Reply to Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a DC native but moved across the country in 2017 to own a business with DH.  We both had a really hard making friends due to some cultural differences in this part of the country.  I befriended at my gym in late 2019 right before the pandemic.  We created our own little pod with her and her husband and became very close.    We also both got pregnant with our first within weeks of one another and both gave birth in summer 2021 within days of one another.   We both stayed home for the first year and spent tons of time together and when we decided to go back to work realized that childcare was going to be a major issue.  There’s a shortage of childcare options here.  We couldn’t find a single decent daycare with an opening and my schedule didn’t really work well with a daycare center.   I had a few babysitters and they just never worked out.  Mostly college age kids who couldn’t commit.  We decided to try a nanny share and posted an ad on our local Facebook childcare page and we ended up getting a response, did interviews and it was a great fit.  Experienced and educated nanny, very flexible with our schedule and does a great job with two 1-year-olds.  She’s been with us for about 9 months and it’s gone really well.

Here’s the issue; nanny got sick with strep last a few weeks ago and ended up missing three days.   We’ve (my husband and I) have been running a business for over 5 years.  It’s standard that we request doctors notes when we have numerous call ins for illness.  I have gotten much pushback, I implemented it originally because we had employees who would lie about illnesses to miss significant amounts of work.  That’s what was in my mind when I emailed our nanny and asked for her to bring in her doctors note when she returned.  I now know this is not usually how it works with nannies, so I don’t need the lecture.  However, this seemed to greatly offend her and she came in on a Monday with a doctors note and a letter of resignation.  She said if we can’t trust her to be honest about her illnesses and reason for calling in then she doesn’t think we can trust her with our child so she decided it’s time to move on.  She’s gave  us four weeks notice.

But, she also told our share family that they also had a four weeks notice.  She apparently told my friend/share family that she thinks it wouldn’t work for her to just continue working for our friends and that she needs the hourly share wage and that the hourly wage they can offer her on their own isn’t enough and she didn’t seem interested in them trying to find a different share situation with another family.  She claimed she thought this was best because she “didn’t want to make things awkward” between my friend and I but only working for one family.   However, now we have one week left with nanny (yes it’s been very awkward) and neither of us have found childcare alternatives.  We’re having my in-laws come in for a week or so to give us more time.  Our friends do not have family that can assist and that’s created a lot of tension.  I offered to have my in-laws help with their LO and they declined.  They don’t seem interested in trying a share again and are more serious about looking into a daycare while we still prefer another babysitter.  My friend has also been super distant and I know she’s angry with me and I understand the frustration but I don’t think we’re wholly at fault.

Going back I wouldn’t have requested the doctors note but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to request for any employee.  I feel like if the nanny was willing to quit over something so small we have been unknowingly walking on eggshells with her the entire time and didn’t know it.  We know she can find a job much easier than we can find a nanny because there are so many families desperate for care.  She definitely has always had the upper hand.

But now I just deeply regret the nanny share idea as a whole.  9 months of childcare is not worth 3.5 years or friendship.  I’m just so sad. [/quote]

Sorry you haven’t found a nanny to care for your child. I see the big picture here, you came strong at your caregiver and she reacted accordingly. Cause and effect. She felt uncomfortable and didn’t appreciate your request of  doctors note. Even IF you apologize or pump up her rate, once trust is broken is unrepairable. She’s not at fault of the fallout between you and friend.
I’m sure there’s a little more behind Nanny’s decision to call it quits.
Be thankful she gave you a curtesy of 4 weeks. Most Nannies give you a standard 2 weeks.[/quote]

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