Trying to get over husband’s affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

But a 36-year old woman who wants to be a single mother by choice and also get 18 years of child support and probably uncontested full custody will prey on married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

But a 36-year old woman who wants to be a single mother by choice and also get 18 years of child support and probably uncontested full custody will prey on married men.

That’s why every cheating man needs to get clipped. With row v wade overturned its even more important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In therapy. We are trying to stay together, forgive, understand how our marriage got to the point this was possible, and all the other things you’re supposed to do.

I believe my husband loves me and he absolutely is devastated by his behavior, as well. A few things though:

He says he never was going to leave or wanted to leave me (married 21 years, 2 kids) yet he told her that he was never happy, never wanted to marry me, was planning on a divorce (I have texts from him saying this to her)

I can’t get images of them together out of my head. Dates, sex, travel. It was a 6 month physical and probably a few months before that emotional affair

So much lying and deceit

During the affair he was awful to me, very distant and critical he was going through serious work stress so I attributed it to that abd was super supportive which now manes me feel pathetic

He cites concerns in the marriage I don’t really see and makes me feel like we were living in two different marriages

He’s egotistical and selfish and this has made me hyper focus on those negative traits

I can’t have an orgasm during sex now it’s awful , images of them together prevent my enjoyment

He said awful things about me to her that I can’t un-know

He abandoned our family and put it at risk at a time our kids really needed both parents due to their own struggles (late teens)

I feel so angry and sad and wonder when I’ll ever be ok. I have terrible dreams and feel like I’m walking in quick sand most days. Little joy

He is extremely remorseful, seems to value me more than ever but it’s hard to not think this is just temporary

He has shared, at my insistence, that he’s had other flirty encounters, especially when traveling that did not culminate in sex but may have included getting drinks or dinner or texting for a bit this one breaks my heart as it feels like a pattern and I’m not sure he can just stop it ?

The kids know and that’s been awful all around and impacting our ability to heal, as well

Advice welcome

He's absolutely devastated by his behavior AND egotistical and selfish??

Those two sentences do not align.

If he's egotistical and selfish, I assure you he's definitely not devastated by his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

But a 36-year old woman who wants to be a single mother by choice and also get 18 years of child support and probably uncontested full custody will prey on married men.

That’s why every cheating man needs to get clipped. With row v wade overturned its even more important

Roe v. Wade is irrelevant if it’s an intentional pregnancy. This is why women married to cheating men need to seriously consider the risk to their children’s financial future by staying with these men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In therapy. We are trying to stay together, forgive, understand how our marriage got to the point this was possible, and all the other things you’re supposed to do.

I believe my husband loves me and he absolutely is devastated by his behavior, as well. A few things though:

He says he never was going to leave or wanted to leave me (married 21 years, 2 kids) yet he told her that he was never happy, never wanted to marry me, was planning on a divorce (I have texts from him saying this to her)

I can’t get images of them together out of my head. Dates, sex, travel. It was a 6 month physical and probably a few months before that emotional affair

So much lying and deceit

During the affair he was awful to me, very distant and critical he was going through serious work stress so I attributed it to that abd was super supportive which now manes me feel pathetic

He cites concerns in the marriage I don’t really see and makes me feel like we were living in two different marriages

He’s egotistical and selfish and this has made me hyper focus on those negative traits

I can’t have an orgasm during sex now it’s awful , images of them together prevent my enjoyment

He said awful things about me to her that I can’t un-know

He abandoned our family and put it at risk at a time our kids really needed both parents due to their own struggles (late teens)

I feel so angry and sad and wonder when I’ll ever be ok. I have terrible dreams and feel like I’m walking in quick sand most days. Little joy

He is extremely remorseful, seems to value me more than ever but it’s hard to not think this is just temporary

He has shared, at my insistence, that he’s had other flirty encounters, especially when traveling that did not culminate in sex but may have included getting drinks or dinner or texting for a bit this one breaks my heart as it feels like a pattern and I’m not sure he can just stop it ?

The kids know and that’s been awful all around and impacting our ability to heal, as well

Advice welcome

Has the OP said how the kids found out about the affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

It 100% doesn’t mean that. It just means the OW needed to hear these things to sleep with him

She’s a victim here too, she was fed a bunch of lies. She obviously is responsible for her own actions and believing lies was one.

She just told OP all that hoping she’d kick him out and he’d land on her doorstep.

She miscalculated.

Sending OP proof of what he said in the form of screenshots doesn't mean she did so to be calculating... OP could've asked for those screenshots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

I’m saying this out of tough love but she stays because she does not respect herself. No woman who respects herself or who does not delude herself would stay with a man who screwed some other woman, called his wife ugly, and acted like a complete jerk. It just doesn’t happen with women who respect themselves. Full stop.

OP, to answer you question I thread, yes you are letting him off the hook. And you’ve posted here a few weeks ago about the 36 year old AP. Folks on this site watch these threads like hawks so this didn’t escape us. I’m truly not trying to be a jerk. But you need to get your head on straight. Your kids will be fine, promise. But you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. This was never out of character for him. This IS his character, you’re just choosing not to see it as such or for whatever reason don’t have the tools and insight to see it.

It is so easy for you to say “kids will be fine, promise.” I know OP’s kids are older but you don’t know her or her kids to make that kind of statement.

Well, to play devil’s advocate, perhaps you’re right. But I’d rather an overly sensitive 21 year old young adult experience some familial shake up than to stay with a man who called me ugly and unlovable to his side chick. Goes to my point earlier on having self respect.

Don't forget fat... he called her that too.

The more I hear about this, the more grossed out I am with all of the intricate details he used as excuses, when he didn't even have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

If your best friend or daughter came to you and shared this, what would your advice to them be? What would your pep talk to them be? Believe you are worth more than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In therapy. We are trying to stay together, forgive, understand how our marriage got to the point this was possible, and all the other things you’re supposed to do.

I believe my husband loves me and he absolutely is devastated by his behavior, as well. A few things though:

He says he never was going to leave or wanted to leave me (married 21 years, 2 kids) yet he told her that he was never happy, never wanted to marry me, was planning on a divorce (I have texts from him saying this to her)

I can’t get images of them together out of my head. Dates, sex, travel. It was a 6 month physical and probably a few months before that emotional affair

So much lying and deceit

During the affair he was awful to me, very distant and critical he was going through serious work stress so I attributed it to that abd was super supportive which now manes me feel pathetic

He cites concerns in the marriage I don’t really see and makes me feel like we were living in two different marriages

He’s egotistical and selfish and this has made me hyper focus on those negative traits

I can’t have an orgasm during sex now it’s awful , images of them together prevent my enjoyment

He said awful things about me to her that I can’t un-know

He abandoned our family and put it at risk at a time our kids really needed both parents due to their own struggles (late teens)

I feel so angry and sad and wonder when I’ll ever be ok. I have terrible dreams and feel like I’m walking in quick sand most days. Little joy

He is extremely remorseful, seems to value me more than ever but it’s hard to not think this is just temporary

He has shared, at my insistence, that he’s had other flirty encounters, especially when traveling that did not culminate in sex but may have included getting drinks or dinner or texting for a bit this one breaks my heart as it feels like a pattern and I’m not sure he can just stop it ?

The kids know and that’s been awful all around and impacting our ability to heal, as well

Advice welcome

Has the OP said how the kids found out about the affair?

I saw it asked, but I don't think I saw it mentioned or answered by OP.

OP, how exactly did your kids find out about the affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

If your best friend or daughter came to you and shared this, what would your advice to them be? What would your pep talk to them be? Believe you are worth more than this.

My best friend would say her AP said the same things about his wife. Literally. Yet he kicked her to the curb the minute they were discovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

It 100% doesn’t mean that. It just means the OW needed to hear these things to sleep with him

She’s a victim here too, she was fed a bunch of lies. She obviously is responsible for her own actions and believing lies was one.

She just told OP all that hoping she’d kick him out and he’d land on her doorstep.

She miscalculated.

Sending OP proof of what he said in the form of screenshots doesn't mean she did so to be calculating... OP could've asked for those screenshots.

So. She still hoped she would kick him out and he’d land in her doorstep and she miscalculated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he wasn't sorry about any of this until he was caught. That's really all you need to know. He'd still be doing this if you had not caught him. This IS who he is.

BTDT after a 17 year marriage. I too was desperate to save it because of our kids, but looking back divorcing him was the best decision of my life. You deserve better. Your marriage will never be the same, and you will never fully trust him.

It’s a fair point. According to his therapist he was sorry he was doing this and was trying to understand why during the affair. But a huge concern when I ask him “how did you think this would play out, you knew aid eventually figure it out, didn’t you?” His response is - I wasn’t thinking, I thought I’d end it before . This response bothers me as it would mean whatever May have lead to the affair would likely still have been there leading to future affairs… the OW did tell me she asked him if he’d done this before at all and he told her no. I tend to believe that but who knows, as you point out it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I have known him 27 years, however abd this does seem out of character

Please stop making excuses for him and have some self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He was actually seeing a therapist to figure out how to tell you that he didn’t want to be with you, or about the affair?

Either way, this is all awful. How do you know about these things he said?

He told her (the OW) that he was seeing therapist to figure out how to tell me he was leaving. OW is a never married, no kids 36 year old woman. My husband is 55. She definitely was being told things so she would get over her reservations about being with a married man. I have talked to his therapist (he allowed) and she confirms he was in therapy to deal with what he was doing and why but not to figure out how to leave me

On the comments, most were screen shots she so kindly shared with me (the other woman) 😠

Women really have no problem wrecking a marriage. Why they all keep falling for married men making them fairytale promises? Women will even encourage other married men to leave their spouses and be with them instead incredible!

OP's husband is the one who had no problem wrecking his own marriage. His vows were his to protect, and he trashed them.

A 36-year old woman who wants kids and a husband of her own is a complete idiot looking for married men to play that role. They are wasting really critical years of their child-bearing/marketability. Very sad.

But a 36-year old woman who wants to be a single mother by choice and also get 18 years of child support and probably uncontested full custody will prey on married men.

That’s why every cheating man needs to get clipped. With row v wade overturned its even more important

Roe v. Wade is irrelevant if it’s an intentional pregnancy. This is why women married to cheating men need to seriously consider the risk to their children’s financial future by staying with these men.

Vasectomy if they stay like the person you quoted said. Then even if they leave they will have to go through a reversal which isn’t guaranteed to work. So no bastards born during the marriage and no step kids after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ it’s only been six weeks and you’re already having sex with him?

I don’t care if there’s some way you could magically know whether is intention was really to leave or stay. He said horrible, humiliating things about you to another woman that he was banging, all while being cruel to you at home. That is a place that I could never come back from. I could perhaps come back from the sex piece, but not cruel words about me to the woman he’s sleeping with on the side. Zero respect.

I know this sounds harsh. But you do NOT deserve what he’s done to you. I think affairs can be recovered from in some cases, but this is beyond the pale.

Yes, it’s actually the things he said versus the sex itself that’s been the hardest. They included:

He was repulsed by me
Not emotionally invested ever
Never wanted to marry me
Stayed as we have a child with a disease
She was “put in his path” so he could finally get the courage to leave
I was over-weight (I’m attractive but 53 and have had about ten stubborn extra pounds during menopause)
He was seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to tell me
He was in love with her - his words
He pursued her pretty aggressively I’d say she was hesitant due to him being married

He said all these things YET you also say in the first post, OP, that "he is remorseful"? Has he actually said in words that he is specifically remorseful for saying these things? And have you both, in therapy addressed each of these things on this list? He can feel and show remorse for saying them but that does not change or excuse his feelings behind them. Double down on couples therapy but you BOTH also need individual therapy.

You say you have older teens in another post, and you say here you have a child with a disease; is your child with the disease also an older teen? Is this a child who will be at home with you for life, or one who is going to leave home for college/job/etc. soon? Keep in your mind that if your children will leave soon, you have an opportunity for divorce (though I am NOT saying "stay for the kids" necessarily, just noting that leaving home for college/work is often a clear point at which some couples divorce with a bit less stress on kids involved-though it is never NO stress on kids.)

Yes he has shown a lot of remorse for those comments
Yes we are both in individual therapy I have been for years he basically started shortly before i found out about affair
Our child with disease is now in college and will live a normal life
Our other child is a senior in high school

I doubt he is remorseful. Those comments make it clear he full on hates you. Why are you still with him? Get your ducks in a row and make sure you save all the evidence of what he did and said so you can take his ass to the cleaners.

It 100% doesn’t mean that. It just means the OW needed to hear these things to sleep with him

She’s a victim here too, she was fed a bunch of lies. She obviously is responsible for her own actions and believing lies was one.

She just told OP all that hoping she’d kick him out and he’d land on her doorstep.

She miscalculated.

Sending OP proof of what he said in the form of screenshots doesn't mean she did so to be calculating... OP could've asked for those screenshots.

So. She still hoped she would kick him out and he’d land in her doorstep and she miscalculated.

Unless the OP said this somewhere, then you're projecting...

[Anonymous]

A few posters have told OP that she has the upper hand, stop having sex and so on. Be careful with that. This guy had one foot out the door at some point and wouldn't take much to make him walk. If OP wants to make this work, she should keep workin hard on the marriage as she has beeb doing.