MIL will only help at her own home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because she is single and retired doesn’t mean she has no real commitments. She offered a solution.

What kind of help does your DH need while you are away?

+1
I don't get why OP is making this so personal. MIL said she can't come out for a week because she has other commitments. She offered a solution. OP doesn't like it. Fine. Figure out something else. I don't understand why her husband can't take care of their kid for a week, but if he can't, fund another solution.

Maybe MIL thinks her son should step up and parent his child.

Maybe MIL should step up and pay her own airfare to visit her son and his family.

+1to both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a husband who can take care of his own kid for Chrissake

+1

I just left my DH alone with 3 kids age 7 and under while I went on a girls’ trip for 4 nights. I do not understand people who need to fly somebody in to help watch their own kids. Hire a sitter for a few hours if he needs a break or extra set of hands.

Is your DH a senior partner? Doctor? Own his own company? These are all jobs where he may not be able to cut his hours to watch his kids and he should not be faulted for it.

Wow, what important, high-powered jobs! Those types of DHs must be so smart, competent and rich, huh? Like maybe they could secure and pay for child care, hmm?

A week of childcare is cheaper than a cross-country flight for an underage minor. This isn’t about money.

It’s also not that easy to “find a teenager” to take your kids after school. Teens are busy. I get why this was OP’s first option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

We never had family in the US while raising two kids, so we had to find other childcare solutions. Sounds like you need to do the same thing.

What would you do if MIL wasn't alive or was disabled?

PP (who is not the OP) was pretty clear in the parenthetical that she wasn't saying that MIL is the only option, or even an option they would expect. She was saying that the mere fact of needing additional help when one parent is away does not make the other parent incompetent.

It does if they can't figure out how to find a baby sitter or use drop in care. If he's so smart and high powered what's the problem?

You are arguing with the wrong person/people. Let me break it down for you:

1. Somebody posted to the OP "Why is your husband incompetent?" along with several others who suggested DH is inept if he can't "manage the kids on his own"
2. The PP responded that it is unfair to call the DH incompetent simply because he needs help when one parent goes away. The PP also said that they need help when one parent travels, but they wouldn't expect it to me a cross-country MIL. (Presumably this means they DO find babysitter or drop-in care)

You agree with the PP, but you think you disagree.

Spare me the breakdown. We all get it. The point is the DH is incompetent, trying to clarify what the PP is saying doesn't make that less true. Nobody would give mom a break if dad was going out of town for a week to figure out the logistics. But, again, dad are seen as heroes for doing the bare minimum badly. Like not figuring out back up childcare.

Who did you marry who cannot handle your kids? Mine would all be fine for a week or longer with dad.

I’m not OP, maybe ask her? Thats why i said dads and not my DH. The reception a working mom gets if she can’t figure out how to get from A to B is very different than a dad, unfortunately. I have never had to create a post to figure out childcare for my household, so this isn’t my problem. OP and her husband two need a solution that doesn’t include MIL if a week’s worth of travel happens a few times a year, but OP just wants to complain about her MIL this isn’t really a serious problem she’s trying to resolve since she hasn’t bothered to come back.

Sincere question- I think you have said that this happens a few times a year a couple times. Where are you getting that? As far as I can tell, OP posted only once and didn't say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a husband who can take care of his own kid for Chrissake

+1

I just left my DH alone with 3 kids age 7 and under while I went on a girls’ trip for 4 nights. I do not understand people who need to fly somebody in to help watch their own kids. Hire a sitter for a few hours if he needs a break or extra set of hands.

Is your DH a senior partner? Doctor? Own his own company? These are all jobs where he may not be able to cut his hours to watch his kids and he should not be faulted for it.

Stop with this.

A senior partner or a doctor or most CERTAINLY a business owner has more control over their own hours than the vast majority of people in this country.
And the point wasn't that they can cut back at work, but that they have a lot more options, because of the income from these jobs, to make it work OTHER THAN flying MIL in from across the country.

Life is about choices, and your "high-powered" job doesn't make those choices more difficult. In fact, the opposite.

That’s news to me. I’m a doctor, and my vacation, planned a year ago, was just canceled because we are understaffed. I also have to give 90 days notice before I quit, and I had to sign a (pretty standard) non-compete that means I more or less have to move if I quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

That is not OP. Why do you think OP travels a few times a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a husband who can take care of his own kid for Chrissake

+1

I just left my DH alone with 3 kids age 7 and under while I went on a girls’ trip for 4 nights. I do not understand people who need to fly somebody in to help watch their own kids. Hire a sitter for a few hours if he needs a break or extra set of hands.

Is your DH a senior partner? Doctor? Own his own company? These are all jobs where he may not be able to cut his hours to watch his kids and he should not be faulted for it.

Stop with this.

A senior partner or a doctor or most CERTAINLY a business owner has more control over their own hours than the vast majority of people in this country.
And the point wasn't that they can cut back at work, but that they have a lot more options, because of the income from these jobs, to make it work OTHER THAN flying MIL in from across the country.

Life is about choices, and your "high-powered" job doesn't make those choices more difficult. In fact, the opposite.

That’s news to me. I’m a doctor, and my vacation, planned a year ago, was just canceled because we are understaffed. I also have to give 90 days notice before I quit, and I had to sign a (pretty standard) non-compete that means I more or less have to move if I quit.

OK? Everything I said is still true, notwithstanding your story. People in all sorts of professions "have to" cancel vacations, and some don't even get vacation leave to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid is old enough to potentially travel unaccompanied and you are talking about 2-3 days of extra aftercare/tricky pickups.... then kid isn't actually available to go to the opposite coast for a week, right? Because they are in school?

.

I had this same thought. Doesn’t your child have obligations that week? Are they really free to fly cross-country?

And doesn’t your MIL realize how much harder it’s going to be to care for a child where they don’t have school or friends or anything else to do? What is your child supposed to do while your MIL attends to her obligations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

That is not OP. Why do you think OP travels a few times a year?

How do you know it's not OP? Why are you so invested in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

I don’t know where you live or what age your children are - but “sign up for a few weeks”is not a thing a lot of places. If the child is not school age, they are in preschool and extended hours are hard to come by. Most preschools have long wait lists or specific registration times - like January applications for the following year. Public school extended day care in Arlington is done through the school and the applications for the following school year was the prior spring, with priority given to siblings and returning families. Many schools have waitlists for people who want spots. My friend got divorced mid-school year and asked if she could be given priority on the waitlist and they said “no, too bad, maybe next year you will get a spot.” After school programs that pick kids up at school are also not “on a whim for a few weeks” type thing.

I would absolutely sign up for aftercare for just a couple of weeks of pickup issues. Especially if you don't have a go-to alternative that lives local (baby sitter, nanny or friend whose willing to help out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a husband who can take care of his own kid for Chrissake

+1

I just left my DH alone with 3 kids age 7 and under while I went on a girls’ trip for 4 nights. I do not understand people who need to fly somebody in to help watch their own kids. Hire a sitter for a few hours if he needs a break or extra set of hands.

Is your DH a senior partner? Doctor? Own his own company? These are all jobs where he may not be able to cut his hours to watch his kids and he should not be faulted for it.

Stop with this.

A senior partner or a doctor or most CERTAINLY a business owner has more control over their own hours than the vast majority of people in this country.
And the point wasn't that they can cut back at work, but that they have a lot more options, because of the income from these jobs, to make it work OTHER THAN flying MIL in from across the country.

Life is about choices, and your "high-powered" job doesn't make those choices more difficult. In fact, the opposite.

That’s news to me. I’m a doctor, and my vacation, planned a year ago, was just canceled because we are understaffed. I also have to give 90 days notice before I quit, and I had to sign a (pretty standard) non-compete that means I more or less have to move if I quit.

OK? Everything I said is still true, notwithstanding your story. People in all sorts of professions "have to" cancel vacations, and some don't even get vacation leave to begin with.

Well, so if you are aware that there are lots of people who cannot reliably take vacation days and work long hours, then why is it surprising that OP’s husband can’t take care of his child solo for a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

That is not OP. Why do you think OP travels a few times a year?

How do you know it's not OP? Why are you so invested in this?

Because the person you quoted said they don't expect parents to come from hours way. It is a different PP making the point that needing additional care does not make one incompetent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have a husband who can take care of his own kid for Chrissake

+1

I just left my DH alone with 3 kids age 7 and under while I went on a girls’ trip for 4 nights. I do not understand people who need to fly somebody in to help watch their own kids. Hire a sitter for a few hours if he needs a break or extra set of hands.

Is your DH a senior partner? Doctor? Own his own company? These are all jobs where he may not be able to cut his hours to watch his kids and he should not be faulted for it.

Stop with this.

A senior partner or a doctor or most CERTAINLY a business owner has more control over their own hours than the vast majority of people in this country.
And the point wasn't that they can cut back at work, but that they have a lot more options, because of the income from these jobs, to make it work OTHER THAN flying MIL in from across the country.

Life is about choices, and your "high-powered" job doesn't make those choices more difficult. In fact, the opposite.

That’s news to me. I’m a doctor, and my vacation, planned a year ago, was just canceled because we are understaffed. I also have to give 90 days notice before I quit, and I had to sign a (pretty standard) non-compete that means I more or less have to move if I quit.

OK? Everything I said is still true, notwithstanding your story. People in all sorts of professions "have to" cancel vacations, and some don't even get vacation leave to begin with.

Well, so if you are aware that there are lots of people who cannot reliably take vacation days and work long hours, then why is it surprising that OP’s husband can’t take care of his child solo for a week?

It isn't surprising to me at all. But it isn't more difficult for people in the listed professions than people in other professions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

That is not OP. Why do you think OP travels a few times a year?

How do you know it's not OP? Why are you so invested in this?

Because the person you quoted said they don't expect parents to come from hours way. It is a different PP making the point that needing additional care does not make one incompetent.

The PP said they didn't expect their parents nothing is said about in-laws, so doesn't rule out OP. If OP hasn't come back a single time to this thread who gives a crap if anyone says she or her husband are incompetent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?

This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)

OP travels a few times a year. MIL doesn't hop to it ever so why would she this time?

That is not OP. Why do you think OP travels a few times a year?

How do you know it's not OP? Why are you so invested in this?

Because the person you quoted said they don't expect parents to come from hours way. It is a different PP making the point that needing additional care does not make one incompetent.

The PP said they didn't expect their parents nothing is said about in-laws, so doesn't rule out OP. If OP hasn't come back a single time to this thread who gives a crap if anyone says she or her husband are incompetent?

You think it is likely or even plausible that OP would ask her MIL who lives across country to fly to them, then come here to complain that she won't, but would never consider asking her own parents? And that if she were to make a second post, she would only address this one issue of DH's competence and not any of the others? Not mention her MIL at all?

True, this being OP is not "ruled out." But it also does not seem it is reasonable to conclude that this one post out of several pages is her.