I worry about my son a lot more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

It's pretty funny, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe these fears are real for the people like OP posting, but my advice is: if you have any, ask your friends of color how they raise their sons. I never expected the world to hand anything to my kids on a silver platter, or for them to be assumed to be the best for a job, or even to be assumed competent without proving it or treated fairly. There's a long line in other cultures of raising kids to work twice as hard, grind for every inch, and expect setbacks. I feel like these white moms are very overwhelmed by the idea of this mindset being necessary when it comes to their boys (but not girls, that's just the natural order of things or something her husband will sort out). You can either freak out at the idea that your sons are being born into a different social order than their fathers were born into, or you can try to actually learn from people who have achieved even though the world was not ever set up for them to coast.

Same pp, same thought. As a WOC I couldn't really relate but you captured it beautifully.
I've always raised my boys not to be surprised if people treat them unfairly because they are not white (nor white passing) and expect a "real world" once they are out of school.

Agree with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

It's pretty funny, isn't it?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

No. Girls have problems but are quiet and well behaved so they are ignored. Then they grow up and society crushes their spirits. I would never feel sorry for a white man/boy.

WTF is this? This magical thinking that being a white male is some monolithic magical existence is insane. I know many white guys who got dealt some pretty awful cards and on top of that if they say anything everyone tells them to STFU white boy you can’t complain. You sound apathetic, inhumane, and racist AF. Life can be hard for everyone and anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Not just “some guy,” women on this forum go on and on about the importance of catching a high value man who can support you should you choose to stay at home with your children (which is often framed as the right choice). It’s not surprising OP and others who frequent dcum picked up on these attitudes and are passing them on to daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a boy and a girl and I think there is enough worry to go around.

Toxic masculinity is alive and well. The lane boys are supposed to fit into or they will get made fun of and socially rejected is much narrower than girls. Early elementary education is set up for them to feel like failures. There is also a level of hostility toward them (see it on this thread) that they know is there. White boys in particular are simultaneously on the top of the pecking order in every way societally still, but also told they completely suck much of the time in popular culture. No one feels bad for them and no one should, but when you're raising one you notice and they notice too.

Girls, does anyone need to even debate this? Being a woman in this world is rough. I have thought about this a lot and girls so clearly have their shit together more than boys, on average. And then puberty. Testosterone, brute strength of one sex over the other, and women having babies. No turning back and it's never a fair fight and never will be. And they can be awful to each other in a way that will take your breath away.

I want to agree with the bolded so, so much. Even my son who is very bright and likes to learn really struggled with elementary school. The expectation that every 6 year old boy is going want to spend a lot of time sitting at his desk coloring and doing crafts every day is ridiculous. This targets a specific group of kids, mostly girls. It would be like teaching math and history through daily Nerf gun battles and giving poor grades to kids who don’t like Nerf and got sick of it. DS literally silently cried when he got his school supply list going into fifth grade and saw crayons and glue sticks were still on it.

He is in high school now and doing very well.

I don’t know what’s going on, OP, but hang in there. There are ups and downs for everyone.

WTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

No. Girls have problems but are quiet and well behaved so they are ignored. Then they grow up and society crushes their spirits. I would never feel sorry for a white man/boy.

You're an idiot and a misandrist at that.

Where did I say anything negative about boys? Everything I said is true and calling me names (typical #boymom behavior) is very expected. So thanks for proving my point.

https://www.ascd.org/el/articles/how-gender-disparities-affect-classroom-learning

Shut your Fock up

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom to a boy and a girl. As a woman I know how stupid men are. Ergo, I worry about my son more. It's not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the posters who are offended that the OP said her daughter as being a future SAHM as an option. Almost every other post on dcum is “DH is rich but we decided it’s best for our family to stay home.” That is the ideal so many women on here talk about, so why the issue with saying this life is an option for a girls future?

Offended? No. It just shows where OP sees her kids. Her son? Carries her dreams and expectations. Her daughter? Eh who cares she can just pick up after some guy.

Look I'm a working mom but to say being a SAHM is "picking up after some guy" is pretty stupid and...sexist. Value women's work and contributions no matter what sphere it's in.

It's just interesting that she couldn't possibly imagine a future where the son became a stay-at-home father though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry a lot less about my daughter. I am not sure why.

Is it just because son is the first kid and bears the burden of all my hopes and expectations?

Part of me thinks it might be because I think it’s just harder for boys in the world in the long term. Girls mature faster and outperform boys so much in school, and also always have the option of an easier career or staying at home with the kids. To do well in a HCOL area like we do, boys eventually have to have a lucrative, high paying job and with that, there’s so much more stress on the academic and college front when they are younger.

And girls are just easier when younger based on what I hear. Fewer learning issues, therapies needed. Went past a speech therapy office recently and the 4 children in the waiting room were all boys.


Anyone relate?

Yes, completely.

DD is my oldest; I signed her up for many supportive, affirming groups like Girls on the Run (then Heart and Sole), Coding for Girls, the Girl Scouts. Each group has its own empowering messages to encourage and motivate her through our male-dominated culture. She’s responded by working hard, excelling, and has such a bright future!

DS I enrolled in Cubs, then Boy Scouts (now renamed again Scouting USA) and it’s now co-ed; the subtle message to the boys has been “you were wrong to exclude girls; you should be ashamed). There was no boys on the run. All his classes are co-ed; all the history lessons in school are all about colonialism and oppression (and the subtle message is always: the oppressors are cisgender white males).

As an 8th grader, the books he’s assigned are all things like George Takei’s They Called us Enemy or, Things Fall Apart (same messages about oppressors: males. Whites).

We listen to NPR in the car and read the Post at home: same messages and none of it is good when it comes to males, who are the ones who created and perpetuate patriarchal culture.

It’s no wonder he and most other teen boys around here feel depressed. Look at the messages we are sending?

You know it's really interesting to me how white adults assume that if you teach kids the history of this country it's going to make white children feel bad. What actually happens is that children have a lot of empathy those who have experienced injustice. I think kids inherently understand power dynamics and how they too have experienced where other people have had more power and control over them.

[Anonymous]

Most men are evil because their moms raised them that way. Moms should be concerned and stepping up. Too many moms have failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way (two daughters and a son). I have always weirdly felt like my son is more vulnerable, more in danger in the world. Almost like society expects him to shoulder every burden alone, vs my daughters will always have someone to take care of them. I know that seems regressive which is why it's so weird for me- I'm a feminist, I work, my husband is an equal partner.

Op- this is exactly how I feel. I also work. But boys simply do not have the option of NOT being a provider. That option is just more accessible to women. I feel like my boy has to work ten times as hard as a result.

Sure they do. 40% of households have a woman as the single or main wage-earner. Plenty of men supported by their wives or their children being supported by their exes.

The fact that you want to ignore nearly half the population and believe your son doesn’t have a choice is an interesting reflection on…you.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/05/29/breadwinner-moms/

Women may be breadwinners but it doesn't make them happy.

"When it comes to family-life satisfaction, women who earn more than their husbands report lower satisfaction than their peers who have a lower income than their spouses, according to a new Institute for Family Studies/Wheatley Institution survey of U.S. adults ages 18 to 50. Just over half of women who out-earn their husbands (56%) say they are very satisfied with their family life, compared with nearly 70% of women who are not the primary breadwinner in the house. In contrast, the survey suggests that life satisfaction does not differ significantly among married men, whether they are the primary breadwinner or not."

https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-happiness-penalty-for-breadwinning-moms

If I had to guess women who outearn men still do more domestic labor than men another well proven fact. If you make less than your husband either because you got mommy tracked or cut back hours it's easier to justify doing more domestic labor but if you work harder and make more and still have to do the second shift it's frustrating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are evil because their moms raised them that way. Moms should be concerned and stepping up. Too many moms have failed.

But not dads?