The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

There is a reason suicide rates are also up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:parents who push kids want something to brag about. That's it.

I push my kid but never talk about it. I want my kid to fit in socially

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a college athlete, you can’t push a child to that level. I have multiple kids. Only one had the drive to play college. I could not have forced it if I’d tried. That has to come from within.

That's correct, that it has to be the kid who wants to do the travel program, but also they have to just be the better athlete. I've seen kids just show up brand new that are almost immediately better at the sport than the existing players because they are natural athletes. Lots of other coaches will say that if you don't do elite programs and offseaons training that you'll fall behind, which is true, but genetics are often more important than anything the coaches or parents do.

As far as taking advanced math in elementary school, don't the schools take care of that? My kids tested into AAP and then did the higher level math all the way through HS. Some parents do extra tutoring to be extra advanced but at some point it becomes like athletics, they are going to learn as much math as they are smart enough to understand.

+1
It’s sad that parents think they can make their child a top athlete. The top athletes are naturally gifted. And there aren’t a ton of them. Only 2% of high school athletes go on to play Division 1 Sport. The best thing to do is introduce your child to various sports. They might find one that they love or they might find out they’d rather be in the theatre. Let the child lead. If he has the talent and drive he has an excellent shot.

Same with math as above poster wrote. Tutors for math should be left to the students struggling. Kids gifted in math will be just fine. The math teachers will love them and they will take the top classes with excellent scores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:parents who push kids want something to brag about. That's it.

I push my kid but never talk about it. I want my kid to fit in socially

NP. How do you do push them socially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

Same here. It’s also hard to know at this age which sport to keep up with. You don’t know what puberty will do.

That is so easy. Keep up with the sport that your child enjoys. If puberty changes that for some reason then change the sport. How hard is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an extremely involved parent but I do not consider myself a helicopter parent. I have 3 kids so my time is limited for each kid. At the same time, we demand academic excellence. I let my kids try many different sports and activities and let them choose what they want and we support them as we see fit.

DH and I are well educated, attended top colleges and ivy grad schools. We hope and expect our kids will follow in our footsteps.

💯 Indian

We are not Indian. We are Asian American though.

Our kids are happy. If they lived in our native countries, they would have study all day everyday. My kids play sports, hang out with their friends and have a well balanced life. Their parents and grandparents are all high achievers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin had tutors for her DD all throughtout MS/HS -- the girl is smart but fully admits the tutors are how she got by. The parents also made sure she had the "right" extracurriculars (summer internships at friends jobs, a "charity" she started when she was too young to have thought of the idea.) She just got into a great university. So yes, there's definitely truth to the fact that parents involvement help. (And, they'll get her tutors throughout college too so it's not like it's going to catch up with her).

She just followed her mother’s road map ? She certainly isn't a leader but that’s ok, I just can’t imagine a kid who has a mind of their own just accepting her parents choices for extra curricular. Activities are supposed to be enjoyed by the child not just look good on an application. Tutoring her whole life and even in college can’t make her feel too confident. Her self esteem must be pretty low. Nah, not a good example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is giving me anxiety, my kids are in elementary. So are you saying that we should invest in math tutors?

The one piece of solid advice I can offer is that A kid who is not at least in pre-algebra in seventh grade is going to have a hard time with college admissions. Most competitive schools want to see calculus on the transcript. There are 4 classes between calculus and pre-algebra algebra, geometry, algebra-2and pre-calculus. Once you’re off that track it’s pretty hard.

That kid won't have "a hard time with college admissions." They'll have a hard time getting into highly competitive schools, for sure. Like the vast majority of applicants.

But there are way more schools out there than the 50 or so highly competitive ones that people on DCUM think are the only ones that exist.

Most kids are not headed toward the most highly selective schools and that's okay.

DP. I did not grow up on the East Coast or go to school on the East Coast and I think the obsession on DCUM with Ivies and top elite schools is silly. But any decent college, anywhere in the country, wants to see calculus on the HS transcript. The new AP Precalc class isn't fooling anyone.

Are classes past calculus needed (or a good idea)? No. But calculus is.

No, not every decent college requires calculus. Only if your degree requires that kind of ability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience has been the opposite of OP’s. The pushy parents eventually got rebellion. My child is at a top college, well adjusted, and not resentful of me for breathing down his neck.

+1. I had a pushy mom and went to a top college. I’ve hated her and had a crap relationship with her for years.

[Anonymous]

Think about the type of parents who push their kids like this. What are those parents like? Generally they are successful in their careers/have prestigious jobs, are wealthy, attended top schools, etc. guess what? Their kids are statistically likely to be similar to their parents. Kids of wealthy parents are generally wealthy as well. Kids of parents w prestigious jobs generally go on to have prestigious jobs themselves. Is it because their parents pushed them or is it because they were genetically predisposed to be intelligent and driven people? Of course there are plenty of successful people who do not come from successful parents and plenty of successful parents who do not yield successful kids but generally your genetic makeup and the environment you’re raised in are more of a determining factor in future success than whether or not you took math tutoring in elementary.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no amount of travel sport will help your child get into a good college if they are just not talented enough. My friend has her kids in a sport since they were 5 and then they did travel as well. Neither of her kids could even get into varsity in high school because even varsity is extremely competitive in the good schools. Athletic ability in a sport is largely an innate talent and cannot be taught.

Academically as well some kids are just brighter and can understand new material easily whereas others struggle. Tutoring may help till middle school but by high school, you have to have a strong understanding of concepts in order to do well. Most kids are average and there is nothing wrong with that!

[Anonymous]

Middle class parents have lot of fears, more so if they are immigrants or have seen adversity, they don't want their kids to experience it hence sometimes they can be unreasonable, more so if they themselves don't understand local system.

Its amusing for others to label them as helicopters or tigers or bulldozers but to help them and their kids, there should be more guidance sessions at schools. Public school guidance and counseling system sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indians have it down to a science

Lol no....we struggle as much as rest of the parents, I have regrets that mine are not very athletic, I wish they were. Now true to the stereotype, yes, my kids have had math tutors since 4th grade and they excel in math but there are other challenges that they experience. However, I do believe that a good amount of parental involvement can take a kid from average to above average, we don't believe that a child will only achieve what he/she can based on their abilities, we believe that by providing lots of external support we can easily take them up a level or two and that's why we continue to push.

For example, my daughter was an average student in math until 3rd grade, she started feeling that that's all she can achieve in math. Since grade 4, she has had a private tutor and tons of practice + hard work, in middle school now she is in algebra. Was she one of those kids who are math wizards? Not at all. By guiding, tutoring and putting in the time she is where she is currently. Will this make a difference in her life or college admissions? I don't know, we can only work hard and put in the effort everyday and let the chips fall where they may.

Although, the best thing I have learnt from american parenting culture is to aim for a balance, so I push them so that they develop good work habits, so that they can learn to work hard but not only in the pursuit of grades.

What's she going to do in high school when she doesn't have time for tons of practice and hard work to stay afloat, because she's busy with many other classes?

DD is friends with a child like this. Seems like the sh!t will hit the fan next year in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience has been the opposite of OP’s. The pushy parents eventually got rebellion. My child is at a top college, well adjusted, and not resentful of me for breathing down his neck.

+1. I had a pushy mom and went to a top college. I’ve hated her and had a crap relationship with her for years.

You can have a crap relationship with any parent. Pretty sure she could have neglected you or remarried and you could have a crap relationship too.

I had a pushy mom. My best friend’s mom was so nice, extremely passive and was not pushy in any way. My friend loves her mom and has a good relationship with her but she also blames a lot of her problems on her mom. I don’t have the best relationship with my mom. She isn’t pushy anymore but just annoys me. I turned out well, went to good schools, married well, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think the best thing you can do for your kids is not to be helicopter parents but to leave them a lot of money, pay for their college and pay the down payment for their house. That way they aren’t enslaved to the rat race. Give them a cushion to land on but at the same time make sure you instill values such as hard work, discipline and ambition in them.