Wedding season 2024- going gift amount?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

You’re overthinking what I wrote. I also did not ask for your life’s story. If my dad wants to give me a gift I won’t say no. But I’m not gonna advertise “no gifts”. There won’t be a website to send me a gift or anything to advertise it. It’s that simple

Oh honey, you are going to get so much crap you didn't ask for and don't want. No one will say "gee, there is no registry so I guess I don't have to get a gift." Best case scenario is people default to money. Worst case is you get a hundred butter knives.

Your best bet might be to say "in lieu of gifts please donate to X charity." People will probably spend less on the donation than on a gift, but you will be helping a cause instead of getting butter knives.

+1. Including a note on your registry with links to your suggested charities. I've had friends set up fundraisers for the charity and ask that you anonymously donate in lieu of a gift, and then at the wedding reference that the charity is at X dollars, thank you all so much, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a joke? This is extremely cheap.

....to the $25 poster

I still remember my husband’s well off aunt uncle and 3 adult kids bringing two wrapped boxes to the wedding. They were the only ones that brought and made a big show of giving it to us in front of people at the reception to make us schlep it back to the hotel. What was in it? 4 pottery barn wine glasses total.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What’s ridiculous is thinking people that don’t fork over large wads of cash are punishing you for being invited to your wedding.

This is the language my NY family member used when I gave $100 to a nephew (I posted upthread) that I don’t really have a relationship with. I was told I was “punishing” him. The expectation stunned me, honestly. (I did not attend the wedding, so this is not a “cover your plate” issue.) I have no idea if my nephew felt that way, since we’ve had almost no communication since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

I take people at their word. Our wealthy friends also explicitly stated no gifts for the husband's 60th. We bought a card and placed it on the table where others had brought card and gifts. I did not feel bad because those people who brought gifts clearly went against the couple's wishes. That was gauche of your brother to thank the gift givers in his speech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a joke? This is extremely cheap.

....to the $25 poster

I still remember my husband’s well off aunt uncle and 3 adult kids bringing two wrapped boxes to the wedding. They were the only ones that brought and made a big show of giving it to us in front of people at the reception to make us schlep it back to the hotel. What was in it? 4 pottery barn wine glasses total.

That would have been embarrassing and a reflection of their lack of etiquette. It is expected that any gifts be sent to the brides home. Cards with checks are fine to hand to the groom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a joke? This is extremely cheap.

....to the $25 poster

I still remember my husband’s well off aunt uncle and 3 adult kids bringing two wrapped boxes to the wedding. They were the only ones that brought and made a big show of giving it to us in front of people at the reception to make us schlep it back to the hotel. What was in it? 4 pottery barn wine glasses total.

My cousin gave us nothing for our wedding and brought her fiance and daughter. She did not invite us to their big wedding a year later and we lived in the same city. They were better off than we were. People can be insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

You’re overthinking what I wrote. I also did not ask for your life’s story. If my dad wants to give me a gift I won’t say no. But I’m not gonna advertise “no gifts”. There won’t be a website to send me a gift or anything to advertise it. It’s that simple

Oh honey, you are going to get so much crap you didn't ask for and don't want. No one will say "gee, there is no registry so I guess I don't have to get a gift." Best case scenario is people default to money. Worst case is you get a hundred butter knives.

Your best bet might be to say "in lieu of gifts please donate to X charity." People will probably spend less on the donation than on a gift, but you will be helping a cause instead of getting butter knives.

You need to realize that you are a bad person for giving people “crap people didn’t ask for”. Do better and stop overthinking things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

You’re overthinking what I wrote. I also did not ask for your life’s story. If my dad wants to give me a gift I won’t say no. But I’m not gonna advertise “no gifts”. There won’t be a website to send me a gift or anything to advertise it. It’s that simple

Oh honey, you are going to get so much crap you didn't ask for and don't want. No one will say "gee, there is no registry so I guess I don't have to get a gift." Best case scenario is people default to money. Worst case is you get a hundred butter knives.

Your best bet might be to say "in lieu of gifts please donate to X charity." People will probably spend less on the donation than on a gift, but you will be helping a cause instead of getting butter knives.

+1. Including a note on your registry with links to your suggested charities. I've had friends set up fundraisers for the charity and ask that you anonymously donate in lieu of a gift, and then at the wedding reference that the charity is at X dollars, thank you all so much, etc.

No

“No gifts” does not equal “donate to a charity of your choice”. I couldn’t care less about a charity. If you wanna donate to a charity, guess what, you can already do that by me not specifying that for my wedding. It’s not that hard. You people just want to give gifts and money for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I had no idea about the NY “premium” on wedding gifts. I send a card with $100 to a nephew I hadn’t heard from in ten years, despite my sending cards and small gifts during that time. (I was traveling and didn’t attend the wedding.) I was informed by another family member that that amount was insulting. 🙄 Of course, that gift wasn’t acknowledged, either.

Doing that is seen as basically the equivalent of leaving a penny for a tip at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Covering your plate is the norm in NY. I'm from there but live here. Going to nieces wedding in October and will give $500.

Guessing that when you say "the norm in NY" you mean NYC/Long Island area specifically.

Well nobody gives a crap about poughkeepsie or endicott, NY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings in some parts of US are broke dick bare bones crap.

In parts of county you go to some shack of a church and on basement some coffee and cake served. Even “rich” people in places like Ohio at crappy country club of bride with a cash bar.

I got one gift that was not cash my wedding some vase I needed like a whole in my head. The couple were multimillionaires and me and wife had combined $110k a year in one and living in a one bedroom apt. No receipt either was a used vase. They are $200 worth of food and drink and handed me a vase not even in a box! I googled it and was junk like $20 bucks.

I went to one wedding couple also making what I made had $200 a person wedding. But I had money by then. I gave them $1,000 to cover some deadbeats

Many of the “crappy” weddings are a ton of fun…why would you spend $200 a head when you clearly couldn’t afford it.

All these comments make me less likely to “cover my plate” because the couple will likely overspend and mismanage their finances.

Societal expectation! The wedding industrial complex! It sounds absurd. There really is not this hidden gem of a sub $200 option for a traditional wedding in a HCOL area. Anyone who has planned a wedding in the last two years will tell you that. But to then deliberately “punish” the couple who invited you by limiting your gift? That’s ridiculous.

So, don’t do a traditional wedding.

I believe Gen Z is pushing back against the wedding industrial complex…but we will see.

I sure hope so! The amount of money some people are spending on weddings is just stupid. And, for what? To impress distant relatives or acquaintances on Instagram? I’m glad DH and I got married pre-social media. We had one of those “tacky” church weddings and basement receptions you disdain. All-in, ours was less than 5K for 100 people. We’ve been married 20 years.
I’ve been to expensive weddings where the marriage lasted less than a year. In fact, I think the happiest marriages are often the couples who spent the least on their weddings. They care less about impressing other people and more about the commitment to each other.

[Anonymous]

Not giving a gift at a wedding is the equivalent of not tipping at a restaurant. Neither is required, but most people do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I had no idea about the NY “premium” on wedding gifts. I send a card with $100 to a nephew I hadn’t heard from in ten years, despite my sending cards and small gifts during that time. (I was traveling and didn’t attend the wedding.) I was informed by another family member that that amount was insulting. 🙄 Of course, that gift wasn’t acknowledged, either.

Doing that is seen as basically the equivalent of leaving a penny for a tip at a restaurant.

But he didn't attend the wedding so the nephew got $100 without paying anything for pp to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I had no idea about the NY “premium” on wedding gifts. I send a card with $100 to a nephew I hadn’t heard from in ten years, despite my sending cards and small gifts during that time. (I was traveling and didn’t attend the wedding.) I was informed by another family member that that amount was insulting. 🙄 Of course, that gift wasn’t acknowledged, either.

Doing that is seen as basically the equivalent of leaving a penny for a tip at a restaurant.

But he didn't attend the wedding so the nephew got $100 without paying anything for pp to attend.

That is still cheap, $200 is what I give if not attending in NYC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

You’re overthinking what I wrote. I also did not ask for your life’s story. If my dad wants to give me a gift I won’t say no. But I’m not gonna advertise “no gifts”. There won’t be a website to send me a gift or anything to advertise it. It’s that simple

So you are asking for Cash Only gifts. No registery means you want cash.