Wedding season 2024- going gift amount?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha! We just hosted a black tie wedding in DC proper and had a set of my children’s local friends gifted $50 (so $25 a person). Trust me, they can afford to give way more. My daughter was shocked at how cheap her friends were! It barely covered the cost of a single cocktail at the hotel bar afterparty (which of course they attended).

So the goal is to turn a profit?

Of course it is not to turn a profit. It’s just a statement that a gift of $25/person covers barely anything. It just goes to show people have differing social norms - this was not a case of not being able to afford gifting more. But if you are so focused on profit, it cost us $325 a plate inclusive of tax and service fee (its about 30% these days) for catering & open bar, so we are “officially” negative $600 on these particular guests. Weddings prices have gone out the door these days.

"covers barely anything" - so it's an entrance fee?

Some people do a simple wedding in their backyard, or at City Hall. People who want more than that can spend the money for a big party, of course. The cost is on them, not their guests (who are not "guests" at all if they are expected to "cover" costs).

+1 The "cover your plate" concept is so tacky. The first time I heard it was from someone who grew up in MD. He told the guy at the registry store that he wanted to cover his plate. The guy bristled and told him there's no need for that.

DH and I threw an expensive wedding and had no intention of foisting the costs onto our guests. After reading this thread, I hope no one felt like they had to spend more on a gift just because we chose to spend more on the wedding. I'm from the South and was raised that the host always pays for the party without any expectations for gifts. Never any cash bars and we pay for everyone if we throw a dinner party at a restaurant.

We give gifts based on how close we are to the couple. I don't care if it's a black tie event for 200 people or BBQ in the backyard for 25 people. I'd actually feel more honored to be selected as someone's top 25 people than some third cousin who I barely know, but I'd be grateful to be invited to either wedding.

You were raised well. We also had no expectation for gifts. We paid for everything ourselves. We did have a registry with a range of prices (mom insisted so that people wouldn’t hound us/hee about what we needed or wanted or liked). It had maybe 50 items. I know people said it was short, but it had nothing on it that we weren’t planning to buy if no one did. We are not rich but we budgeted for what we could afford.

+1. This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings are costing more because the couple is expecting more (or trying to impress guests). Growing up I recall helping prepare foods (more often desserts) and decorating venues. It was a group effort. And family weddings were usually 400 guests. This was done even for rich (business owner types) relatives. The foods prepared by family / neighbors was often better than the outsourced catered stuff.

Now “everyone” wants a wedding that will garner more followers or likes on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

I take people at their word. Our wealthy friends also explicitly stated no gifts for the husband's 60th. We bought a card and placed it on the table where others had brought card and gifts. I did not feel bad because those people who brought gifts clearly went against the couple's wishes. That was gauche of your brother to thank the gift givers in his speech.

No, it wasn't. You have to thank people for gifts, whether you wanted them or not. And during the speech was the easiest time to do it, if there were a lot of them.

Yes it was. You thank your guests for attending, not for their gifts. I’ve never heard a bride or groom or guest of honor thank people for their gifts. You can thank them for their gifts with a card or call after the party.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

I take people at their word. Our wealthy friends also explicitly stated no gifts for the husband's 60th. We bought a card and placed it on the table where others had brought card and gifts. I did not feel bad because those people who brought gifts clearly went against the couple's wishes. That was gauche of your brother to thank the gift givers in his speech.

No, it wasn't. You have to thank people for gifts, whether you wanted them or not. And during the speech was the easiest time to do it, if there were a lot of them.

Yes it was. You thank your guests for attending, not for their gifts. I’ve never heard a bride or groom or guest of honor thank people for their gifts. You can thank them for their gifts with a card or call after the party.

They were caught off guard because the invite said no gifts. It was awkward. But it was also fine.

It was not fine. He made some of his guest that were there to celebrate him feel bad not to have done more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a joke? This is extremely cheap.

....to the $25 poster

I still remember my husband’s well off aunt uncle and 3 adult kids bringing two wrapped boxes to the wedding. They were the only ones that brought and made a big show of giving it to us in front of people at the reception to make us schlep it back to the hotel. What was in it? 4 pottery barn wine glasses total.

That would have been embarrassing and a reflection of their lack of etiquette. It is expected that any gifts be sent to the brides home. Cards with checks are fine to hand to the groom.

No it isn't. Gifts may be sent to the bride's home. They can also be brought to the wedding, and, depending on one's culture, often are.

I have never seen gifts brought to an American wedding unless by a very dumb single guy.

[Anonymous]

Mid 30s UMC here — I am gifting $400/couple for most weddings and $1000/couple for close friends and family. For friends who have requested “no gifts” and have no registry we are surprising them with something for their honeymoon (like dinner or spa treatments at their destination)

[Anonymous]

When you don’t have a wedding, everyone knows you’re not asking for stuff from them.
Public courthouse or clergy of choice. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mid 30s UMC here — I am gifting $400/couple for most weddings and $1000/couple for close friends and family. For friends who have requested “no gifts” and have no registry we are surprising them with something for their honeymoon (like dinner or spa treatments at their destination)

You are very generous. How did you come up with these amounts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid 30s UMC here — I am gifting $400/couple for most weddings and $1000/couple for close friends and family. For friends who have requested “no gifts” and have no registry we are surprising them with something for their honeymoon (like dinner or spa treatments at their destination)

You are very generous. How did you come up with these amounts?

This is based on the higher end of what we were gifted for our wedding a few years ago by friends / family in similar situations. And 10 years ago in our 20s, we were gifting $200/couple and both costs and our finances have increased significantly since then. Generally our friends are also having nice weddings as they get older so I’m pretty certain we’re not coming anywhere close to covering our plates even at these costs. For example, our guests cost us $1000 pp for just food and alcohol for a weekend wedding (multiple events).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m planning my wedding for next year. I don’t expect any gifts. If I invited you, your presence is the gift already. Anything else is gravy

That is the WORST thing in world. Horrible. Everyone know no gifts is a Thirst Trap.

My brother did this his big 50 birthday party. Had it a big fancy country club on a Saturday Evening. Full open bar, full sit down dinner, DJ and Dance Floor. Invited my whole family

He put on invitations NO GIFTs in big letters. I said to wife guess he wants no presents. My wife goes sounds like a trick. So wife makes me get a $200 dollar gift card, we put it in a nice gift bag and wife goes it it is a trap we can just write a note and give it to him.

So we get there. There is a Table up front and people are putting gifts and stuff on it. Then my brother in a Faux surprise in his thank you for coming speech on the DJ Microphone brings up I said no gifts, but for all the people who brought gifts thank you so much such a surprise and greatly appreciated.

If not for my wife I would have been bulldozed.

People are now getting married later in life. When I was married my wife and I paid our own wedding. I think after all said and done we had $3,000 in the bank day before wedding. Was a long time ago but all in cost me around $130 a person if you count my limo, flowers, photography on top of reception. I only made $55,000 a year at the time.

I have a few rich relatives. My Uncle makes around $500,000 a year and my older brother was making $200,000 a year and my wife has a rich Uncle and I had a few cousins well off. I was struggling.

I know a wedding is not a money maker. But with taxes and tip the meal alone was $100 a person. My $500,000 year uncle ate steak, has appetizers, salad, full cocktail hour with heavy food and buffet, then cakes and after dinner drinks. if he went out to his favorite restaurant with his wife that would easily cost him $500 and he does that all the time. Why would he show up at his poor nephews wedding and not at least cover his plate?

You’re overthinking what I wrote. I also did not ask for your life’s story. If my dad wants to give me a gift I won’t say no. But I’m not gonna advertise “no gifts”. There won’t be a website to send me a gift or anything to advertise it. It’s that simple

So you are asking for Cash Only gifts. No registery means you want cash.

God you are thick as a rock. No gifts means no giving of any kind. I am not the Church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am genuinely curious: if you are one of the posters who is offended by the notion of cover your plate or that there is any expectation to gift- what are you doing when you attend? Are you not gifting at all?

I find the "cover your plate" thing tacky and was raised to believe that there is never an expectation of gift (I would probably find it odd if someone went to a wedding and gave nothing, though). Wedding registries were created by all couples when I was at the age where a lot of my friends were marrying (90s-early 00s), and you would put plenty of really inexpensive things on there on purpose so that people could spend a small amount on a gift if that fit their budget/sensibility. In my (WASPy, wealthy, midwestern) community, there was no expectation to cover a plate, or even to give an expensive gift if you were wealthy. I'll add here though, that back then parents paid for the wedding, and in my community there was plenty of money for that. Young couples were not paying for the wedding -- so there was less financial stress caused. Less financial stress caused = less of a situation where couples are taking the potential amount they will get in gifts into consideration when they are setting a budget for their reception (I find that a dumb thing to do, but people do it).

What am I doing when I attend a wedding now? For young couples, I am giving cash -- because nowadays that is what people want, and it is the norm. $300-500 for friends, $500-$1000 for the niece/nephew situation. The last wedding we attended was a second marriage, later in life, and we got them something off their registry that cost about $125 and they loved it and were thrilled; it's good to just take all facts and circumstances into consideration -- I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have even been comfortable with a big check. Whereas a young niece/nephew would look at that gift from that registry and roll their eyes and wonder why we didn't send a big check. Cultural norms are shifting around all of this. Mainly, I think, because couples are paying for their own wedding, and weddings aren't getting any cheaper.

Also, fwiw, although I grew up with wealthy grandparents, friends, etc, my DH and I are UMC at best, and we eloped as we had no desire to spend a lot of money on a wedding. (I married later, and my parents were no longer with us to pay, although they paid for my sibling's wedding.) We expected no gifts, and didn't get many, but a coworker I was only acquainted a little bit with showed up to work after my wedding with a beautiful card for me with a $25 Starbucks gift card in it because I'm always arriving at work with a Starbucks drink -- I'll never forget it and it meant a lot to me that she thought of me. It was probably my favorite wedding gift. Everything is context.

Weddings are costing more because the couple is expecting more (or trying to impress guests). Growing up I recall helping prepare foods (more often desserts) and decorating venues. It was a group effort. And family weddings were usually 400 guests. This was done even for rich (business owner types) relatives. The foods prepared by family / neighbors was often better than the outsourced catered stuff.

Now “everyone” wants a wedding that will garner more followers or likes on social media.

False. I’m the PP above not wanting gifts for my wedding and I don’t have an Instagram or a Facebook