21 year old son, overnights with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother tried to control my sex life, including who I was dating. I became independent as soon as I could and walked away. I married someone I loved who was an atheist with tattoos, piercings and a stable job and a heart of gold. 14 years in, we’re still happily married and she’s never met her grandkids. I’m not Catholic nor are we raising our kids to be.

Sounds like you married a loser to spite your mom. You lost in the end and your own kids with think tattoos and piercings are cool.

Her DH has a stable job and a heart of gold. You have a judgmental heart of tar, and are the actual loser in this exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's an adult. You're having a hard time letting go but he needs to figure out independence and relationships and you need to give him the space to do it. You don't have to let her stay overnight at your house (your rules and all) but you will push him away if you try to forbid him to go to hers. I've seen this dynamic play out a few times u and it can be really damaging to your relationship with him. You are basically saying "I don't trust you to make decisions in your own life".

I'm basically saying, I don't support acting like a $lut. He doesn't need to sleep over. I didn't do that stuff.

You have spent 21 years raising him with your morals, values, principles, and ethics. He is choosing differently from how you would choose.

Do you think that your enforcement of "rules" for a 21-year-old man will make any difference whatsoever?

Are you more interested in creating and enforcing rules for your adult child than you are in having a relationship with him?

I'm not going to just sit back and be okay with poor choices because I am scared of his reaction. And yes he is livid.

You should be scared of his reaction. He’s an adult & has the power to never speak to you again if you are awful.

Lol ok. I pay his bills.

Stop paying if you disapprove of him. Just don’t expect him to speak to you at all.

So I should fear him?

Yes.

Lol No. He should fear that I won't share my money. I have several million he would love to inherit. He should fear that.

Wow, you are awful. Emotional blackmail for an inheritance is much worse than premarital sex IMO. I bet you "spanked" him when he was little too.

No I didn't and what a weird thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother tried to control my sex life, including who I was dating. I became independent as soon as I could and walked away. I married someone I loved who was an atheist with tattoos, piercings and a stable job and a heart of gold. 14 years in, we’re still happily married and she’s never met her grandkids. I’m not Catholic nor are we raising our kids to be.

Sounds like you married a loser to spite your mom. You lost in the end and your own kids with think tattoos and piercings are cool.

Her DH has a stable job and a heart of gold. You have a judgmental heart of tar, and are the actual loser in this exchange.

Looking like that...he probably has trauma.

[Anonymous]

An adult child who is supported by his parents should follow thier rules. Doesn't seem like there is much choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

None of your business. Its his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being unreasonable, yes. And exactly how do you plan to stop it?

I can't stop it but I won't be giving him use of my car to go there.

If he won't follow our rules, he can support himself.

This is literally what my youngest brother and parents fought over 9 years ago.

He was moving back home after graduating that May because his new job didn't start until August of that year. My parents forbid him from staying that night at his girlfriend's parents' home. They took away his access to their cars, and took him off the family cellphone plan when he found alternate transportation to go see her to spend the night. Both my brother and his girlfriend were 22 at the time. He and my parents had an explosive fight and he ended up moving out and moving in with her at her parents' house.

He hasn't spoken to my parents in 9 years. My other siblings and I are still close with him. If he's at a family function with my parents, they both ignore the other party. Oh, and he and that girlfriend got married 3 years later. My parents were not invited to the wedding. They had their first kid in 2021 and my parents have never met their first and only grandkid.

When I ask my parents about reconciling, they say stupid things like "he wanted to act grown, so we let him act grown." That makes no sense! He was grown! He was a 22 year old man!

[Anonymous]

Religion is a cancer on humanity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's an adult. You're having a hard time letting go but he needs to figure out independence and relationships and you need to give him the space to do it. You don't have to let her stay overnight at your house (your rules and all) but you will push him away if you try to forbid him to go to hers. I've seen this dynamic play out a few times u and it can be really damaging to your relationship with him. You are basically saying "I don't trust you to make decisions in your own life".

I'm basically saying, I don't support acting like a $lut. He doesn't need to sleep over. I didn't do that stuff.

You are a troll. To have sex, he doesn't need 36 hr stay. That's because he likes her and want to spend time with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being unreasonable, yes. And exactly how do you plan to stop it?

I can't stop it but I won't be giving him use of my car to go there.

If he won't follow our rules, he can support himself.

This is literally what my youngest brother and parents fought over 9 years ago.

He was moving back home after graduating that May because his new job didn't start until August of that year. My parents forbid him from staying that night at his girlfriend's parents' home. They took away his access to their cars, and took him off the family cellphone plan when he found alternate transportation to go see her to spend the night. Both my brother and his girlfriend were 22 at the time. He and my parents had an explosive fight and he ended up moving out and moving in with her at her parents' house.

He hasn't spoken to my parents in 9 years. My other siblings and I are still close with him. If he's at a family function with my parents, they both ignore the other party. Oh, and he and that girlfriend got married 3 years later. My parents were not invited to the wedding. They had their first kid in 2021 and my parents have never met their first and only grandkid.

When I ask my parents about reconciling, they say stupid things like "he wanted to act grown, so we let him act grown." That makes no sense! He was grown! He was a 22 year old man!

He may have been 22 but he sounds like he was incredibly immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's an adult. You're having a hard time letting go but he needs to figure out independence and relationships and you need to give him the space to do it. You don't have to let her stay overnight at your house (your rules and all) but you will push him away if you try to forbid him to go to hers. I've seen this dynamic play out a few times u and it can be really damaging to your relationship with him. You are basically saying "I don't trust you to make decisions in your own life".

I'm basically saying, I don't support acting like a $lut. He doesn't need to sleep over. I didn't do that stuff.

You are a troll. To have sex, he doesn't need 36 hr stay. That's because he likes her and want to spend time with her.

I know he doesn't need 36 hours. He is ridiculous. Do your thing and go home.

[Anonymous]

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. They are already having sex so what exactly are you trying to prevent OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother tried to control my sex life, including who I was dating. I became independent as soon as I could and walked away. I married someone I loved who was an atheist with tattoos, piercings and a stable job and a heart of gold. 14 years in, we’re still happily married and she’s never met her grandkids. I’m not Catholic nor are we raising our kids to be.

Sounds like you married a loser to spite your mom. You lost in the end and your own kids with think tattoos and piercings are cool.

Her DH has a stable job and a heart of gold. You have a judgmental heart of tar, and are the actual loser in this exchange.

Looking like that...he probably has trauma.

lol you obviously don’t know many people with tattoos or piercings. He’s got no trauma. He’s just not the most conventional-looking guy.

[Anonymous]

I have a 23 yo son that lives with me while attending college full-time. I would not care, and the only comment I might have its to remind him to use a condom! But we talk pretty openly so that's not a big deal for me to bring up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

Really? Why?
I'm a little surprised.

Because he’s 21.
What are you worried about? Are they having sex? Why, yes; yes they are.
Can they have sex at any time during the day if they don’t spend the night? Yes they can.
Is he asking to do this in your house, where your rules apply? No he isn’t.
Stop trying to control him, you will just make him not want to visit, ever.

I know they are having sex. They can do that and he can go home.

So the sex is OK but sleeping together where they might really develop some intimacy (holding each other, pillow talk etc) is a step too far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's an adult. You're having a hard time letting go but he needs to figure out independence and relationships and you need to give him the space to do it. You don't have to let her stay overnight at your house (your rules and all) but you will push him away if you try to forbid him to go to hers. I've seen this dynamic play out a few times u and it can be really damaging to your relationship with him. You are basically saying "I don't trust you to make decisions in your own life".

I'm basically saying, I don't support acting like a $lut. He doesn't need to sleep over. I didn't do that stuff.

You are a troll. To have sex, he doesn't need 36 hr stay. That's because he likes her and want to spend time with her.

I know he doesn't need 36 hours. He is ridiculous. Do your thing and go home.

Well, in that case you are upset about him taking your car, using your gas and being thoughtless. You need to focus on that and tell him that he needs to make alternative travel arrangements. Are you upset because he a job lined up?