BIL/kids visiting for Thanksgiving; grandparents don’t want to bow out to a hotel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should squeeze everyone in together. My favorite memories of my childhood were the holidays when all my cousins and aunt and uncle and grandparents all stayed in the same house.

We did this often with my dad's side of the family and never with my mom's. Consequently, I'm significantly closer to my dad's side of the family. There is a level of bonding that happens when people sleep under the same roof that just can't be otherwise replicated.

This is my in-laws philosophy, except consequently we rarely visit because it ends up being miserable and we are guilted whenever we try to stay in a hotel or confirm that bedrooms are actually available for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should squeeze everyone in together. My favorite memories of my childhood were the holidays when all my cousins and aunt and uncle and grandparents all stayed in the same house.

We did this often with my dad's side of the family and never with my mom's. Consequently, I'm significantly closer to my dad's side of the family. There is a level of bonding that happens when people sleep under the same roof that just can't be otherwise replicated.

This is my in-laws philosophy, except consequently we rarely visit because it ends up being miserable and we are guilted whenever we try to stay in a hotel or confirm that bedrooms are actually available for us.

Same. You Must All Conform to Family Cramming is a horrible philosophy. We see my family way more because if there’s not enough room, no one throws a fit about hotels.

[Anonymous]

Can you and DH stay in a hotel and give the grandparents your master bedroom? That way you get a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should squeeze everyone in together. My favorite memories of my childhood were the holidays when all my cousins and aunt and uncle and grandparents all stayed in the same house.

We did this often with my dad's side of the family and never with my mom's. Consequently, I'm significantly closer to my dad's side of the family. There is a level of bonding that happens when people sleep under the same roof that just can't be otherwise replicated.

Don't you think OP considered that first and realized it wasn't a good idea based on their space constraints? Some people don't want to just "squeeze in", that's not how I was raised and I would feel uncomfortable.

Don’t host people if your house is not spacious enough to accommodate them to your satisfaction. It is rude to invite grandparents and then change the plans and send them to a hotel because you invited more people than you have space for. Also rude to prioritize a cousins and yet to be met fiancé over grandparents enjoying the rare chance to see all their grandkids together.

If I were the fiancé, I would find this situation very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should squeeze everyone in together. My favorite memories of my childhood were the holidays when all my cousins and aunt and uncle and grandparents all stayed in the same house.

We did this often with my dad's side of the family and never with my mom's. Consequently, I'm significantly closer to my dad's side of the family. There is a level of bonding that happens when people sleep under the same roof that just can't be otherwise replicated.

Don't you think OP considered that first and realized it wasn't a good idea based on their space constraints? Some people don't want to just "squeeze in", that's not how I was raised and I would feel uncomfortable.

Don’t host people if your house is not spacious enough to accommodate them to your satisfaction. It is rude to invite grandparents and then change the plans and send them to a hotel because you invited more people than you have space for. Also rude to prioritize a cousins and yet to be met fiancé over grandparents enjoying the rare chance to see all their grandkids together.

If I were the fiancé, I would find this situation very uncomfortable.

Oh, so when BIL called and said hey, can I join you guys for Thanksgiving, OP and DH should have said “No, spend it by yourselves. We don’t want you out here, you don’t fit.” Happy holidays, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

If the hotel is 5 minutes away, the cousin and fiancé can stay late at your house playing board games…I don’t see how it really reduces visit time. You’re being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe the disdain that so many of you have for your families. My family would definitely figure out a way to make it work so that we all sleep under one roof (especially for the kids - slumber parties are the best with cousins!). When I've had a full house I've always given the master bedroom to the parents/parents in law and there have been times that DH and I have slept on the couch or an air mattress in our basement. It's a few days, it's not a life sentence. People need to ease up. It definitely seems like OP just doesn't like her in-laws being around and wants to kick them out to the hotel. In-laws understandably want to be under the same roof with grandkids. When we all have get togethers the grandkids/grandparents are the first ones up and it's such fun time for them to hang out before the parents get up (and gives parents a break!). Unless OP is in a 2 bedroom/1bath house there is no way they can't figure this out for a couple days.

OP - come back and share how many bedrooms/bathrooms you have and what types of common space and I bet we can figure out an arrangement that works.

A lot of people do not find this fun or
Comfortable. I love my family and spend time and money going to visit them- I also have back problems and could not sleep on a couch. What you suggest is exhausting or painful for many. Or simply not enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

I think kindness should be shown to BIL going through divorce. Also think it makes sense for grandparents to stay in hotel.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave my kids with BIL and the grandparents and go to the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave my kids with BIL and the grandparents and go to the hotel.

That's what I said!! I would do it in a heartbeat!!

[Anonymous]

Op, why not share how many bedrooms? Do you have a basement? Office? Family room?

If not enough beds, I would offer the cousin the couch or hotel option. If I were that fiancé, I would want the hotel room.

Assuming you have at least 3 bedrooms, you take your kids into your master bedroom, give your in laws a room and BIL a room with his kids. If you have a basement, you can put BIL down there with his kids.

Cousin seems odd man out. He should go to a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ooh, this is tough. You are doing all the right things but DCUM is going to come for you telling you to respect your elders or some nonsense. I would want to host in my house as per plan. It really blows my mind when parents can't let their (adult) kids do things without them.

Could you see if cousin/fiancee would be willing to stay in the hotel? If they are young, they might like a few free nights in a hotel (assuming you're willing to pay for the hotel regardless of who stays there).

You’re right, we’ve thought about asking cousin/fiancée to stay in a hotel, and we’d offer to pay. The thing is, BIL and kids haven’t seen cousin in years, and have never met fiancée. DH was hoping for sibling and cousin time after the kids go to bed, playing Settlers of Catan and talking and getting to know fiancée better. ILs go to bed early and wake up super early, so having cousin/fiancee stay with us would be a rare opportunity for fun and reconnection. I guess we could go that route, but that would be a missed opportunity for BIL to see a cousin he very rarely gets to see. BIL sees his parents more frequently.

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess that would be preferable to changing location, since that would mean a way longer drive for cousin/fiancee (our house is in the Baltimore area, and ILs house is in northern PA; cousin is traveling from a little south of Richmond.)

If the hotel is 5 minutes away, the cousin and fiancé can stay late at your house playing board games…I don’t see how it really reduces visit time. You’re being dramatic.

OP literally has made the decision to offer to get the cousin and the fiancee a hotel room. The decision has been made, and like 8 pages later, you’re being nasty to her for no reason. Now who is being “dramatic”?

[Anonymous]

OP, please update us when you decide!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please update us when you decide!

She did.
Page 2.
08:26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your dh needs to be blunt with his parents. They fear missing out on the fun the rest of you are having, but you’re going to be staying up late, making noise playing games, and the kids will be extra rambunctious because all the cousins are together. No one else is going to get up early or want to hear others stirring hours before they want to get up. Your dh should stress that he would really enjoy the rare opportunity for adult cousin time. How often do we get that dynamic as adults? If his parents continue to resist, book the hotel room for the cousin, but dh should let his parents know that he’s disappointed. Their FOMO is preventing them from thinking clearly.

This but the decision is yours and DH not the boomers. I would stress that MIL FIL go to bed early and get up early so that is why you are giving them the hotel room. Be clear that there will be no squishing everyone in. My guess is that in laws are morning pounders. How fun for a morning pouncer to have someone sleeping on a couch in the main living area ripe for an early morning wake up and pounce!

I also agree that the cousin and fiancé would love to stay in a hotel but it might be a problem financially. They may not accept you paying ( I know I wouldn’t) but then not have the budget to really do it. If you do go the cousin route tell them you are using points for the room. Do not tell MIL/FIL this as many boomers get giddy over points thinking their adult children’s points are theirs to use and distribute.

You must be the OP of the thread on "morning pouncers". Really weird.