Wife won’t sleep with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does divorce look like for you, OP? How will you do 50/50 custody while also working? You'll have to pay her lots of money still. Think about it. Maybe your strategy of working until 9 pm, leaving her to deal with everything alone, and then demanding sex and being angry, is not conducive to a happy marriage.

It is like a divorce situation. They are sort of coparenting, while he’s not getting any. Only difference is not keeping two households to save money.

No. That's the point here! She's doing all the parenting. He's basically ignoring the kids other than vacations, it seems. If they divorced, he'd have whatever parenting time he has, and he would have to be physically present for a lot of it or hire a nanny or something. Drive them places, pick them up, make sure they're fed, etc. Without his wife to do it for him. That's what divorced coparenting means-- you have responsibility that you can't put on your ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

Pp here. I posted earlier about how this was resolved acceptably. DH adjusted his priorities and started participating in our family life. We talk and joke a lot. Kiss a lot. Hold hands a lot.
Yesterday, I drove two hours each way to pick my son up at camp. While I was gone, DH and the kids cleaned up the house and did a couple loads of laundry. In the evening, we went to mass, had dinner as a family, and we all walked over to get ice cream. Afterward, DH and went on a run and had sex in the shower while the kids were playing video games in the basement.

He was like OP for a long time. Most Saturdays he would be gone before I would get up and home in time for dinner, then spend the rest of the evening on the couch because he was exhausted.
This is a huge shift. We have less money and he isn’t as big of a deal at work. He doesn’t have the body he did. Walking to get ice cream and going on a run with your wife doesn’t produce the results that hours lifting weights does. But it’s not like he has some kind of miserable life. We have a nice family and a nice life.

This is hopeful

Also sounds like step 1 was him downshifting jobs. Then being an involved family member and affectionate again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does divorce look like for you, OP? How will you do 50/50 custody while also working? You'll have to pay her lots of money still. Think about it. Maybe your strategy of working until 9 pm, leaving her to deal with everything alone, and then demanding sex and being angry, is not conducive to a happy marriage.

Easy, a couple vacation weeks a year, weekends here and there, plus summer at his parents house. Whatever adds up to 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does divorce look like for you, OP? How will you do 50/50 custody while also working? You'll have to pay her lots of money still. Think about it. Maybe your strategy of working until 9 pm, leaving her to deal with everything alone, and then demanding sex and being angry, is not conducive to a happy marriage.

Easy, a couple vacation weeks a year, weekends here and there, plus summer at his parents house. Whatever adds up to 50%.

You know there are 52 weeks in a year, right? Summer is 9 or 10 max, less if they do sleepaway camp. And you're assuming the grandparents are willing and able to take them for an entire summer. A few vacation weeks gets you to 12 or 13, and weekends "here and there" (so less than every other?) during the school year would add up to maybe 40 days total so 7 weeks. So that's only 20 weeks in the most generous possible interpretation. That's not 50/50.

Furthermore, women sometimes take divorce as an opportunity to force the children's father to spend time with the children. Crazy, I know. They're so mean. So there's no reason to think OP would agree to this inane schedule that allows him to continue avoiding his family.

[Anonymous]

she's resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

Pp here. I posted earlier about how this was resolved acceptably. DH adjusted his priorities and started participating in our family life. We talk and joke a lot. Kiss a lot. Hold hands a lot.
Yesterday, I drove two hours each way to pick my son up at camp. While I was gone, DH and the kids cleaned up the house and did a couple loads of laundry. In the evening, we went to mass, had dinner as a family, and we all walked over to get ice cream. Afterward, DH and went on a run and had sex in the shower while the kids were playing video games in the basement.

He was like OP for a long time. Most Saturdays he would be gone before I would get up and home in time for dinner, then spend the rest of the evening on the couch because he was exhausted.
This is a huge shift. We have less money and he isn’t as big of a deal at work. He doesn’t have the body he did. Walking to get ice cream and going on a run with your wife doesn’t produce the results that hours lifting weights does. But it’s not like he has some kind of miserable life. We have a nice family and a nice life.

This is hopeful

Also sounds like step 1 was him downshifting jobs. Then being an involved family member and affectionate again.

It was actually the other way around. One of the things that he was doing to “better himself” led to him joining the men’s group at our church. He was embarrassed that the other men knew what was going on with their wives and kids and he didn’t.
So, he started getting more involved with the kids, volunteering at the school, coming home from work earlier. That eventually led DH and I spending more time together.
Eventually, this led to moving near a better school for our older two kids, downsizing the house, and DH taking a less intense job.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn’t want to have sex with you she doesn’t like you and is not attracted to you. What do you think, she’s sexless? Wake up.

How do you have great vacations? You’re not sleeping together so you’re like friends? I have a hard time believing your wife enjoys those vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with pp. A dad who engages with their kids is much hotter than a dad who just does chores. Do more house work but be sure to spend more time with the kids!

Ugh, no. A dad who doesn't do housework but plays with the kids is a narcissistic fun dad. Be a man, help with the chores, so you AND your wife can have fun times with the kids.

Also, OP, it's a huge turn off that you think your sole role is to go to work and make the big bucks and because that's your goal and you can afford nice things and nice vacation, you think you are excused from everything else. You are treating your wife as a servant and a, basically, a hooker. She feels it, and it's a turnoff.

[Anonymous]

If she won't have sex with you it's not about you not doing your fair share of housework. That would not stop her if she really wanted you. She doesn't and that's hard to accept but you need to accept it. Or, prove it to yourself by stepping up and doing everything she wants. It's not likely to change.

She also expects you to be a good provider and afford your family nice things and the ability to go on vacations. You are that and it makes no difference to her. She doesn't desire you and has lost respect for you. But she will gladly keep you around for what you do provide for another ten years until the children are older and on their own and she faces the prospect of being empty nesters as you near retirement.

Then she will cash out and divorce you and suddenly, she will also find her libido. With another man. You deserve better. Derail her plan now and pursue a better life with a women who respects you. In the mean time, I'd recommend finding an AP but keep in mind, when you get caught, you will be the bad guy in that divorce while she is blameless.

This story has been written 100 times on this board alone. Women are fairly predictable. You just need to learn their long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with pp. A dad who engages with their kids is much hotter than a dad who just does chores. Do more house work but be sure to spend more time with the kids!

Ugh, no. A dad who doesn't do housework but plays with the kids is a narcissistic fun dad. Be a man, help with the chores, so you AND your wife can have fun times with the kids.

Also, OP, it's a huge turn off that you think your sole role is to go to work and make the big bucks and because that's your goal and you can afford nice things and nice vacation, you think you are excused from everything else. You are treating your wife as a servant and a, basically, a hooker. She feels it, and it's a turnoff.

We don’t know how the household is organized. If the OP is bringing most money while the wife has an easier job with less demanding hours, it’s not fair to expect the same level of housework. Even if the money is not there, some industries and company cultures expect longer hours, so it is what it is, it’s not that easy to change jobs or fields.

It’s silly when other wives jump on the OP fueled by their own frustrations and turn everything to the extreme. If you felt your husband treated you as a hooker doesn’t mean OP is doing that to his wife.

OP feeling dissatisfied the wife is not having sex with him is valid. The wife feeling frustrated from doing a lot of the household work is also valid. But it’s not ok to decide on her own the marriage is sexless going forward because of that. The housework issue can be worked out with OP pitching in more or hiring a maid to lighten up the household work, and maybe OP would be receptive to that.

Denying sex because of frustrations is a sure way to ruin one’s marriage, she’s basically incentivizing her husband to cheat. It’s really counterproductive and short sighted, and actually quite stupid considering they have kids together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

Clearly you have no experience with this. You don't wine and dine an AP or spend time out in public with them. Neither of you has time for that either. You get together for one purpose as time allows and quickly part ways until the next liaison can be arranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she won't have sex with you it's not about you not doing your fair share of housework. That would not stop her if she really wanted you. She doesn't and that's hard to accept but you need to accept it. Or, prove it to yourself by stepping up and doing everything she wants. It's not likely to change.

She also expects you to be a good provider and afford your family nice things and the ability to go on vacations. You are that and it makes no difference to her. She doesn't desire you and has lost respect for you. But she will gladly keep you around for what you do provide for another ten years until the children are older and on their own and she faces the prospect of being empty nesters as you near retirement.

Then she will cash out and divorce you and suddenly, she will also find her libido. With another man. You deserve better. Derail her plan now and pursue a better life with a women who respects you. In the mean time, I'd recommend finding an AP but keep in mind, when you get caught, you will be the bad guy in that divorce while she is blameless.

This story has been written 100 times on this board alone. Women are fairly predictable. You just need to learn their long game.

+1.

OP this is likely to happen. He needs to figure out if there’s something to save, move on, or stay until kids are set on their path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

I don’t know a single woman who has felt more betrayed by a husband cheating than she did about him not participating in the family life that they decided to create together. For most women who are cheated on, the use of time and family resources on the affair is the main source of resentment.

Imagine that her not having sex with you when you don’t help with cooking and cleaning is like you refusing to cook dinner for her when she screwed the neighbor that afternoon. Sure. It isn’t going to help your marriage to refuse. But is it really a reasonable thing to ask you to do?

Then it’s about finding an arrangement that works for both of you. He has to wine and dine the AP to get some, and you can ask for hired help for the domestic chores. Sounds like a win-win for both of you, definitely your DH might be fine with it. That, or an expensive divorce that will ruin your kids lives. Don’t be selfish! Curious to see how you’d see this resolved acceptably.

Clearly you have no experience with this. You don't wine and dine an AP or spend time out in public with them. Neither of you has time for that either. You get together for one purpose as time allows and quickly part ways until the next liaison can be arranged.

I actually have a lot of experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she won't have sex with you it's not about you not doing your fair share of housework. That would not stop her if she really wanted you. She doesn't and that's hard to accept but you need to accept it. Or, prove it to yourself by stepping up and doing everything she wants. It's not likely to change.

She also expects you to be a good provider and afford your family nice things and the ability to go on vacations. You are that and it makes no difference to her. She doesn't desire you and has lost respect for you. But she will gladly keep you around for what you do provide for another ten years until the children are older and on their own and she faces the prospect of being empty nesters as you near retirement.

Then she will cash out and divorce you and suddenly, she will also find her libido. With another man. You deserve better. Derail her plan now and pursue a better life with a women who respects you. In the mean time, I'd recommend finding an AP but keep in mind, when you get caught, you will be the bad guy in that divorce while she is blameless.

This story has been written 100 times on this board alone. Women are fairly predictable. You just need to learn their long game.

Back to the 1950s or Saudi Arabia. Take your pick PP. What nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

What do you mean you “get angry” at talking about life?

Then you go demand sex? Yikes.

Means he’s an verbally abusive angry petty man at home.