IL double standard
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Anonymous
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So I know this is a husband problem, not an IL problem. Seeking productive advice on how to address this with DH.
When my ILs visit, or when we go visit them, they expect us to be with them the whole time. As in sitting in the same room, talking. They think it's rude if you read a book or check your email or do anything to distract from sitting and chatting. If there's an activity, everyone is expected to participate. So there's no such thing as everyone goes on a hike, but I stay home to get going on dinner and fold laundry. It's All Together, All the Time. When my parents visit, or when we go visit them, they don't expect my husband or me (or the kids, for that matter) to be around them 24/7, and they also don't bat an eye if we read a book or a magazine, play a video game, or take a phone call when they're around. If some people want to go on a walk, and some people would rather nap or watch a football game, it's Whatever You Want, No Expectations. I understand that different people operate in different ways, and that's fine. What bugs me is that DH--who enjoys all the flexibility when we're with my parents, to the extent that he won't even come upstairs to greet them when he's working in his basement office and they arrive after an 8-hour car trip--somehow does expect me to dance to my ILs' tune when they visit. So DH relishes the freedom and ease when my parents are around, but doesn't extend me that same freedom, ease and grace with his parents: if anything, he expects me to be a human shield to absorb a lot of their expectations, need for attention, constant need for engagement, etc. He's even said out loud how great it is when my parents visit, because he can get so much done and the kids are having a great time with grandparents. How do I bring this up with him in a productive way? What's fair? |
Anonymous
| You have a valid complaint. Do you usually walk on eggshells around your H? I'd just come straight out and repeat much of what you wrote in the last paragraph. |
Anonymous
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How long of visits are we talking about and how far away do they live?
That sounds miserable for more than an afternoon. Don’t they run out of stuff to talk about? |
Anonymous
| My suspicion is your DH is an introvert at heart and he’s getting you to take harder extrovert stuff off his shoulders. Since they are his parents I’d tell him that from now on he’s in charge of entertaining them, not you. Then leave the house and go grocery shopping or something while they visit. |
Anonymous
OP here. We're talking multi-day/overnight visits, about four nights. AND an entire week at the beach every summer. Yes, they do run out of things to talk about! They repeat stories, observations, opinions, and general blather. I swear to you, hand to God, my IL has asked me whether I bake cookies using butter or Crisco at least 25 times. That is not an exaggeration. |
Anonymous
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I think the way you said it here is good. There’s a double standard and you don’t feel you should have to cater to your in-laws’ expectations. You will enjoy their visits much more if there’s more naturalness to how everyone acts. You need down time and would enjoy it just like he does when your folks visit. There’s no need for you both to sit with his parents all day long. Can they take the kids out somewhere? Can you divide and conquer in terms of spending time with them?
You have to just start steeling yourself to deal with their disapproval. They will get used to a new normal where you go off to do laundry, work out, walk the dog, or whatever. |
Anonymous
| When they visit you start making plans and just leave the house. Let your husband pout if necessary. |
Anonymous
| Tell her DH that you are not going to dance to his parents expectations anymore. You will politely decline, do what you need and that is that. If they become rude, pouty, whining r whatever they do to manipulate you guys then you will become more direct. Let him know that he is free to join you in resetting their expectations and holding firm on not planting them or he can choose to dance to their game. It’s up to him but you are not playing anymore. |
Anonymous
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My grandparents were like this. My mom's family was like yours, and my dad's family was more like your in-laws.
My mom ended up handling it by scheduling a ton of fun activities that she wanted to do whenever we visited. They lived in Sunnyvale (bought a three bedroom ranch in the 1960's...that was a good investment!), so my mom would plan trips to San Francisco, to the redwoods, out to Carmel, etc. Maybe you could add a bunch of activities in the beach vacation, and go to the amusement park, out for mini golf, rent a boat, go parasailing, etc. Yes, it's expensive, but it's cheaper than a divorce 
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Anonymous
+1 Tell him what your plans are when they are visiting and then do it. Put your mask of obliviousness on when they start giving you sh!t. It may be uncomfortable the first few times but then it will become the norm. |
Anonymous
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So what happens if you excuse yourself to go upstairs? Or say, you all go, I'm going to stay and get dinner started? Or what if they're there and you have a doctor or dentist appt?
Just curious if this is something you just have to start doing, and it'll be uncomfortable or weird but eventually you break them and they don't bat an eye at you stepping away. But overall, ou just have to start talking to your husband about this. Talk generally and openly. Appear to have no agenda. For right now, I'd avoid comparing, except in very neutral tones in very specific examples. Hey, have you ever noticed that your family always wants everyone to do everything together? Has it always been this way? What if I used some time when your parents were here to grocery shop? Or, build to - hey, I know your parents like it when everyone does everything together, but you know me, I need a little down time. How can we work it so it's not a big deal? |
Anonymous
NP: If you were talking about a weekend afternoon of four hours I'd say yes you were being rude. But overnight? No. Dh needs to tell them "I think you have a different picture in your head of how these visits should go. Marla and I sometimes split up throughout the day to get things done and indulge our own interests, and then we have something to talk about over dinner. We've been trying to do visits your way, so this visit we're going to do it our way." |
Anonymous
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I think I would keep the comparisons out of it. Things are going well with your parents and visits, and everyone seems happy with the status quo. I don't think there's any need to bring that up - it ends up sounding like "well MY parents are a DELIGHT! What's wrong with YOUR parents?" which is not a productive path.
I would just stick to the issues with traveling to see his parents. I would center it around the next trip, and go something like this: "I've been thinking about our annual beach trip with your parents, and I realized it's become a stressor for me. I think it's because we're expected to be "on" a lot of the time - they don't like it if we do our own thing, or read a book or anything. I enjoy talking to your parents, but I also need some downtime, and it feels like the expect us to chat with them all day every day. Have you noticed the same thing?" See what he says. Assuming he agrees with your interpretation, and he also would like some downtime, then you can brainstorm, together, how best to adjust the trip to better suit your needs. There are TONS of options here, so I wouldn't go in with an agenda, but see what sounds appealing. You could shorten the trip, you could stay in your own house, you could specifically plan some stuff to do alone or a routine thing you're going to opt out of, you could decide privately that you're each going to take an hour to yourself each day and come up with a code phrase for it, etc, etc. I would say that considering his family's preferences is a kindness. If they would understand staying elsewhere, but would be offended by you skipping mini-golf, then staying elsewhere makes more sense, or vis versa. But if every single option would hurt or upset them, if it's their way or the highway, then it's totally reasonable to stand your ground and say that that status quo hurts YOU and you're not willing to do it anymore and to expect your husband to have your back on that. But it's going to be important to hash this all out and decide on a plan, and how to respond to the parents, in advance. |
Anonymous
You are a far better person than I am. I couldn’t do it - we use the time my parents visit to catch up on some things. I would not be willing to completely clear the calendar for that long. You need to speak up kindly but firmly. Don’t expect it to be well received, and that’s ok. I would just start planning stuff and do it. |
Anonymous
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Don't make comparisons: how your family operates is not the rule for his family. That said, I agree that you should have some flexibility and should talk to your DH about it. And maybe, when you're with your in-laws, just try doing a few things on your own: go for a walk, go take a "nap", say that you'll stay behind and start dinner. I think pulling our your phone or magazine when you're all sitting together visiting at their house is a bit rude, but if you're on vacation, not so much (my take, not your rule).
Start with a small rebellion and work your way to flexibility
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