Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

I did not grow up here and like living here. Amongst friends and coworkers I only know two people eager to move back to the West Coast. I can see being interested in “trying something different,” though, regardless if you liked it here or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

the idea that OP should give up her well-paying, flexible job that she loves so her WFH husband can move to a rural area is just bonkers. Wrong on every level.

also the DC area is not “soul crushing.” we have access to lots of outdoor activities. if her DH isn’t getting out that is his fault. he’s blaming his malaise on DC (and now setting up a scenario where he gets to blame OP). he’s not 20. he needs to take responsibility for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Yeah, this is where my parents are in their 60s. They feel very stuck, they are in great shape to retire where they are but don't have family nearby; their friends are increasingly moving away to where their kids are, but their home wouldn't get them housing in the DMV, it's just not worth enough.

I like to visit and do wish we lived closer now, but i spent my teens and early adult life just wanting to get out of my 5000 person town where jobs are very limited, and it's not easy to go back if you're not a teacher, nurse, blue collar, or one specific type of engineer (company town). I have always had that in mind when thinking about raising my kids in a small town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how much does he earn

How much do you earn?

Let’s be honest, unless you are a real mover or shaker (which is roughly only 500-1000 people in this town) no one cares about their career when they are dying

DP here. I told myself this for many years as I worked in admin jobs (I was in litigation) in order to support my husband's worthy career dreams. I'm not really sure if I can fully explain the toll on my mental health as I beat all my ambition into submission. I can tell you all about my drinking problem (now sober) pretty easily, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

If your marriage falls apart and you need or want to move back to DC for work, you won’t be able to with the kids. Moving to Vermont means Vermont has jurisdiction over your children. This is about much more than a “cool” town.

Tell your DH to get a weekend outdoorsy hobby and grow up. If he truly loves the outdoors he’d already be taking advantage of the hiking, biking, camping & boating available in this area. If he’s not, then he’s lying to himself about what he really wants.

Agree. He is likely idealizing moving and perhaps masking underlying other issues with this as a panacea.

And bonus, if they stay in DC, from now anytime he is unhappy he can blame his wife because he convinced himself he'd magically be happy had he moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you drive him around to some of the exurban areas so he can see what it's like? My husband is also like yours and we compromised by moving to Reston - it's wooded, we have a lot of land, it feels like we live much further out than we actually do.

Trust me, if someone’s heart is in Vermont, Reston ain’t gonna cut it.

Last time we were there, traffic on Reston Pkwy was so bad that it took us 15 minutes to get from Sunset Hills to Baron Cameron. At 10 am on a Monday. My dh practically lost his mind.

This is so emblematic of a DMV hater post - a onetime uncommon traffic situation is a defining life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about lifestyle for your kid? One thing keeping us here instead of moving somewhere more rural is the opportunities our kids have in a city that aren’t available elsewhere - diversity of people, not having to drive everywhere, access to museums, art, culture. Our kids are still young but it is kind of amazing when my 4 year old says he wants to see dinosaur bones to be able to say, let’s go this weekend!

There’s also nothing like taking our kids out in nature and letting them run free outside for days. But if we lived there, that would not be their life. They’d be in the car or the bus 30 minutes to school each way, long drives to friends houses and activities.

Maybe since your DH grew up that way he’s okay with having your kid grow up that way, but it’s not a way of life I want for my kid. So we live in the city and vacation in nature and count the years until retirement (when likely we’ll still stay in the city for access to medical care. Did you read the thread on here about medical care in Maine in the off season? Kind of scary).

Do not undervalue this poster’s advice!

DH and I (second marriages) originally agreed to move to a rural location when we had an empty nest. Meanwhile, we both were diagnosed with cancer within the span of 4.5 years. The closest treatment centers would have been 2.5 hours away. My cancer couldn’t even be treated there. We would have given up his dream lifestyle anyway just so I could have a shot to survive.

He’s sad about it in a way I understand. I’ve compromised on other things and think we’ll move on okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

I did not grow up here and like living here. Amongst friends and coworkers I only know two people eager to move back to the West Coast. I can see being interested in “trying something different,” though, regardless if you liked it here or not.

Seriously. Where did everyone grow up that the DMV is so awful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how much does he earn

How much do you earn?

Let’s be honest, unless you are a real mover or shaker (which is roughly only 500-1000 people in this town) no one cares about their career when they are dying

DP here. I told myself this for many years as I worked in admin jobs (I was in litigation) in order to support my husband's worthy career dreams. I'm not really sure if I can fully explain the toll on my mental health as I beat all my ambition into submission. I can tell you all about my drinking problem (now sober) pretty easily, however.

^^To clarify, I was not in admin jobs in litigation. I had been a practicing lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. These are all helpful perspectives. I make about 230 and he makes about 160. He is open to somewhere near a cool town/small city like Burlington VT.

I understand you love your job, but have you looked at how far 160k will go in Vermont?

As a PP said (I paraphrase): DC absolutely sucks for people who aren’t originally from the area. You can deal with it for awhile because it does have a few perks, but eventually it is kind of a soul crushing place to live (and raise your kids) when you know from experience that a different lifestyle is out there…

160k doesn’t go far anywhere anymore - maybe like undesirable Kansas. Burlington may have less expensive real estate but you won’t be living large. There is no way I’d give up a 200k non transferable salary to maybe please my husband.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your husband because I would not be happy in DC which is one reason I left, but it is a terrible idea to give up a high paying job when your marriage is on the rocks. Period.