PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

where exactly was that written? sounds like you are projecting like crazy. Or perhaps just the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This is one of the strangest things I've read on DCUM, and I've read a lot of crap here in 10 yrs.

How so? I thought it was a good reminder that children are the ones that find Christmas magical. It only lasts so long. Kids should be the priority, not grandparents. I choose to prioritize my kids having a special day that they look forward to once a year in their own home over the stress and expense of hosting or traveling to far away family just so my extended family feels special. I do that for everyone annually in November on Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

where exactly was that written? sounds like you are projecting like crazy. Or perhaps just the latter.

That is what the entire thread is about. The OP criticizes anyone that doesn’t invite their elderly parents to spend Christmas with them. For many, they would rather spend it at home with their own kids. The PP didn’t want the practice of people spending Christmas only with nuclear family to become normalized because it would mean they would have to spend Christmas alone when their kids grow up and they don’t like that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

where exactly was that written? sounds like you are projecting like crazy. Or perhaps just the latter.

That is what the entire thread is about. The OP criticizes anyone that doesn’t invite their elderly parents to spend Christmas with them. For many, they would rather spend it at home with their own kids. The PP didn’t want the practice of people spending Christmas only with nuclear family to become normalized because it would mean they would have to spend Christmas alone when their kids grow up and they don’t like that idea.

As a kid the best part of Christmas was getting together with the extended family and having a big party. Christmas Day with just my parents was always a bit anticlimactic and boring. I think you overestimate how much time your kids want to spend with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I alternate holidays with my parents and in laws, but I do also talk to them regularly. You know why? They're nice people who make the time I spend traveling a pleasant experience.

So if your kids are shutting you out in Christmas, well, there were 365 other days to this year, let's look at how the relationship was on those days.

No, it’s absolutely not always the parents’ fault.

I didn't actually say that, I said to focus on the relationship the other days of the year, but this being the response is really telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who abused me? In every way? And have continued to try to ruin my life as an adult? No thanks.

Yes Larla time to out on your big girl pants and grow up!! Get over it! Their time is short and your kids are watching. You’ll be put out to pasture too!!! So sick of my entitled Gen X friends bragging about cutting off their elderly parents or other crap. Spoiled pigs.

Not a single person I know brags about cutting off family members. It's painful and difficult but plenty of us strive to overcome abuse and won't go along to get along just because granny pants wants the Christmas headcount to be larger. Your post is dishonest and manipulative.

You do your sick thing op. The fact that you feel you have the right to tell other people what they must do tells us everything we need to know about you.

There’s no us. You’re trying to create a sick and pathetic sense of identity from you scrolling on DC urban moms. It’s just you alone being a pathetic loser who cut off your parents and are trying to justify what you have done by reading other people‘s posts about it. Time to grow up, heal your trauma and go forth and live a normal and healthy life. And call your mom, will ya? She did a lot of hard work raising your ungrateful ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

It’s so so sad to me too. My parents were not perfect. They were healing their own trauma. They escaped into alcoholism and other terrible things. We suffered our own trauma and we healed and we learned and grew. I am so happy that I have a great relationship with both of them and love them and nurture my love for them. I called my elderly mom every night and tell her how much I love her. I visit her on vacations and I bring her my children, which is the best thing I can possibly do and she nurtures and love them in the way she did with me when she was able to. I would never cut her off and leave her alone in the world to die elderly and sick. I love her. I love my in-laws and my dad and I love and honor my family and all the ways I can. That nurtured my love with my children and teaches them what family is all about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

I’ll bite.

My mother became pregnant at 19 during a summer internship in California. She never told the guy. She didn’t want to have to be bothered with the logistics of custody and the other parent on the other side of the country. My grandparents died when I was a child, so I can’t ask them, but considering we lived with them on and off, I assume they supported this.

My mother gets all the glory for how hard things were for her being a “single mother”. She worked nights, so I was left home alone and was often hungry and scared. When she would lose her jobs, we’d flee in the night to my grandparents, where my mother would use their babysitting as an opportunity to go out and do drugs and guys. She was arrested for shoplifting when I was around 10. I was shuttled between random people’s houses that summer while my mom was in jail. I was exposed to things and situations that no child should be exposed to.

As an adult, I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been more stable had I lived with my father. It may have been worse, but there’s an equal chance it could have been better. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance my mother would have had more money from child support, and a 50/50 chance I would have had somewhere stable to live when my mom was in jail. Or during summer breaks. Or holiday breaks. Or just routinely. I’ll never know.

My mother is in her 70s now and has always been stuck at 19. She’s immature and rude and just ornery. She makes my life a living hell.

And no, her decisions when I was a minor child do not deserve grace. And she wasn’t just imperfect, she was willingly imperfect and selfish, to my detriment.

I totally get that. But at some point, you owe it to the little girl that suffered so much to get over it, forgive your mom, heal, and move forward. Healing from the trauma is one of the labors of your life. You need to roll your sleeves up and get on witu the hard work so you can have a life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

I’ll bite.

My mother became pregnant at 19 during a summer internship in California. She never told the guy. She didn’t want to have to be bothered with the logistics of custody and the other parent on the other side of the country. My grandparents died when I was a child, so I can’t ask them, but considering we lived with them on and off, I assume they supported this.

My mother gets all the glory for how hard things were for her being a “single mother”. She worked nights, so I was left home alone and was often hungry and scared. When she would lose her jobs, we’d flee in the night to my grandparents, where my mother would use their babysitting as an opportunity to go out and do drugs and guys. She was arrested for shoplifting when I was around 10. I was shuttled between random people’s houses that summer while my mom was in jail. I was exposed to things and situations that no child should be exposed to.

As an adult, I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been more stable had I lived with my father. It may have been worse, but there’s an equal chance it could have been better. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance my mother would have had more money from child support, and a 50/50 chance I would have had somewhere stable to live when my mom was in jail. Or during summer breaks. Or holiday breaks. Or just routinely. I’ll never know.

My mother is in her 70s now and has always been stuck at 19. She’s immature and rude and just ornery. She makes my life a living hell.

And no, her decisions when I was a minor child do not deserve grace. And she wasn’t just imperfect, she was willingly imperfect and selfish, to my detriment.

I totally get that. But at some point, you owe it to the little girl that suffered so much to get over it, forgive your mom, heal, and move forward. Healing from the trauma is one of the labors of your life. You need to roll your sleeves up and get on witu the hard work so you can have a life?

The idea that she's not healed it she doesn't want to be around her mom is pretty bonkers. You don't have to be around people who did you wrong to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

Yes!!! Exactly. There are no perfect parents. Under the new lens, everybody can look back and revisit the horrific abuse and violence they suffered because nobody had a proper childhood and nobody was a perfect parent or a perfect parent now. I hope my beautiful children are never infected with this insidious poison And instead have a relationship with us like we have with my parents and in-laws. I am the previous poster, whose parents suffered a lot with alcoholism and other horrible issues, but they were able to heal and move on and so was I and we have an amazing relationship that enriches the lives of my children in my life. Thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

I’ll bite.

My mother became pregnant at 19 during a summer internship in California. She never told the guy. She didn’t want to have to be bothered with the logistics of custody and the other parent on the other side of the country. My grandparents died when I was a child, so I can’t ask them, but considering we lived with them on and off, I assume they supported this.

My mother gets all the glory for how hard things were for her being a “single mother”. She worked nights, so I was left home alone and was often hungry and scared. When she would lose her jobs, we’d flee in the night to my grandparents, where my mother would use their babysitting as an opportunity to go out and do drugs and guys. She was arrested for shoplifting when I was around 10. I was shuttled between random people’s houses that summer while my mom was in jail. I was exposed to things and situations that no child should be exposed to.

As an adult, I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been more stable had I lived with my father. It may have been worse, but there’s an equal chance it could have been better. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance my mother would have had more money from child support, and a 50/50 chance I would have had somewhere stable to live when my mom was in jail. Or during summer breaks. Or holiday breaks. Or just routinely. I’ll never know.

My mother is in her 70s now and has always been stuck at 19. She’s immature and rude and just ornery. She makes my life a living hell.

And no, her decisions when I was a minor child do not deserve grace. And she wasn’t just imperfect, she was willingly imperfect and selfish, to my detriment.

I totally get that. But at some point, you owe it to the little girl that suffered so much to get over it, forgive your mom, heal, and move forward. Healing from the trauma is one of the labors of your life. You need to roll your sleeves up and get on witu the hard work so you can have a life?

The idea that she's not healed it she doesn't want to be around her mom is pretty bonkers. You don't have to be around people who did you wrong to heal.

The entire post is reliving, unhealed trauma. If you know anything about this type of therapy, you know that this is extremely unhealthy and does more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

I’ll bite.

My mother became pregnant at 19 during a summer internship in California. She never told the guy. She didn’t want to have to be bothered with the logistics of custody and the other parent on the other side of the country. My grandparents died when I was a child, so I can’t ask them, but considering we lived with them on and off, I assume they supported this.

My mother gets all the glory for how hard things were for her being a “single mother”. She worked nights, so I was left home alone and was often hungry and scared. When she would lose her jobs, we’d flee in the night to my grandparents, where my mother would use their babysitting as an opportunity to go out and do drugs and guys. She was arrested for shoplifting when I was around 10. I was shuttled between random people’s houses that summer while my mom was in jail. I was exposed to things and situations that no child should be exposed to.

As an adult, I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been more stable had I lived with my father. It may have been worse, but there’s an equal chance it could have been better. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance my mother would have had more money from child support, and a 50/50 chance I would have had somewhere stable to live when my mom was in jail. Or during summer breaks. Or holiday breaks. Or just routinely. I’ll never know.

My mother is in her 70s now and has always been stuck at 19. She’s immature and rude and just ornery. She makes my life a living hell.

And no, her decisions when I was a minor child do not deserve grace. And she wasn’t just imperfect, she was willingly imperfect and selfish, to my detriment.

I totally get that. But at some point, you owe it to the little girl that suffered so much to get over it, forgive your mom, heal, and move forward. Healing from the trauma is one of the labors of your life. You need to roll your sleeves up and get on witu the hard work so you can have a life?

The idea that she's not healed it she doesn't want to be around her mom is pretty bonkers. You don't have to be around people who did you wrong to heal.

The entire post is reliving, unhealed trauma. If you know anything about this type of therapy, you know that this is extremely unhealthy and does more harm than good.

You're saying she needs exposure therapy to her mom? I mean, come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much imagined “abuse” reimagined these days, with the help of social media. It’s such an effective conversation ender !! (Hey Emily, why don’t you ever see your - - - Just stop right there, Caitlin. I cut off my ____ because s/he ABUSED ME!!!!! Caitlin: oh.)

And the possibilities are endless when absolutely everything now qualifies as “abuse” and its running buddy, “violence.”

If I beat my elderly parents with a belt, that would be elder abuse and I could be charged and go to jail.

If I didn’t like what my elderly parents had to say and washed their mouth out with soap while making them watch in the mirror, that would be elder abuse and I could be charged and go to jail.

So yes, I was abused. I was subjected to violence. And if you think beating children with a belt and choking them with soap is OK, eff right off and I hope your family abandons you, one by one.

Love this.

You can roll your eyes at people talking about abuse or trauma from their childhood, but the truth is that if I treated my parents now the way they treated me as a child, I could be arrested. That is reason enough not to want to spend Christmas with them.

I also just have a general suspicion of people who are quick to claim that other people's childhood experiences weren't "that bad" or "that's not abuse/that's not traumatic." You weren't there, how would you know? Usually when people are dismissive about this, it's because their own kids have raised issues with them and they don't like it, so they are dismissive of others without knowing details. Don't put your crap on other people. If a person decides they don't want to spend Christmas with *their* parents, why do you care one way or another? Why should they have to prove to you that they belong in the category of people who are allowed to do this? It's none of your business.

How about this OP: Yes, you are a jerk if you go around judging other people's private family decisions on how to celebrate holidays when it has nothing at all to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people who abused me? In every way? And have continued to try to ruin my life as an adult? No thanks.

Yes Larla time to out on your big girl pants and grow up!! Get over it! Their time is short and your kids are watching. You’ll be put out to pasture too!!! So sick of my entitled Gen X friends bragging about cutting off their elderly parents or other crap. Spoiled pigs.

NP. I'm guessing if you really are Gen X you'll be spending some holidays alone in your future.

I talk to my kids about why we aren't with grandma (only one left) on the holidays. I tell them if you are mean and a liar and take no accountability for treating people badly, you end up alone. I am not ready to talk to them about narcissism but in the future I will so they can hopefully avoid the fate of my poor father who was a nice man and married her and was miserable for decades.

You do you. Your kids are watching.

Aw your lucky kids. I’m married into a huge family that has amazing family gatherings and my family has an amazing and beautiful reunion that they do a couple of times a year that we had to work super hard to be emotionally healthy enough to get to. It is worth it.
You’re literally giving the script to your kids that they will use for their own kids and you’re elderly and alone, abandoned and unremembered

[Anonymous]

I'm a millennial, I have a close friend who cut off his parents. Basically, they subjected him to extreme physical and mental abuse, particularly when they found out he was gay. It wouldn't be exaggerating to say what he went through was torture.

I'm one of his closest friends, known him since we were 13 years old and it took him over a decade for him to even tell me the extent of the abuse.

So yes, some parents absolutely deserve it, no, people aren't necessarily going to tell you the details because that shit is hard.