How do people in this area afford divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am 18 months into leaving. Here are action steps you can take:

-you are paying nanny rates for 3 in daycare. Switch to an in-home daycare. It should be around $3,200/month for three. An au pair will be even cheaper if you do somehow have the space.

-Daycare years will pass. First one will move to public then two then three. You are in the most expensive year(s) right now. It will subside gradually.

-Cut any extras immediately- kid activities, netflix, disney, gym, whatever. These things add up.

-Get yourself a new job. Stay at your job until you find something even better, but any raise is a plus. I was making $83k before I left. I was shooting for at least $100k. It took me 6 months but I landed a job for $130k and I can breathe so much easier.

-Get a second stream of income. My neighbor does laundry for people at $30/load. Picks it up from their house, does it at her house while she works from home, folds it while her kids are sleeping, drops it back off. She is bringing in $1500/m while she works from home. I flip things on Poshmark and bring in about $1000-1200/m.

-Sell things. I sold my wedding rings, pelaton, some furniture, kids old clothes and toys, my nice coffee maker, anything I had laying around that I didn't need. I have $4k cash hidden from that.

-Of the bills you do need to keep- what can be cheaper? Can you find cheaper phone ($25 mint mobile works great), internet, car insurance, health insurance, home owners or renters insurance, etc.

Lastly, I know you don't want to be financially dependent on him, but in addition to the child support and possible monthly maintaince he will owe you, he will also have to pay his share of kids things. At $115k to $450k, he makes 4x what you do. He will owe 80% to your 20%. A $4200/m childcare bill? You'll pay $840. Also, the more you have the kids, the more CS he will owe you. It's all based on a formula.

You will be ok. I do not regret leaving for a second. I am happy and safe and thriving and absolutely love the little life I have now. It is so incredibly freeing and the feeling of pure joy has not disapated at all yet.

I can't believe anyone would pay $30/load of laundry. That's absolutely insane. There are laundromats that wash and fold for substantially less!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you are staying because you feel you can emotionally protect the kids better if you are there all the time? I can run interference between DH and them, manage things, etc. it is tough, but I would not want them with him without me for 3-4 days a week. Nor would I want them exposed to his emotionally manipulative family without me. They can be a lot, and difficult to figure out, and I am exhausted when we come home from trips from the emotional and mental load, but I would fear them being in this environment without me.

I left and it’s the best thing I did for me and my kids. They get to be in a happy, healthy home half the time. They get to see that you don’t put up with abuse, so they’re less likely to repeat the cycle. They’re thriving and are kind, sweet kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am 18 months into leaving. Here are action steps you can take:

-you are paying nanny rates for 3 in daycare. Switch to an in-home daycare. It should be around $3,200/month for three. An au pair will be even cheaper if you do somehow have the space.

-Daycare years will pass. First one will move to public then two then three. You are in the most expensive year(s) right now. It will subside gradually.

-Cut any extras immediately- kid activities, netflix, disney, gym, whatever. These things add up.

-Get yourself a new job. Stay at your job until you find something even better, but any raise is a plus. I was making $83k before I left. I was shooting for at least $100k. It took me 6 months but I landed a job for $130k and I can breathe so much easier.

-Get a second stream of income. My neighbor does laundry for people at $30/load. Picks it up from their house, does it at her house while she works from home, folds it while her kids are sleeping, drops it back off. She is bringing in $1500/m while she works from home. I flip things on Poshmark and bring in about $1000-1200/m.

-Sell things. I sold my wedding rings, pelaton, some furniture, kids old clothes and toys, my nice coffee maker, anything I had laying around that I didn't need. I have $4k cash hidden from that.

-Of the bills you do need to keep- what can be cheaper? Can you find cheaper phone ($25 mint mobile works great), internet, car insurance, health insurance, home owners or renters insurance, etc.

Lastly, I know you don't want to be financially dependent on him, but in addition to the child support and possible monthly maintaince he will owe you, he will also have to pay his share of kids things. At $115k to $450k, he makes 4x what you do. He will owe 80% to your 20%. A $4200/m childcare bill? You'll pay $840. Also, the more you have the kids, the more CS he will owe you. It's all based on a formula.

You will be ok. I do not regret leaving for a second. I am happy and safe and thriving and absolutely love the little life I have now. It is so incredibly freeing and the feeling of pure joy has not disapated at all yet.

I can't believe anyone would pay $30/load of laundry. That's absolutely insane. There are laundromats that wash and fold for substantially less!

The youtuber I follow does it for $35 a load. (13 gallon trash bag is one load). She comes to your house to pick it up and drop it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am 18 months into leaving. Here are action steps you can take:

-you are paying nanny rates for 3 in daycare. Switch to an in-home daycare. It should be around $3,200/month for three. An au pair will be even cheaper if you do somehow have the space.

-Daycare years will pass. First one will move to public then two then three. You are in the most expensive year(s) right now. It will subside gradually.

-Cut any extras immediately- kid activities, netflix, disney, gym, whatever. These things add up.

-Get yourself a new job. Stay at your job until you find something even better, but any raise is a plus. I was making $83k before I left. I was shooting for at least $100k. It took me 6 months but I landed a job for $130k and I can breathe so much easier.

-Get a second stream of income. My neighbor does laundry for people at $30/load. Picks it up from their house, does it at her house while she works from home, folds it while her kids are sleeping, drops it back off. She is bringing in $1500/m while she works from home. I flip things on Poshmark and bring in about $1000-1200/m.

-Sell things. I sold my wedding rings, pelaton, some furniture, kids old clothes and toys, my nice coffee maker, anything I had laying around that I didn't need. I have $4k cash hidden from that.

-Of the bills you do need to keep- what can be cheaper? Can you find cheaper phone ($25 mint mobile works great), internet, car insurance, health insurance, home owners or renters insurance, etc.

Lastly, I know you don't want to be financially dependent on him, but in addition to the child support and possible monthly maintaince he will owe you, he will also have to pay his share of kids things. At $115k to $450k, he makes 4x what you do. He will owe 80% to your 20%. A $4200/m childcare bill? You'll pay $840. Also, the more you have the kids, the more CS he will owe you. It's all based on a formula.

You will be ok. I do not regret leaving for a second. I am happy and safe and thriving and absolutely love the little life I have now. It is so incredibly freeing and the feeling of pure joy has not disapated at all yet.

I can't believe anyone would pay $30/load of laundry. That's absolutely insane. There are laundromats that wash and fold for substantially less!

Those laundromat do it for maybe $10 less. And you have to drop it off and pick it up. If you're a busy working parent of little kids and would have to schlep kids + laundry in the car both ways, would the extra $10 be worth it for you to have someone just come get it? Probably. Time is money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

It’s not crazy to need 2 bedrooms for the kids. OP may have pubescent kids and show me how a 15 year old girl can share a room with a 13 year old boy in a healthy way.

By getting thick curtains that go on the ceiling and divide the room. Change in the bathroom or get a lock on the door and take 15 minutes to get ready for school while the other is in the bathroom. Not that hard.

[Anonymous]

My mom, brother, and I lived in a 1 bedroom apartment when my parents divorced. My brother and I shared a bedroom and my mom got the den. Not ideal but it was fine. Americans are pretty spoiled about space and every kid needing their own bedroom.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t wait. The longer you stay, the worse it will be for your kids. My friend waited too long and made excuses similar to yours. Her kids are now broken. Her oldest is struggling with all kinds of mental health and self esteem issues and may not even graduate high school and the two younger ones have many problems. These are UMC people with advanced degrees, who had a McMansion and were spending thousands a month on ECs. These truth is that kids don’t need any of that. They need stable adults who care and attend to them. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Because of the divorce I was extremely motivated and got multiple promotions going from about 45k to 145k in 7 years.

What made things easier was that exH and I agreed that I would keep the house and the kids would stay with me 100% due to ex’s work travel and allowed him to rent a cheap apartment nearby. The kids do not stay overnight with him but he will pick them up and take them out to dinner, bring them to their sports practices, etc.

Because I kept the house (purchased before interest rates became awful) I did not keep as big of a chunk of our combined retirement balances, but that is ok. I am catching up, and also have more than enough home equity to cash out and downsize mortgage free once the kids are launched, and be able to throw significant money into retirement savings. I also have a pretty good pension and SS coming my way so I’m not terribly worried about retirement. I have also repartnered with someone who has significant income and assets, though we will not marry at least until the kids are out of college.

Another thing that helped was we did not go the contentious divorce route or pay $$$$ to attorneys. From what I’ve seen in other people’s divorces is the only real winners when people go that route are the lawyers.

Ex H did throw a bit of a fit, but when he accepted the reality of the situation, did not want to spend money on lawyers. We used our state calculator to determine child support. No alimony because my income wasn’t a lot less than his.

So that’s my story about how I afforded divorce in NoVa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom, brother, and I lived in a 1 bedroom apartment when my parents divorced. My brother and I shared a bedroom and my mom got the den. Not ideal but it was fine. Americans are pretty spoiled about space and every kid needing their own bedroom.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

DP. 3 bedrooms with 1 adult and 3 kids does not give each kid their own bedroom.

Having taught, I’ve been to the apartment of a student that housed two families in a 2br/1bath apartment. So a family needs a room to sleep in, and a soft surface to sleep on. Two bunk beds in a single bedroom could theoretically house a mom and three children.

Personally, I wouldn’t room with another family due to the potential for abuse, and I’d never judge a parent for deciding she needs her own four walls. It would be a difficult adjustment, but a family with children of both genders could do a 1br. Males use the bedroom and females (including mom) use the living room.

Again, none of these options are ideal, but it sounds like mom will be poor after the divorce. These are the options that the poor deal with. OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

DP. 3 bedrooms with 1 adult and 3 kids does not give each kid their own bedroom.

Having taught, I’ve been to the apartment of a student that housed two families in a 2br/1bath apartment. So a family needs a room to sleep in, and a soft surface to sleep on. Two bunk beds in a single bedroom could theoretically house a mom and three children.

Personally, I wouldn’t room with another family due to the potential for abuse, and I’d never judge a parent for deciding she needs her own four walls. It would be a difficult adjustment, but a family with children of both genders could do a 1br. Males use the bedroom and females (including mom) use the living room.

Again, none of these options are ideal, but it sounds like mom will be poor after the divorce. These are the options that the poor deal with. OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Ok, that is a great example of “making do” but with OP’s HHI, they are not going to have to go to those extremes. Quit scare-mongering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made 2x what you do.

No, kids don’t need their own bedroom, wtf.

Stop being a martyr, get your sh*t together and leave.

DP. 3 bedrooms with 1 adult and 3 kids does not give each kid their own bedroom.

Having taught, I’ve been to the apartment of a student that housed two families in a 2br/1bath apartment. So a family needs a room to sleep in, and a soft surface to sleep on. Two bunk beds in a single bedroom could theoretically house a mom and three children.

Personally, I wouldn’t room with another family due to the potential for abuse, and I’d never judge a parent for deciding she needs her own four walls. It would be a difficult adjustment, but a family with children of both genders could do a 1br. Males use the bedroom and females (including mom) use the living room.

Again, none of these options are ideal, but it sounds like mom will be poor after the divorce. These are the options that the poor deal with. OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Ok, that is a great example of “making do” but with OP’s HHI, they are not going to have to go to those extremes. Quit scare-mongering.

I got the distinct impression OP was talking about in the immediate aftermath of leaving, not after she's been able to file for some sort of immediate spousal support (order for separate maintenance, emergency custody action, whatever).

But if OP's really that concerned, local women's shelters usually have resources for those first weeks.

[Anonymous]

There are some posts that are really unhelpful. If you’ve noticed the job market out there it isn’t exactly easy to double your salary in late 2025.

I’ll add something that’ll be controversial here - OP is overly worried about schools. Whatever OP’s next move is, it won’t be a permanent one. It is ok for her kid(s) to go to a mediocre elementary school for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Been happily divorced for 12 years, but I remember the feeling of being stuck with no options. We have four kids, and I left when we only had our two youngest at home. Doing it with two was feasible, but I don't think I could've managed with all four at home. I was married to a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t wait. The longer you stay, the worse it will be for your kids. My friend waited too long and made excuses similar to yours. Her kids are now broken. Her oldest is struggling with all kinds of mental health and self esteem issues and may not even graduate high school and the two younger ones have many problems. These are UMC people with advanced degrees, who had a McMansion and were spending thousands a month on ECs. These truth is that kids don’t need any of that. They need stable adults who care and attend to them. That’s it.

So true