I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea who the mom cliques are at our school, if they exist.

Because you are in it already.

I rarely hang out with any parents from out school. I only briefly see people at school drop-off and pick-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

Stop being so surprised that people have feelings. You weren't born yesterday you know why feeling left out or excluded doesn't make someone feel good.

Still doesn’t explain why she cares about these moms.

Do you need it spelled out? It’s not really complicated.

[Anonymous]

Got a couple pages in and my brain switched to a middle school valley girl accent. Many of you are emotionally still 12 years old having a lunchroom moment. I would feel sorry for you, but it's your choice. I tell my daughter that MS is an important part of her social development and some people get stuck there. (I should follow that with and then post on DCUM).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

ugh. you are probably one of the cliquey moms

[Anonymous]

Do your kids have friends?

I’m not sure why you care about other people’s friendships. We are relatively new to our neighborhood and I am not friends with one mom in the neighborhood. I am friendly with several. I don’t even know who is friends with who but I would not be offended or care if they are hanging out because I am not friends with them.

My kids all have lots of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a friendly, approachable person? Do you ever initiate or make plans? I find that the people who complain about this are never the organizers and are often awkward socially.

OP here - yes, I actually am! I've tried to invite people out for coffee or drinks, I try to do playdates, but it's not the same when you don't live in the neighborhood and run into people walking or driving down the street or when the neighborhood has parties and you don't live there, so you can't attend.

I posted above that we don’t live in the cool neighborhood but we live in the rich neighborhood. We are relatively new to our new neighborhood.

In our old neighborhood, we also lived on a lonely street. We had the biggest house but not a lively street. There was a close neighborhood that was full of kids and it sounded like they had gatherings all the time. I know there was this one house who had a giant Halloween party every year and we would just walk by and think it looked like fun. Eventually I became friends with a mom who owned a house in that neighborhood but moved closer to me. She was good friends with the Halloween party house and we were officially invited. It was really no big deal actually going.

I hosted my own big Halloween party. It was not a neighborhood party. We invited classmates from school and it was well attended. We got a petting zoo and had a ton of food. Most of the parents I had never met.

Throw your own party, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

Stop being so surprised that people have feelings. You weren't born yesterday you know why feeling left out or excluded doesn't make someone feel good.

Still doesn’t explain why she cares about these moms.

Presumably because they are neighbors and as she mentioned in a different post, her kids are friends with their kids, so she still has to see them and be friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people want mom friends I don’t understand. Cool if it happens organically, but why is this a type of friend people want for the sake of it?

Because we're lonely, OP. Not all of us are the queen bee mean moms like you clearly are.

+1

It’s also generally only an issue when it seems like others are friends and you are not included. It’s the same in an office or neighborhood. I don’t sit around thinking I have to have work friends or neighbor friends, but if there’s a big group of people either place who are very visibly friends with each other, it feels awkward to be excluded. I have friends but they aren’t associated with a specific place or activity, so when I spend time with them it’s not like we are excluding other people around us.

I think the parent friend thing is also stressful because it can also translate to kid cliques, and if your kid is outside one, you feel responsible on some level for not better facilitating friendships.

👆🏻X 100%

[Anonymous]

In my neighborhood, I am part of a group of families that are friends. There are trips together, cookouts, moms nights, guys nights. Our families get along well - there isn't drama with them. However, it's when you start to involve other people outside of that core group that the being left out and drama tends to occur. I want to host a mom's night this month, and trying to decide who to invite. There are several other moms outside of that core group of families that I really like, and want to invite. However, if I invite them - then I know that there is at least one woman in the neighborhood who will think that she is being left out. Unfortunately, she is my neighbor - so she will see cars in the driveway. But she also is the source of a lot of drama - she has people that "doesn't like", etc. So maybe I am cliqueish. It's not intentional, I just don't want to have people who make things unpleasant or will create drama at my house when I'm hosting.

And I also agree, that if you want to be included, you also have to do the hosting and organizing. I organize events frequently, and yes - as a result I have made friends, and am included in things hosted by others as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

PP can still feel hurt by the exclusion.

Then get therapy. That isn't anyone's problem. You are an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

PP can still feel hurt by the exclusion.

Then get therapy. That isn't anyone's problem. You are an adult.

I think the person who needs therapy is the one who thinks that we're not allowed to have feelings.

It's perfectly valid for OP and baby shower PP to feel sad about being left out of something that looks fun. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your kid hears about a birthday party that they weren't invited to you, do you say something like "I'm sorry, it sounds like that hurts your feelings" to empathize with them, or do you say "suck it up, buttercup, that's life. go see a therapist"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not in the mom clique either, OP, but I’ve never been in the “cool group” so I’m used to it.

I am the smart mom with the smartest kid in class (yes, we’re both nerds) and we’re both thin and wear glasses! It’s just who we are.

Be comfortable with yourself, OP. Accept exclusion but never exclude. It would be the same wherever you move.

I think this is it. I was never part of the cool or popular clique so no big deal that I’m not in the cool mom clique either.

I was at some point very much a pta mom. Not anymore.

I have always had a few close friends and still do. My friends are moms but they are not necessarily moms of my kids’ friends.

I've been in cool groups and not cool groups and sometimes no groups, and I just don't care. And that is the secret to happiness. Once a mom friend was complaining to me about mom cliques and I was like, what cliques? And she said to me, exasperated, "Oh Larla! You're just not paying attention!" And I was like, well, exactly.

I'm not on FB and use Instagram only for a hobby of mine (don't follow any school people), and I'm sure this is a help. But also, when my oldest kid was in elementary school, I was the treasurer of the PTA for a few years. And I got to see up close how terrible some of these people are, like the ones who want to donate lots of money to the school... but only if the money goes to their own child's classroom. And the complaints about other people's children and the jockeying for the smallest of advantages. I think that experience killed any desire I might have had for close friendships through my children. It's just not a good basis for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

PP can still feel hurt by the exclusion.

Then get therapy. That isn't anyone's problem. You are an adult.

I think the person who needs therapy is the one who thinks that we're not allowed to have feelings.

It's perfectly valid for OP and baby shower PP to feel sad about being left out of something that looks fun. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your kid hears about a birthday party that they weren't invited to you, do you say something like "I'm sorry, it sounds like that hurts your feelings" to empathize with them, or do you say "suck it up, buttercup, that's life. go see a therapist"?

Haha, I actually do the buttercup thing. And then explain that not everyone gets invited to everything. I do not validate unreasonable expectations. No need to see a therapist.