Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.

Im not sure he is a workaholic. He seems to genuinely care for his patients. If a patient sees him and needs surgery, he will do the surgery. There is a never ending flow of patients so he just keeps getting busier. At the same time, he has friends and colleagues who operate less and do more research and industry and he likes that side too. He is trying to do both and it feels like it is at my expense.

[Anonymous]

So there is notion out there that surgeons hit their peak performance in 40-50's, and then decline. Many doctors want to stay productive and intellectually engaged past the typical general retirement age, but cannot stomach the idea of pure patient care until 72 or whatever. Sounds like he is exploring or setting up the next phase of his career. I think you and him have to discuss overall priorities for your life together as a couple and familly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.

Im not sure he is a workaholic. He seems to genuinely care for his patients. If a patient sees him and needs surgery, he will do the surgery. There is a never ending flow of patients so he just keeps getting busier. At the same time, he has friends and colleagues who operate less and do more research and industry and he likes that side too. He is trying to do both and it feels like it is at my expense.

Then have an honest discussion about both of your lives priorities.
It IS at your expense even if just indirectly and unintentional (I'm being generous).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

NP. I think this is likely an unrealistic expectation. Surgery tends to attract ambitious, workaholic types because of the years of training and stressful nature of the work. Did you get married after he had already decided to pursue his specialty? If so, you should have known what you were signing up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a surgeon there should be more than enough money to hire a nanny, cleaning help etc. I’m not sure what you’re looking for. He’s not flexible.

Do this, and take me time.

[Anonymous]

Stop blowing up at him. No matter what your concerns are, you owe your spouse the respect of not screaming and throwing a tantrum on the regular. Be specific about the changes you’d like to see. Ask for help when you need it. But blowing up is emotional and frankly manipulative and you wouldn’t tolerate your husband doing that to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

What does “better” look like? What do you actually want him to do?

Better looks like he works half as much as he does now and earn 800k and I go back to work and earn 200k and being partners.

So the problem is “I don’t feel like we’re partners in raising a family”? That sucks, I see why you find it upsetting. But I strongly suggest you try to separate the problem (which is a real problem!) from your proposed solution. Can you have an open-ended conversation about how you feel and see if he has any suggestions? You can talk about times you’ve felt like partners! You can even say “I know I get mad about how much you work, and I know your job is important to you, I think it upsets me because I feel like we’re not partners and I’d like us to figure out together how we can fix that.”

[Anonymous]

You sound really dumb. No, going back to work won't help. It will be worse. You married a surgeon. That is not a career in which he can help at home. You should know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and create a life for yourself.

Personally I would go back to work and hire help.

He is going to dump you OP

I sure hope so.
She is completely unappreciative of the life he provides her.

+1. This post is ridiculous.

OP: Imagine doing everything AND working a demanding full time job like most women with kids in this area. You are privleged. And ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

+1. In OP's situation she would get alimony and half of the assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

Thissss

Learned this the hard way. He weakly anything in retirement accounts is protected

You split your house and cash accounts. That’s it.

Retirement accounts are also 50/50

The maritial share of retirement accounts. Not the entirety (not the premarital share)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

What?? One evening a week is nothing

You need your own savings girl!

50/50 rarely happens - higher earner gets to keep everything

This is not true. Stop spewing nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

You have NOTHING to complain about. Seriously, shut up. I hope he leaves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team husband. This woman is batshit crazy.

+1 My thoughts exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a surgeon there should be more than enough money to hire a nanny, cleaning help etc. I’m not sure what you’re looking for. He’s not flexible.

Do this, and take me time.

i agree with this. i don't see any way a busy surgeon is going to change his ways and help more around the house etc.

you likely have plenty of money. use it to pay for the things he won't/can't do.

getting a job will make your life worse, unless you think he might divorce you sometime. in that case, getting a job might be a good idea.