IL double standard

[Anonymous]

Is the beach house theirs, yours, or a rented property? At least there you should be able to do your own thing some of the time, while participating in family time as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would keep the comparisons out of it. Things are going well with your parents and visits, and everyone seems happy with the status quo. I don't think there's any need to bring that up - it ends up sounding like "well MY parents are a DELIGHT! What's wrong with YOUR parents?" which is not a productive path.

I would just stick to the issues with traveling to see his parents. I would center it around the next trip, and go something like this:

"I've been thinking about our annual beach trip with your parents, and I realized it's become a stressor for me. I think it's because we're expected to be "on" a lot of the time - they don't like it if we do our own thing, or read a book or anything. I enjoy talking to your parents, but I also need some downtime, and it feels like the expect us to chat with them all day every day. Have you noticed the same thing?"

See what he says. Assuming he agrees with your interpretation, and he also would like some downtime, then you can brainstorm, together, how best to adjust the trip to better suit your needs. There are TONS of options here, so I wouldn't go in with an agenda, but see what sounds appealing. You could shorten the trip, you could stay in your own house, you could specifically plan some stuff to do alone or a routine thing you're going to opt out of, you could decide privately that you're each going to take an hour to yourself each day and come up with a code phrase for it, etc, etc.

I would say that considering his family's preferences is a kindness. If they would understand staying elsewhere, but would be offended by you skipping mini-golf, then staying elsewhere makes more sense, or vis versa. But if every single option would hurt or upset them, if it's their way or the highway, then it's totally reasonable to stand your ground and say that that status quo hurts YOU and you're not willing to do it anymore and to expect your husband to have your back on that. But it's going to be important to hash this all out and decide on a plan, and how to respond to the parents, in advance.

OP here. The only reason I even mentioned both dynamics is to show that my husband is enjoying the freedom on one hand, and totally not letting me enjoy any freedom on the other hand. So I'm not setting it up even in my mind as my family = right his family = wrong, I'm just saying he shouldn't act one way around my parents, and expect me to act a totally different way about his parents. I hope that makes sense. Thank you for your advice, PP and everyone who has chimed in so far! Reading and thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the beach house theirs, yours, or a rented property? At least there you should be able to do your own thing some of the time, while participating in family time as needed.

It's a rented property and we pay our share. (Also sharing with SIL and her family sometimes.) We also pay for groceries and meals out, etc. They are not treating us to this trip.

[Anonymous]

Just stop playing the game. Go hang out by yourself. Excuse yourself and go watch TV or read a book. Leave the house. Let your DH handle the 24/7 catering to his parents.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't even entertain continuing to do this and I would straight up tell dh. Why can't you as well???

[Anonymous]

when he rejoices you tell him “I hope you realize that the complete reverse is true when we visit your family because there is no break for me at all. We need to change this because multi day visits are burning me out from being “on”’all the time. I need you to do blah blah blah”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When they visit you start making plans and just leave the house. Let your husband pout if necessary.

Do this. If ILs get offended, then, oh well.

[Anonymous]

“I’m really looking forward to the beach house trip. But the reality is that your parents seem to want 24/7 attention during these trips. I wanted you to have a heads up that I am really burnt out and need some me time in this trip. So, I’m going to go off and do some stuff on my own this trip.”

And then, just do that.

[Anonymous]

People here like to say "an invitation is not a summons," and let's extend that to "expectations are not obligations." Your ILs want everyone to do everything all together. They can want that as much as anyone has ever wanted anything, and you can still say, "No, I'm going to skip the hike and start dinner instead. Have a good time!" or "I'm going to go take a nap -- can you think of anything you need? No? Well, Bob can help you if something comes up."

Don't use "double standard" when talking to your husband. This isn't about why you should get some down time. You don't have to earn down time when competent adults are staying with you for more than a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here like to say "an invitation is not a summons," and let's extend that to "expectations are not obligations." Your ILs want everyone to do everything all together. They can want that as much as anyone has ever wanted anything, and you can still say, "No, I'm going to skip the hike and start dinner instead. Have a good time!" or "I'm going to go take a nap -- can you think of anything you need? No? Well, Bob can help you if something comes up."

Don't use "double standard" when talking to your husband. This isn't about why you should get some down time. You don't have to earn down time when competent adults are staying with you for more than a couple of days.

I love it. Thank you! -OP

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you need to go through your husband on this.

Someone's expectations are not obligations for you.

1. 'I'm not joining you for a walk - I'll stay at home and start preparing the dinner.'

2. When in the room together, having a conversation, wait for a moment when it eases up a bit, stand up and say: "I need to go and finish doing the laundry now." Leave the room.

Etc etc.

Assuming your MIL won't throw herself on the floor and grab hold of your feet, while you drag her across the room.

[Anonymous]

I'd suffocate around people like your ILs. Assert yourself a little, and don't feel guilty for being a normal human being.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this too. We actually had to get childcare during their visits when the kids were really little. We had three kids close in age, and it was hard for DH and I to take care of the kids and give my ILs the attention they wanted.

It is SO WEIRD! Also, I don’t know if your husband is like this, but outside of these visits where we are all expected to be glued at the hip, he hardly talks to his parents at all. It’s bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd suffocate around people like your ILs. Assert yourself a little, and don't feel guilty for being a normal human being.

Thank you! This thread has helped. I honestly thought I was going to get a lot of pushback on "they are your guests/you should spend family time together," but I appreciate that most people get what I'm talking about! -OP

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this too.

I’m surprised this didn’t resolve when you had kids? That’s how I was able to transition away from this because there was absolutely zero chance I was waking a napping baby or toddler to cater to their need to have all of us do all the things all the time. Then it became “you guys and H take child 1 with you while child 2 naps.” And then by that point it was natural that I did not accompany them on excursions even when child 2 stopped napping because by that time the precedent was set that I didn’t come. It did mean I bore the majority of child stuff while they visited for several years, but honestly it was a small price to pay to get out of the cycle of not a solitary moment alone. My ILs stay upwards of 2 weeks at a clip and it was killing me to be “on” for that long.