Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Why would you want to stay with this man? Don't you have any self esteem? I wouldn't say such cruel things about my worst enemy.

GIVE IT A REST. Trying to preserve your family does not mean you have no self esteem. What OP’s husband did reflects on HIM not her. She can take all the time and space to decide what comes next. It takes away women’s power when strangers decide what the right action is.

But frankly if OP isn’t a troll it kind of makes you wonder what kind of character SHE has that she’s willing to continue entertaining and sleeping with a man of such low morals and standards. Yes, his actions reflect on him, but at some point you’re only as good as the company you keep.

Not a troll. I’m pretty confident of my character. I love my husband, we are trying to make it work, that should be reason enough, it is to me. Doesn’t mean intimacy has been easy at this juncture, but it certainly not done to “win him back” or any other degrading motives.

How can you love someone who treats you like s*? How would you feel if this would happen to your daughter?

Why do you bang a man that would say that is married, much less one that says bad things about his wife? Says a lot more about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Why would you want to stay with this man? Don't you have any self esteem? I wouldn't say such cruel things about my worst enemy.

GIVE IT A REST. Trying to preserve your family does not mean you have no self esteem. What OP’s husband did reflects on HIM not her. She can take all the time and space to decide what comes next. It takes away women’s power when strangers decide what the right action is.

But frankly if OP isn’t a troll it kind of makes you wonder what kind of character SHE has that she’s willing to continue entertaining and sleeping with a man of such low morals and standards. Yes, his actions reflect on him, but at some point you’re only as good as the company you keep.

Not a troll. I’m pretty confident of my character. I love my husband, we are trying to make it work, that should be reason enough, it is to me. Doesn’t mean intimacy has been easy at this juncture, but it certainly not done to “win him back” or any other degrading motives.

OP you sound super in denial. Your husband is not a good man and you know this somewhere deep down. If you chose to continue loving a bad man and one who has been so cruel to you, snickering about you with his AP about how ugly you are and how much he dislikes you, then you are signing yourself up for many more years of desperate and heartbroken posts. These things never turn out well, and your love for him isn’t enough to carry the day. Perhaps your feels for him are more important than the way he treats others, including you. That’s your choice to make and your choice alone.

Seriously this sounds like a current OW hoping you kick him out because sees rooting for the AP ending up with the h,

The post is that out of bounds of normal thinking.

To be fair, you sound like the husband hoping you can have your cake and eat it too.

So I’m right youre an OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Why would you want to stay with this man? Don't you have any self esteem? I wouldn't say such cruel things about my worst enemy.

GIVE IT A REST. Trying to preserve your family does not mean you have no self esteem. What OP’s husband did reflects on HIM not her. She can take all the time and space to decide what comes next. It takes away women’s power when strangers decide what the right action is.

I truly believe that people like you and OP get treated this way because the men know you are doormats and would stay no matter what. He has all the power, she has none.

Exactly men stay faithful for 20 years make enough money so the wife can leave and be financially independent and wake up one day and think wait my wife is a doormat, maybe I’ll cheat. /s

Lol. Yea that’s exactly how it works.

[Anonymous]

It’s only been 6 weeks. That is not a lot of time. OP still has a lot of processing to do.
I’m sorry this happened to you, OP.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks me too!

[Anonymous]

I have not been in op’s shoes but if I we’re I would imagine that 6 weeks out I’d be struggling intensely with the affair but also not be able or ready to contemplate the enormity of ending a marriage. I think I’d only know how I would feel and what is right after months or a year. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a fast track to “getting over” something like this. I’d probably give myself grace to change my mind many times over and not really be okay for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not been in op’s shoes but if I we’re I would imagine that 6 weeks out I’d be struggling intensely with the affair but also not be able or ready to contemplate the enormity of ending a marriage. I think I’d only know how I would feel and what is right after months or a year. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a fast track to “getting over” something like this. I’d probably give myself grace to change my mind many times over and not really be okay for a while.

Yes, I think that is probably very accurate.

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you that most cheaters do NOT regret their behaviour, are NOT devestated that they hurt you, and don't really give a sh!t about your feelings. But they don't want to divorce and lose the kids and the house and the shared income/retirement as well as the comfortable feeling that somebody has their back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you that most cheaters do NOT regret their behaviour, are NOT devestated that they hurt you, and don't really give a sh!t about your feelings. But they don't want to divorce and lose the kids and the house and the shared income/retirement as well as the comfortable feeling that somebody has their back.

So.

Some do. Some regret it, just like alcoholics. They want to change.

[Anonymous]

If it helps, it sounds like your husband was just giving this woman boiler plate “I hate my wife” nonsense.. which doesn’t make it any less painful for you, most women who screw around with married men don’t want to hear “my wife is the best” and most don’t want to hear that he was happy with you.
I’ll also say that I’d not stay married to someone who traveled for work on the regular. It’s an awful way to live, the traveling spouse eventually forgets how to be a spouse and parent. They have food cooked and brought to them. They aren’t woken up at night by kids or a dog or a house or the neighbors. One of our kids spiked a low grade fever last night and my husband and I took great comfort that we were home together, kid may need to see a doctor, but at least we shared the experience together v. the one at home texting the other and getting an “I’m sorry babe” which if you think about it, is very much like how affairs are conducted, lots of texts and mushy stuff, some physical activity but no doing life together, in other words, his traveling showed him how to have an affair.

The traveling spouse can listen to whatever they want without regard to if it is suitable for kids or read uninterrupted while they are flying or on a train, meaning they truly don’t “get” why you can’t “find the time”. Um, because it isn’t given to me like it is for you. They loose all awareness of what’s going on at home, they never have to argue with a teenager, explain to a younger kid how a travel mug works, yes if you keep it in the fridge long enough, it will eventually cool down (had to do both this morning), and they also miss the tender and fun moments too. Then when they are home, they don’t want to do anything because they need to rest from traveling, they’ve eaten out all week, never mind that you haven’t, or they need to get ready to leave again. Totally miserable lifestyle, at least for the parent at home.
I do want to point out though that your husband may have had some concerns about the marriage well before the affair, he’s not wrong even if you disagree with him. You do seem dismissive and if you do want to stay with him, you at least need to listen “Hey, our ill kid is more capable then you may think” “I wanted desperately for a date night with you but you were too busy taking the kid to therapy and I never saw the benefit for therapy” are all valid even if you don’t want to hear them or disagree with him.
Going forward, I’d restructure you’re whole marriage. No more travel, he finds another job. You do most activities together, partly because some men get it into their head that whoever they hang out has the best life, no nagging spouse, no cranky kids, which means you’re the problem. You want to stop that and you also want to share experiences together as a couple and a family, and they can be done at the same time.

You also need to stop putting up with bad behavior. Your husband isn’t a fussy baby that needs to be rocked and soothed, he’s an adult, responsible for his actions. If work is so stressful, he needs another job, or he needs to appreciate what he does have. I’ll say it again, this is when I suggest church or history or whatever it is that makes you glad you are alive in the 21st century. Stop allowing to snap, sulk, whatever nasty behavior he’s doing. Don’t allow him to speak to you poorly, call him out on it each and every time he does it. He shouldn’t be that stressed by anything to be mean to his family.

You also don’t have to stay with him. Depending on where you live, and I’d look into it, his affair may work out well for you from a finance perspective. You also need to find out why he started the affair, ask him why he didn’t come to you to talk about whatever he talked about with the affair partner. Did he try and you just blew him off because “That’s so boring”. I’m not saying you did, but a lot of us get into the space where we think whatever interest we don’t share with our partner isn’t worth sharing at all, almost like they are children who will outgrow an interest.

I’m not your husband’s fan, and you don’t have to stay, but if you want to, or at least try, you’ve got a lot that can be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it helps, it sounds like your husband was just giving this woman boiler plate “I hate my wife” nonsense.. which doesn’t make it any less painful for you, most women who screw around with married men don’t want to hear “my wife is the best” and most don’t want to hear that he was happy with you.
I’ll also say that I’d not stay married to someone who traveled for work on the regular. It’s an awful way to live, the traveling spouse eventually forgets how to be a spouse and parent. They have food cooked and brought to them. They aren’t woken up at night by kids or a dog or a house or the neighbors. One of our kids spiked a low grade fever last night and my husband and I took great comfort that we were home together, kid may need to see a doctor, but at least we shared the experience together v. the one at home texting the other and getting an “I’m sorry babe” which if you think about it, is very much like how affairs are conducted, lots of texts and mushy stuff, some physical activity but no doing life together, in other words, his traveling showed him how to have an affair.

The traveling spouse can listen to whatever they want without regard to if it is suitable for kids or read uninterrupted while they are flying or on a train, meaning they truly don’t “get” why you can’t “find the time”. Um, because it isn’t given to me like it is for you. They loose all awareness of what’s going on at home, they never have to argue with a teenager, explain to a younger kid how a travel mug works, yes if you keep it in the fridge long enough, it will eventually cool down (had to do both this morning), and they also miss the tender and fun moments too. Then when they are home, they don’t want to do anything because they need to rest from traveling, they’ve eaten out all week, never mind that you haven’t, or they need to get ready to leave again. Totally miserable lifestyle, at least for the parent at home.
I do want to point out though that your husband may have had some concerns about the marriage well before the affair, he’s not wrong even if you disagree with him. You do seem dismissive and if you do want to stay with him, you at least need to listen “Hey, our ill kid is more capable then you may think” “I wanted desperately for a date night with you but you were too busy taking the kid to therapy and I never saw the benefit for therapy” are all valid even if you don’t want to hear them or disagree with him.
Going forward, I’d restructure you’re whole marriage. No more travel, he finds another job. You do most activities together, partly because some men get it into their head that whoever they hang out has the best life, no nagging spouse, no cranky kids, which means you’re the problem. You want to stop that and you also want to share experiences together as a couple and a family, and they can be done at the same time.

You also need to stop putting up with bad behavior. Your husband isn’t a fussy baby that needs to be rocked and soothed, he’s an adult, responsible for his actions. If work is so stressful, he needs another job, or he needs to appreciate what he does have. I’ll say it again, this is when I suggest church or history or whatever it is that makes you glad you are alive in the 21st century. Stop allowing to snap, sulk, whatever nasty behavior he’s doing. Don’t allow him to speak to you poorly, call him out on it each and every time he does it. He shouldn’t be that stressed by anything to be mean to his family.

You also don’t have to stay with him. Depending on where you live, and I’d look into it, his affair may work out well for you from a finance perspective. You also need to find out why he started the affair, ask him why he didn’t come to you to talk about whatever he talked about with the affair partner. Did he try and you just blew him off because “That’s so boring”. I’m not saying you did, but a lot of us get into the space where we think whatever interest we don’t share with our partner isn’t worth sharing at all, almost like they are children who will outgrow an interest.

I’m not your husband’s fan, and you don’t have to stay, but if you want to, or at least try, you’ve got a lot that can be fixed.
[/quote

Good advice
Yes extensive work travel since the beginning has definitely been an issue— separate lives, etc

[Anonymous]

I believe I have always been there for my husband emotionally, but I cannot say I feel the same about him (at all)

I’m not perfect but in terms of emotional support, being a good listener, etc I feel good about my behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

Not sad. These are damaged selfish ppl who shouldn't be having kids anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

he absolutely is devastated by his behavior

I highly doubt this. He is devastated that he got caught. He lived his affair days in bliss.

Rihanna's Take a Bow song captures this perfectly. "Don't tell me you're sorry when you're not. When I know you're only sorry you got caught."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

Why would you want to stay with this man? Don't you have any self esteem? I wouldn't say such cruel things about my worst enemy.

GIVE IT A REST. Trying to preserve your family does not mean you have no self esteem. What OP’s husband did reflects on HIM not her. She can take all the time and space to decide what comes next. It takes away women’s power when strangers decide what the right action is.

I truly believe that people like you and OP get treated this way because the men know you are doormats and would stay no matter what. He has all the power, she has none.

+1 she's a doormat who has already let him off the hook

He got away with it and knows he can again, when he decides to go that route