Wedding season 2024- going gift amount?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I am offended by the concept of covering one's plate because it flies in the face of the meaning of friendship, family, and hospitality.

I always give a wedding gift but do the same level of gift regardless of how lavish or not the occasion is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Serious question: Do you think in these terms when you host people for cocktails and appetizers, or for a dinner party? Or even a child's birthday party?

What drives this transactional thinking about weddings specifically.

FYI: You don't *have to* send anyone money as a wedding gift, particularly if you are not attending the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry? If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost? I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

This is exactly what I don't get. Why do people think in terms of covering costs for weddings specifically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry? If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost? I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

This is exactly what I don't get. Why do people think in terms of covering costs for weddings specifically?

I can only come up with two reasons:

1. People just don't throw parties of any kind that are more than an inexpensive kid's birthday party, so the wedding is the only event they will ever throw that involves a decent cash outlay.
2. They actually do think transactionally about every event they throw and their invitees. They only invite people to their events that either bring some nice gift or reciprocate with their own party of roughly equal value.

That is my unscientific hypothesis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry? If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost? I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

This is exactly what I don't get. Why do people think in terms of covering costs for weddings specifically?

I think it's because a wedding is the single most expensive party you will likely ever throw in your life. Maybe that and a funeral. Yes, certainly some people have lavish birthday parties (sweet 16... bar mitzvah...40th, etc) and holiday parties, but its just not as common. Versus almost anyone getting married is considering if they should throw a wedding. For whatever reason, society has made it OK and even routinely expects someone to spend an extraordinary amount of money on a wedding. When you hear someone got engaged, often, after congrats, the next question is "are you going to have a wedding". There is a lot of societal pressure to HAVE a wedding. And then when you think about how folks may need to fly in, book a hotel, take time off - there is pressure to throw a nice event. Heck, you feel pressure to host a welcome party, a goodbye brunch, etc. I planned a wedding last year and I cannot tell you how many guests asked "are you having a welcome party".

Many parents think of their 2 big cash outlays for their child being contributing to college & their wedding. And because its such an extraordinary cash outlay, there is a societal expectation for gifts - ideally, something that meaningfully assists with the cost. I don't think anyone expects to earn back their wedding, nor are they having a wedding assuming they'll make it back, but it sure is appreciated if someone gifts generously because their generous gift still may only be less than half of their plate. And that is also why couples are so focused nowadays on not inviting some relatives, not giving plus ones, absolutely no kids, etc. It just adds up, a lot.

Final point on societal pressure - its not that uncommon for someone who makes less than $100K to spend more than $70K on their wedding (funded either by themselves through lots of saving, their family, etc.). Thats the cost of a wedding these days for 150+ guests. It sounds crazy, I know. But at $200 a plate for a catered dinner, it really adds up. $200 x 150 guests = 30K, add 30% forced tax & tip, and thats $39K right there. On just food & drink. Doesn't include photos, flowers, outfits, dress, anything else. Its totally ludicrous and the wedding industrial complex has gone haywire. Don't comment how no one is forcing you to have a wedding. Everyone knows that. But a lot of people want to have a wedding that isn't a pizza party in their backyard. And thats why the concept of gifting something is so strong, and why hosts are also sometimes offended when their valued guest gifts less than what they think is socially acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink.

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. I broke even.

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser!

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card.

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry? If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost? I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

This is exactly what I don't get. Why do people think in terms of covering costs for weddings specifically?

I think it's because a wedding is the single most expensive party you will likely ever throw in your life. Maybe that and a funeral. Yes, certainly some people have lavish birthday parties (sweet 16... bar mitzvah...40th, etc) and holiday parties, but its just not as common. Versus almost anyone getting married is considering if they should throw a wedding. For whatever reason, society has made it OK and even routinely expects someone to spend an extraordinary amount of money on a wedding. When you hear someone got engaged, often, after congrats, the next question is "are you going to have a wedding". There is a lot of societal pressure to HAVE a wedding. And then when you think about how folks may need to fly in, book a hotel, take time off - there is pressure to throw a nice event. Heck, you feel pressure to host a welcome party, a goodbye brunch, etc. I planned a wedding last year and I cannot tell you how many guests asked "are you having a welcome party".

Many parents think of their 2 big cash outlays for their child being contributing to college & their wedding. And because its such an extraordinary cash outlay, there is a societal expectation for gifts - ideally, something that meaningfully assists with the cost. I don't think anyone expects to earn back their wedding, nor are they having a wedding assuming they'll make it back, but it sure is appreciated if someone gifts generously because their generous gift still may only be less than half of their plate. And that is also why couples are so focused nowadays on not inviting some relatives, not giving plus ones, absolutely no kids, etc. It just adds up, a lot.

Final point on societal pressure - its not that uncommon for someone who makes less than $100K to spend more than $70K on their wedding (funded either by themselves through lots of saving, their family, etc.). Thats the cost of a wedding these days for 150+ guests. It sounds crazy, I know. But at $200 a plate for a catered dinner, it really adds up. $200 x 150 guests = 30K, add 30% forced tax & tip, and thats $39K right there. On just food & drink. Doesn't include photos, flowers, outfits, dress, anything else. Its totally ludicrous and the wedding industrial complex has gone haywire. Don't comment how no one is forcing you to have a wedding. Everyone knows that. But a lot of people want to have a wedding that isn't a pizza party in their backyard. And thats why the concept of gifting something is so strong, and why hosts are also sometimes offended when their valued guest gifts less than what they think is socially acceptable.

It's an unhealthy and emotionally immature mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

[Anonymous]

Not sure what going rate is but DH and I recently gave $150 for a destination wedding that cost $5k in flights and hotel alone. Would probably do $250 for a non destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

Yeah, well, you have proven that you are so ungrateful that you go looking up the price of that vase and you also feel the need to call the guests at someone else’s wedding “deadbeats”?

Ok, this is why we have etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

Many of the “crappy” weddings are a ton of fun…why would you spend $200 a head when you clearly couldn’t afford it.

All these comments make me less likely to “cover my plate” because the couple will likely overspend and mismanage their finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

Many of the “crappy” weddings are a ton of fun…why would you spend $200 a head when you clearly couldn’t afford it.

All these comments make me less likely to “cover my plate” because the couple will likely overspend and mismanage their finances.

Societal expectation! The wedding industrial complex! It sounds absurd. There really is not this hidden gem of a sub $200 option for a traditional wedding in a HCOL area. Anyone who has planned a wedding in the last two years will tell you that. But to then deliberately “punish” the couple who invited you by limiting your gift? That’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

It really depends case by case on who’s getting married and how many of us are invited.

If two of us are attending, friends get 200-300 depending on the wedding.

Relatives get 300-400 for two of us.

If two of us are flying somewhere and paying for hotel, 100.

I also check how much we received and try to give more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

Many of the “crappy” weddings are a ton of fun…why would you spend $200 a head when you clearly couldn’t afford it.

All these comments make me less likely to “cover my plate” because the couple will likely overspend and mismanage their finances.

Societal expectation! The wedding industrial complex! It sounds absurd. There really is not this hidden gem of a sub $200 option for a traditional wedding in a HCOL area. Anyone who has planned a wedding in the last two years will tell you that. But to then deliberately “punish” the couple who invited you by limiting your gift? That’s ridiculous.

So, don’t do a traditional wedding.

I believe Gen Z is pushing back against the wedding industrial complex…but we will see.

[Anonymous]

About 15 years ago we hit a tough patch financially and I don't think we gave more than $100 as a wedding gift for a while. Maybe it's not surprising that we have been invited to zero weddings over the past 10 years. Oh well.

I like weddings and maybe I should just start crashing them at our church (the ceremony, not the reception).