SAHM's, What do you do all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many good reasons to choose to be a SAHM, and good reasons to continue to work. I currently work full-time, but would consider staying at home when I have multiple children not yet old enough for school.

What I can't stand, however, are all the people who say that they're "blessed" or "lucky" to be able to stay at home. Really, if I continue to work, I'm not blessed? I really, really like the fact that, due to my hard work, I have relatively low-stress six-figure job with a flexible schedule and can work from home at least some of the time.

And I'm "blessed" that because of my financial contribution to the household, we can live a comfortable lifestyle (live in a good neighborhood and enjoy short commutes, for example) and my husband doesn't have to work crazy hours to support the whole family. I'm so blessed to have a husband who is around so much for the family - oh, wait, that's because I pitch in financially to maintain a family-work balance we both enjoy.

Not a matter of being "blessed" - we just make different choices.

This is the problem with DCUM -- people like you who take someone else's positive comment and spin it into some sort of negative slam on you and get defensive. You "can't stand" someone else saying they're lucky to stay home? I feel very, very, very lucky to be able to stay at home because it is what I want to do. Does that have any bearing on whether a working mom is also lucky or "blessed"? Of course not. "I feel lucky to be able to do this" does not mean "You suck and you aren't lucky because you do that." Guess what? I can consider myself lucky AND you can consider yourself lucky even if we are lucky for different reasons and in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and when you and your partner split up you'll be screwed b/c you can't find a job due to the hodgepodge mess on your resume. Happened to my cousin after 15 years of marriage and now she is waitressing.

I'm sorry that happened to your cousin, of course that's a terrible situation.

Since I have both a graduate degree and a professional degree and nearly a decade of work in my field before I left, I think I would manage to scrape something together. Maybe I'm wrong, but given that I've been with my partner 16 years, owned a house together for four, and only been married two, I'm not living in fear of my marriage failing

.

According to the rules of some working moms on DCUM you must ALWAYS live your life as if you will be dumped by your spouse/partner at a moment's notice. I can't figure out why anyone would even choose to marry or have kids if that's how you felt about your spouse, though.

I don't know why being risk adverse and wanting to always be able to support yourself automatically translates into feeling your marriage will be doomed. People can also die and get laid off. I don't judge people who want to stay home while their husband supports the family financially - it worked well for my parents and I know it works well for other families. But I don't think it's fair to judge women who want to support themselves and their children down the road, and stay in the workforce to ensure that, as assuming their marriage will fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know why being risk adverse and wanting to always be able to support yourself automatically translates into feeling your marriage will be doomed. People can also die and get laid off. I don't judge people who want to stay home while their husband supports the family financially - it worked well for my parents and I know it works well for other families. But I don't think it's fair to judge women who want to support themselves and their children down the road, and stay in the workforce to ensure that, as assuming their marriage will fail.

It wasn't people like you, PP< that I was judging.

I was judging people like the one who said this:

"Yes, and when you and your partner split up you'll be screwed b/c you can't find a job due to the hodgepodge mess on your resume. Happened to my cousin after 15 years of marriage and now she is waitressing."

In response to this:

"I don't work outside the house and I don't even have kids yet (and wasn't planning to four years ago when I quit my job, although I will have one next year). I set up a home studio where I work on art projects, I'm the treasurer of a local charity organization, I am the chair of a town committee, I volunteer for local organizing projects, I garden, I do (almost) all the cooking because I like to, I plan and manage all the (contracted out and self-completed) home repair projects on our old house, and I spend my days the way I want to. My partner supports all this because I'm happier, healthier, and our home is a more pleasant place to be because of all my hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I can't stand, however, are all the people who say that they're "blessed" or "lucky" to be able to stay at home. Really, if I continue to work, I'm not blessed? I really, really like the fact that, due to my hard work, I have relatively low-stress six-figure job with a flexible schedule and can work from home at least some of the time.

And I'm "blessed" that because of my financial contribution to the household, we can live a comfortable lifestyle (live in a good neighborhood and enjoy short commutes, for example) and my husband doesn't have to work crazy hours to support the whole family. I'm so blessed to have a husband who is around so much for the family - oh, wait, that's because I pitch in financially to maintain a family-work balance we both enjoy.

Not a matter of being "blessed" - we just make different choices.

IMO most people (myself included) say that they are "lucky" when they actually have the ability to make the choice - and aren't bound to a certain situation for financial or other reasons. The parent who wants to stay home and actually can choose to do so does feel lucky. I'm sure that the parent who wants to go back to work and can (e.g., childcare doesn't make it cost prohibitive) also feels lucky.

So yes I feel lucky that I was able to give up a similar job situation as yours and still keep our comfortable lifestyle (but skip the house upgrade & extravagant vacations for now) and enjoy having my DH around to spend time with our family (he also has a flexible job). I really honestly do feel lucky that I wasn't forced into going back to work - I know many people who felt like they didn't have a choice at all.

[Anonymous]

Hey, I'm a SAHM who has a strong, happy marriage according to both my husband and me. We have worked through some tough times over the years.

But I am well, well aware that anything can happen, and that the choice I made to leave the workforce could leave me in a precarious financial situation some day. I don't seen any harm in other SAHMs at least noticing that, and not sticking their heads in the sand.

[Anonymous]

10:00, calm the #$@! down. People like you who make nasty, overgeneralizing comments about other posters are *actually* the problem with DCUM. I think it *is* offensive to look at working moms with pity and imply that they just didn't have a very good lot in life to get stuck working. Not that WOHM moms do the same thing - people on both sides of this issue openly pity people who aren't in their own camp.

But yes, I, too, can't stand when I tell people that I work and they tell me how "blessed" they are to be able to work, they could never let someone else raise their child.

[Anonymous]

11:59 here - Cprrection - how blessed they are to be able to NOT work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:00, calm the #$@! down. People like you who make nasty, overgeneralizing comments about other posters are *actually* the problem with DCUM. I think it *is* offensive to look at working moms with pity and imply that they just didn't have a very good lot in life to get stuck working. Not that WOHM moms do the same thing - people on both sides of this issue openly pity people who aren't in their own camp.

But yes, I, too, can't stand when I tell people that I work and they tell me how "blessed" they are to be able to work, they could never let someone else raise their child.

I have managed to obtain the elusive 'balance'. I work from home during my children's school hours. I see my kids as much as any SAHM. I pull an impressive salary with great health benefits. Granted I couldn't do all of the Costco, grocery, target, home depot runs to the degree somebody that a SAHM with kids in school may be capable of...but I live in close-in/walking distance to groceries, etc. so I can get a lot done on a work breake. I sometimes pick up slack a few hours on the weekend or a night or 2 a week. It is fantastic. As long as my kids are happy, I'm happy and DH is happy--we are good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and when you and your partner split up you'll be screwed b/c you can't find a job due to the hodgepodge mess on your resume. Happened to my cousin after 15 years of marriage and now she is waitressing.

I'm sorry that happened to your cousin, of course that's a terrible situation.

Since I have both a graduate degree and a professional degree and nearly a decade of work in my field before I left, I think I would manage to scrape something together. Maybe I'm wrong, but given that I've been with my partner 16 years, owned a house together for four, and only been married two, I'm not living in fear of my marriage failing

.

According to the rules of some working moms on DCUM you must ALWAYS live your life as if you will be dumped by your spouse/partner at a moment's notice. I can't figure out why anyone would even choose to marry or have kids if that's how you felt about your spouse, though.

I don't believe that is true. I do believe that many ppl are blindsided....you can never truly know 100% about anyone or what they are capable of. Some of the divorces in our community were instances in which the spouse thought they did marry somebody phenomenal. Some of the ones that were abandoned were by ppl that, as an outsider, never in a million years would you think that that person would be type to do that. My parents did raise all of their children (boys and girls) to always have a means to support themselves...for my sister and I that has been keeping a foot in the workplace...she has been lucky enough to work 2 days a week (with option of going back to full-time) for the past 15 years and I WAH. Her kids will be off to college soon and she can easily slide back into full-time mode at same work place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:00, calm the #$@! down. People like you who make nasty, overgeneralizing comments about other posters are *actually* the problem with DCUM. I think it *is* offensive to look at working moms with pity and imply that they just didn't have a very good lot in life to get stuck working. Not that WOHM moms do the same thing - people on both sides of this issue openly pity people who aren't in their own camp.

But yes, I, too, can't stand when I tell people that I work and they tell me how "blessed" they are to be able to work, they could never let someone else raise their child.

You totally missed the point and you are reading things into posts that just aren't there. Saying "I feel lucky to be able to stay home" does not mean anyone looks at working moms with pity or thinks that they don't have a good life! That is crazy. Saying "I feel lucky to be able to do this because it's what I want" doesn't in any way imply "I think your way sucks and you're NOT lucky." I can feel lucky to be at home while you feel lucky to have a great job. One has nothing to do with the other.

I'll say it again... I feel very, very, very lucky to be able to stay home because I want to stay home. What part of that has anything to do with pity, looking down on someone, suggesting someone else raises her child? Any woman who is happy with her situation should feel lucky, because there are a lot of women who have to work when they'd rather stay home and a lot of women who are stuck at home when they'd rather be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:00, calm the #$@! down. People like you who make nasty, overgeneralizing comments about other posters are *actually* the problem with DCUM. I think it *is* offensive to look at working moms with pity and imply that they just didn't have a very good lot in life to get stuck working. Not that WOHM moms do the same thing - people on both sides of this issue openly pity people who aren't in their own camp.

But yes, I, too, can't stand when I tell people that I work and they tell me how "blessed" they are to be able to work, they could never let someone else raise their child.

You totally missed the point and you are reading things into posts that just aren't there. Saying "I feel lucky to be able to stay home" does not mean anyone looks at working moms with pity or thinks that they don't have a good life! That is crazy. Saying "I feel lucky to be able to do this because it's what I want" doesn't in any way imply "I think your way sucks and you're NOT lucky." I can feel lucky to be at home while you feel lucky to have a great job. One has nothing to do with the other.

I'll say it again... I feel very, very, very lucky to be able to stay home because I want to stay home. What part of that has anything to do with pity, looking down on someone, suggesting someone else raises her child? Any woman who is happy with her situation should feel lucky, because there are a lot of women who have to work when they'd rather stay home and a lot of women who are stuck at home when they'd rather be working.

PP here - I don't think I have missed the point, buI don't think you're the type of person I'm talking about in my above post. Some people act as though day care is the worst thing to inflict on a child.

So perhaps I should be more clear - It's not the "I'm lucky to be able to stay at home" that bothers me. Anybody with a meaningful choice is a position of privilege; that includes myelf. What DOES drive me crazy is when people say things along the line of"I'm so blessed that my children don't have to go to day care, I would hate to do that to them." I suppose out of context that sounds benign, but if you scroll up, you will see people who say that day care should be an absolute last resort. As though it's inflicting some kind of harm on your child to go to day care. Perhaps the people with this condescending, limited view of day care are few and far between, but they sure are vocal. (And I agree that there are bad day cares out there, but there are also bad SAHMs whose children would be better off being cared for by someone else. )


So yeah, when people imply they're blessed to not be in *my* situation, and not just blessed to be able to make a choice, I am offended. I can't really take it another way when in the same conversation, people say things like "You shouldn't have children if you can't take care of them." Again, maybe I've just encountered some really tacky people, but can you see why I sympathize with being offended by the 'blessed' remarks?

[Anonymous]

If I could SAH while the kids were at school, I would do everything that I couldn't do as a WOHM: cook a decent meal, clean, do the laundry, volunteer. As a WOHM, I simply don't have time to do those things (I have three small children, so I always feel like I'm doing the minimum just to survive). There are definitely merits to both WOH and SAH...

For some who have many young children, it might make better sense financially to SAH when you consider the costs of daycare (I, for one, currently fork out $3700/mo for childcare); for others, it might make more sense to work up the ladder so that they have the option to take off later when the kids are teenagers (that's when I want to go part-time).

[Anonymous]

I say I am 'lucky' to be sahm because I feel that I am. But to be honest, I usually find myself saying that to a mom who cannot afford to stay home and I feel bad that she has to send her 3 month old to a full time day care.

don't get me wrong, there are days i wish i stayed at my job. i'm sure if i were working i'd be saying that i am lucky to have this job that i can afford to have a nanny or a cleaning lady and to send my children to the best schools.

it's all relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to be funny, but if your kids are in school, what do you do all day? I've been on vacation all of this week, and LOVING it. Wishing I didn't have to go back. But, now that it's the end of the week, I'm wondering what would I be doing if this was my way of life? I feel like I'd run out of money & things to do.

Just curious....

I have worked and stayed home. I quit work because of how busy/frazzled/unhappy I was.
One of my kids is in elementary school and the other is in preschool 9 hours a week. This is what I do with my time:
I go to the gym, grocery shop, read books, go the the library with my kids, take them to ballet and therapy (one of them has mild special needs). I keep the house pretty clean, wash and fold clothes, and sometimes lie down on the couch to watch the Today show.
I cook every meal. I walk the dog, make and keep dr/dentist/vet appointments. I have coffee with other SAHMs. Shuttle kids to playdates, host playdates. Volunteer at the schools and church.
I am happy with my life. I don't feel rushed, overwhelmed or frazzled anymore. Do we have a ton of money? NO, the sacrifice of my salary has been worth the enjoyment of my life. It does seem leisure at times, but you know what? I don't care if any working moms think I am a stereotype, a failure, at risk of losing my independence, a bad role model to my two girls.
When I run out of "things to do" I don't spend money. I read a book or meet a friend at the playground with my younger DD.
I am happy. If you are happy with your life, then I am happy for you.

[Anonymous]

If you're super organized, staying at home becomes boring b/c you have too much down time.

seriously . . .

Now, if organization is not your forte' . . .