Reply to Wedding season 2024- going gift amount?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why not just put the cost per person on the invitation so that we are all clear on the expectations?[/quote]

Use the internet. Look I was dead broke got married. I did a great wedding but we really pinched every nickel to afford it as paying ourselves.

The actually reception dinner itself. (No DJ, Limos, flowers) [b]just the food and drink I paid $90 a person.

A couple giving me a $150 “gift” is actually not a gift when they are $180 worth of food and drink. [/b]

Couples can only afford weddings as some generous guests “cover their plate” plus extra to make up for deadbeats. [b]I broke even.[/b] [/quote]

Was it a wedding, or a fundraiser![/quote]

Well I had some guests who made 10x my income who go out to $100 dollar dinners all the time. Expecting  them to just pay for food they eat is not crazy.

But what drives me nuts are third cousins who invite me to weddings 100s of miles away they know I can’t go to and I have to send them $150 Bucks and a card. [/quote]

Is there something about a wedding that makes people get so angry?  If you invited these people to your catered holiday party would you expect them to bring a gift that equates to their per person cost?  I specifically tell people not to bring anything to our holiday parties because it usually just gets freecycled or trashed.

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This is exactly what I don't get.  Why do people think in terms of covering costs for weddings specifically?[/quote]

I think it's because a wedding is the single most expensive party you will likely ever throw in your life. Maybe that and a funeral. Yes, certainly some people have lavish birthday parties (sweet 16... bar mitzvah...40th, etc) and holiday parties, but its just not as common. Versus almost anyone getting married is considering if they should throw a wedding. For whatever reason, society has made it OK and even routinely expects someone to spend an extraordinary amount of money on a wedding. When you hear someone got engaged, often, after congrats, the next question is "are you going to have a wedding". There is a lot of societal pressure to HAVE a wedding. And then when you think about how folks may need to fly in, book a hotel, take time off - there is pressure to throw a nice event. Heck, you feel pressure to host a welcome party, a goodbye brunch, etc. I planned a wedding last year and I cannot tell you how many guests asked "are you having a welcome party".

Many parents think of their 2 big cash outlays for their child being contributing to college & their wedding. And because its such an extraordinary cash outlay, there is a societal expectation for gifts - ideally, something that meaningfully assists with the cost. I don't think anyone expects to earn back their wedding, nor are they having a wedding assuming they'll make it back, but it sure is appreciated if someone gifts generously [i]because their generous gift still may only be less than half of their plate[/i]. And that is also why couples are so focused nowadays on not inviting some relatives, not giving plus ones, absolutely no kids, etc. It just adds up, a lot.

Final point on societal pressure - its not that uncommon for someone who makes less than $100K to spend more than $70K on their wedding (funded either by themselves through lots of saving, their family, etc.). Thats the cost of a wedding these days for 150+ guests. It sounds crazy, I know. But at $200 a plate for a catered dinner, it really adds up. $200 x 150 guests = 30K, add 30% forced tax & tip, and thats $39K right there. On just food & drink. Doesn't include photos, flowers, outfits, dress, anything else. Its totally ludicrous and the wedding industrial complex has gone haywire. Don't comment how no one is forcing you to have a wedding. Everyone knows that. But a lot of people want to have a wedding that isn't a pizza party in their backyard. And thats why the concept of gifting something is so strong, and why hosts are also sometimes offended when their valued guest gifts less than what they think is socially acceptable. [/quote]

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