I worry about my son a lot more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

OP obviously doesn’t. If she did she’d be equally worried about making sure her daughter was independently financially prepared if she wanted to be a SAHM (which is what my parents did for us so we DID have choices). But her lack of worry for her daughter is because…some guy…will take care of all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

I don't really worry about my kids through the lens of gender.


I worry more about my older kid because everything is new to me about being her parent. I also worry more because she has ADHD and it impacts her academically and socially.

My second born I worry less because we're in familiar territory of preschool and he's happy and thriving. I might worry more when he transitions to kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

I don't really worry about my kids through the lens of gender.


I worry more about my older kid because everything is new to me about being her parent. I also worry more because she has ADHD and it impacts her academically and socially.

My second born I worry less because we're in familiar territory of preschool and he's happy and thriving. I might worry more when he transitions to kindergarten.

NP. I think the bolded is the only thing that makes sense as a parent. You're not parenting "boys" or "girls" you're parenting a particular boy or girl. The fact that boys might struggle in elementary school doesn't matter compared to how your kid in particular does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I’m worried for your daughter even if you aren’t. Imagine having a mother with such low expectations for your success and a brother who “carried the weight of all [her] dreams”

Talk about dysfunction.

No. I was that daughter. Love and expectations around achievement are not the same. I would feel sorry if she were unloved. I was deeply loved with low expectations around achievement, and it was a blessing. I ended up being highly successful in life, because I got to explore and make the choices I wanted without feeling the burden of other people’s expectations. My parents’ sexism worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

It's just interesting that she couldn't possibly imagine a future where the son became a stay-at-home father though.

Because it’s really hard. A friend of ours did it and begged to never again. The people who were by meanest to him were all women. They didn’t let him into their mom groups (which I understand, because a lot of conversation involved things about their bodies or lactation). When his daughter was a toddler women would stop him on the street and ask her if he was kidnapping her. I would be supportive of a son who wanted to be at stay-at-home dad, but I would want him to go into it with his eyes wide open. In a way, this shows yet one more way that it’s harder to be male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

Yes, completely.

DD is my oldest; I signed her up for many supportive, affirming groups like Girls on the Run (then Heart and Sole), Coding for Girls, the Girl Scouts. Each group has its own empowering messages to encourage and motivate her through our male-dominated culture. She’s responded by working hard, excelling, and has such a bright future!

DS I enrolled in Cubs, then Boy Scouts (now renamed again Scouting USA) and it’s now co-ed; the subtle message to the boys has been “you were wrong to exclude girls; you should be ashamed). There was no boys on the run. All his classes are co-ed; all the history lessons in school are all about colonialism and oppression (and the subtle message is always: the oppressors are cisgender white males).

As an 8th grader, the books he’s assigned are all things like George Takei’s They Called us Enemy or, Things Fall Apart (same messages about oppressors: males. Whites).

We listen to NPR in the car and read the Post at home: same messages and none of it is good when it comes to males, who are the ones who created and perpetuate patriarchal culture.

It’s no wonder he and most other teen boys around here feel depressed. Look at the messages we are sending?

You know it's really interesting to me how white adults assume that if you teach kids the history of this country it's going to make white children feel bad. What actually happens is that children have a lot of empathy those who have experienced injustice. I think kids inherently understand power dynamics and how they too have experienced where other people have had more power and control over them.

What actually happens is that children think our county is lousy and is just a series of bad decisions followed by bad decisions. They learn that there's nothing exceptional about the US at all.

[Anonymous]

My boys are 99 percentile nationally. They are talented in their sports and get along well with others. I love raising boys because they are more fun and not so serious, and I don’t have to hear about mean girl culture. I like that they are not judged by their looks and not nitpicked about every little thing they say.

I protect my boys from those pernicious messages some PPs mentioned where the subtext is they don’t matter as much as girls or that masculinity is toxic. I put them in a masculine atmosphere where men don’t apologize for being men. Step out of your progressive bubble and you will see boys are not demonized in other parts of the country—or the rest of the world—for that matter.

I feel sorry for girls because they are not only much weaker but are actively dissuaded from learning self defense. Girls are more likely to be kidnapped, trafficked, sexually abused. Am happy I don’t worry as much with my boys.

When Grandma expresses her favoritism to her granddaughters, I point out to my boys that they are my favorites. I also minimize visits with Grandmother for that reason. In the classroom I note that—with some teachers—boys end up getting attacked more than girls because they are not docile sheep and that it’s hard to sit still all day. Sitting still and listening to teachers drone on and on is unnatural for many.

So I have a completely different experience than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

OP obviously doesn’t. If she did she’d be equally worried about making sure her daughter was independently financially prepared if she wanted to be a SAHM (which is what my parents did for us so we DID have choices). But her lack of worry for her daughter is because…some guy…will take care of all that.

Having a trust fund from your parents is not morally superior to being dependent on a spouse's income.

Either way, you are relying on someone else's labor and goodwill. Nothing like making your own damn money.

[Anonymous]

I worry about the impact of climate change on our kids, and I worry about my son who is young but has some emerging special needs - while all kids futures are uncertain, how he’ll fare in a mainstream school is a big question mark, along with how he’ll develop.

There are a lot of parents of unwell children who have to live in the day to day. I guess it’s all about perspective. I wouldn’t really worry about how my healthy, neurotypical child would make it in a woke world. I focus on enjoying their childhood and setting them up with what I think is a good foundation in life - education, value system, activities, friendship, family etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

OP obviously doesn’t. If she did she’d be equally worried about making sure her daughter was independently financially prepared if she wanted to be a SAHM (which is what my parents did for us so we DID have choices). But her lack of worry for her daughter is because…some guy…will take care of all that.

Having a trust fund from your parents is not morally superior to being dependent on a spouse's income.

Either way, you are relying on someone else's labor and goodwill. Nothing like making your own damn money.

Where do you read trust fund?

If you want your daughter to have a real choice to be a SAHM you prepare her for the kind of career where she makes enough money before kids to be independent. Then her spouse can be unemployed, she can lose her spouse, or any other foreseeable disaster and her choice doesn’t disappear. Just assuming some guy is going to materialize to pay her bills is overvaluing men and undervaluing your own daughter.

Yeah family money helps but it’s not the only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are evil because their moms raised them that way. Moms should be concerned and stepping up. Too many moms have failed.

This is an insane post FYI. I'm saying this because someone needs to say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

OP obviously doesn’t. If she did she’d be equally worried about making sure her daughter was independently financially prepared if she wanted to be a SAHM (which is what my parents did for us so we DID have choices). But her lack of worry for her daughter is because…some guy…will take care of all that.

Having a trust fund from your parents is not morally superior to being dependent on a spouse's income.

Either way, you are relying on someone else's labor and goodwill. Nothing like making your own damn money.

Where do you read trust fund?

If you want your daughter to have a real choice to be a SAHM you prepare her for the kind of career where she makes enough money before kids to be independent. Then her spouse can be unemployed, she can lose her spouse, or any other foreseeable disaster and her choice doesn’t disappear. Just assuming some guy is going to materialize to pay her bills is overvaluing men and undervaluing your own daughter.

Yeah family money helps but it’s not the only option.

The way that post was written made me think she was referring to a trust fund.

If it's about making your own money before having kids, then that is a different story.

It just rubbed me the wrong way to think that someone was crapping on a SAHM when she herself was set up financially by someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boys are 99 percentile nationally. They are talented in their sports and get along well with others. I love raising boys because they are more fun and not so serious, and I don’t have to hear about mean girl culture. I like that they are not judged by their looks and not nitpicked about every little thing they say.

I protect my boys from those pernicious messages some PPs mentioned where the subtext is they don’t matter as much as girls or that masculinity is toxic. I put them in a masculine atmosphere where men don’t apologize for being men. Step out of your progressive bubble and you will see boys are not demonized in other parts of the country—or the rest of the world—for that matter.

I feel sorry for girls because they are not only much weaker but are actively dissuaded from learning self defense. Girls are more likely to be kidnapped, trafficked, sexually abused. Am happy I don’t worry as much with my boys.

When Grandma expresses her favoritism to her granddaughters, I point out to my boys that they are my favorites. I also minimize visits with Grandmother for that reason. In the classroom I note that—with some teachers—boys end up getting attacked more than girls because they are not docile sheep and that it’s hard to sit still all day. Sitting still and listening to teachers drone on and on is unnatural for many.

So I have a completely different experience than OP.

You forgot #boymom

[Anonymous]

My son is an academic and athletic superstar. He's also very kind and cares about others that may feel left out or are having a hard time. His executive function / common sense can be lacking but I don't worry about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is an academic and athletic superstar. He's also very kind and cares about others that may feel left out or are having a hard time. His executive function / common sense can be lacking but I don't worry about him.

Sure he is