Anyone facing jealous friends now that your kids are in private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of this could be solved by just being more sensitive. If your friend is complaining about having a 5 hour layover, you don't say "that is why we only fly on our private jet." If your friend is complaining living with three kids in an apartment is driving her nuts, that is not the time to say "I'm so glad we live in a home with two acres of land." And if you have a friend who is a widow worrying about making sure her son has enough male role models. You listen carefully, and ask questions. You don't say "yeah, I am so lucky my husband is healthy and is a great dad." Just keep those thoughts to yourself!!! And similarly, if your friend is complaining about the problems with her kids public school, that is not the moment to tell her you are switching to private. You can tell her another time.

Or you just be yourself and don’t self censor so aggressively. If people are that jealous, cut them out…there are plenty of people—both successful and not—that will be happy for you and not haters. Be friends with those type of people not the ones you need to walk on egg shells with.

It's not walking on egg shells it's empathy. Keeping friends with different economic circumstances can take a bit more effort but without that effort, you may lose old friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of this could be solved by just being more sensitive. If your friend is complaining about having a 5 hour layover, you don't say "that is why we only fly on our private jet." If your friend is complaining living with three kids in an apartment is driving her nuts, that is not the time to say "I'm so glad we live in a home with two acres of land." And if you have a friend who is a widow worrying about making sure her son has enough male role models. You listen carefully, and ask questions. You don't say "yeah, I am so lucky my husband is healthy and is a great dad." Just keep those thoughts to yourself!!! And similarly, if your friend is complaining about the problems with her kids public school, that is not the moment to tell her you are switching to private. You can tell her another time.

Or you just be yourself and don’t self censor so aggressively. If people are that jealous, cut them out…there are plenty of people—both successful and not—that will be happy for you and not haters. Be friends with those type of people not the ones you need to walk on egg shells with.

It's not walking on egg shells it's empathy. Keeping friends with different economic circumstances can take a bit more effort but without that effort, you may lose old friends.

I though she was talking about neighborhood friends, who are likely in a similar socioeconomic group?

[Anonymous]

Since you posted to this forum, OP, you have already started separating yourself and will continue to do so. Mature people see you separating and, knowing that many parent “friendships” are based on kids going to the same schools, they are moving on just like you are. It’s not personal or even remarkable.

[Anonymous]

As others have pointed out, most not very kindly, be aware of how you're presenting the news to people. DC, who is in public now, private in the fall, has a few friends who switched to private last year and some parents acted as if people were going to be jealous. They were fake secretive in a "I went to college in Cambridge" kind of way. It felt very condescending.

There was gossiping in the parent friend groups about how annoyed people were about this behavior about one particular parent. There was no jealousy. The other parents are in the same general income bracket, and many would not have considered this school which is not a Big 3 or other top school for their child.

I have no reason to think you are acting like this OP but am bringing this up just so you know the other side.

I do agree that there are probably people who are jealous about things related to other people's children. I think it's natural for some parents to feel envious. I would just continue to be open about your child's school and experiences in a neutral way as if you were talking to them this year when your children were at the same school and it will be okay with most of them.

If you see any of them acting in a catty, immature way then drop them. These people do exist. Look at the disgusting posts you see on this board sometimes directly criticizing specific children on the sports board or AAP board. Remember what happened at Sidwell a few years ago with the college admissions process?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my son got into Gonzaga, a friend asked me why I wasn't concerned that he was going to be surrounded by a bunch of entitled and privileged kids. I kid you not. I was almost defending the school talking about the diversity in the school and all the financial aid they give. Also talked about the service they do, She didn't want to know about it. We hardly speak now.

I definitely wouldn't lead with that question, but it is a real issue (with no shade toward Gonzaga because I know very little about the school). It's something I worry about. I was talking to a friend about the school my child will be attending next year and she said "do you think other parents are going to be okay with their kids visiting your neighborhood?" I wasn't offended, I'd already been worrying about that.

It's an issue for us as well - we do talk about how sending our kids to private school means they'll be surrounded by a bunch of privileged kids.

So honestly, it's a real question. I guess I'd be shocked if someone I didn't know relatively well asked me that though. I'm just saying the question in and of itself is literally something my friends and I talk about as a genuine issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I think everyone gets jealous of something. So, it is normal. Don't gloat. I got very jealous during Covid of my friends with their own pools because my townhouse pool was closed. Then, I discovered Swimply.

My kid went private, but I never discussed it.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who is sooo class conscious. She's obsessed with what others are spending. She cannot be social with someone who has more than her. We have been friends for years. DH and I are very low key wealthy. However once the pandemic hit and our schools went to shit, we were able to get our kids in an independent school that remained open all through the 2020-2021 year. My DH also got a new expensive car after driving thr same Toyota for 15 years, we bought an investment property in Montana which the kids let slip after a ski trip where we stayed there. She abruptly stopped talking to me.

Those of you whondont have friends who covet others, be grateful. It really sucks when a friend has such deep issues. I really should.have seen how my friend disparaged others and paid more attention. I just never thought I'd be on the receiving end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so not a thing

Unfortunately, it is. Many parents will take even the most neutrally worded statement as a referendum on their educational choices, and react accordingly. It’s all well and good if you can keep it a deathly secret, but that gets weird quickly.

The answer, of course, is that your real friends won’t be jerks about it, and people are jerks about it they’re not your real friends.

NP.

No, it’s really not a thing. I mean, I *judge* you for doing it (negatively) but that’s not to be confused with jealousy.

Sure, sure. Your quick judgment of other people’s educational choices for their own children has absolutely nothing to do with your own issues. Got it.

Obviously you’ve never been in this situation because you are way, way too good to ever send your kid to private school, but: I’ve been there. Our neighborhood school is undeniably crappy. When my kid got into a fancy-schmancy selective private school with a buttload of FA, my dearest and best friends were thrilled for us, and we’re still close. Other people dropped us like a hot potato and I am absolutely OK with that. They were distressed about their own tough choices and didn’t have it in themselves to be happy for my kid. Again, that’s OK. Not everyone is meant to be a friend during every season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have pointed out, most not very kindly, be aware of how you're presenting the news to people. DC, who is in public now, private in the fall, has a few friends who switched to private last year and some parents acted as if people were going to be jealous. They were fake secretive in a "I went to college in Cambridge" kind of way. It felt very condescending.

There was gossiping in the parent friend groups about how annoyed people were about this behavior about one particular parent. There was no jealousy. The other parents are in the same general income bracket, and many would not have considered this school which is not a Big 3 or other top school for their child.

I have no reason to think you are acting like this OP but am bringing this up just so you know the other side.

I do agree that there are probably people who are jealous about things related to other people's children. I think it's natural for some parents to feel envious. I would just continue to be open about your child's school and experiences in a neutral way as if you were talking to them this year when your children were at the same school and it will be okay with most of them.

If you see any of them acting in a catty, immature way then drop them. These people do exist. Look at the disgusting posts you see on this board sometimes directly criticizing specific children on the sports board or AAP board. Remember what happened at Sidwell a few years ago with the college admissions process?

Can you tell me about the fake secretive behavior? We are starting private and I don’t want to show off but I also don’t want to go into fake secretive territory

[Anonymous]

It may not be jealousy. I may just not care. And your imaging things and maybe wishful thinking that people are jealous cause you feel “special”? We’re rich and went to great colleges and still send kids to public schools. You do you boo.

[Anonymous]

I can’t really imagine caring about other parents’ educational choices. About 50% of kids from our kid’s public middle school went to private and 50% to public. They are in college now and all still friends.

[Anonymous]

No. All our friends send their kids to private schools too.

[Anonymous]

About 90% of the kids at my country club send their kids to private school by 4th grade. Almost all these people live in a W school district.

[Anonymous]

About 90% of the parents at my country club send their kids to private schools by 4th grade.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get it. We moved our kids from a non-W cluster ES last year to private. We didn’t really discuss it but it wasn’t a secret esp from friends that we see a lot. I was prepared for some commentary from parents - based on things that were said when we mentioned that we were considering private - but I was not prepared for my older ES child to get questions, comments from their friends. Think a middle school boy making unkind, judgmental remarks - Why are you going to private, that’s dumb, everyone I know in private hates it, etc. these comments were made to our kid but also to us (from the other kid, not the parent). we had to arm our kid with some reasonable, shut-it-down responses.
I was not prepared for that, but of course kids are going to hear their parents say things and not nec have enough of a filter at that age.