IL double standard

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this. It was a years-long process of "training" them and honestly it's still a work in progress. If I leave the room to start dinner, they follow me into the kitchen. "Can I help?" followed by plopping into a chair to chatter. If I'm reading a book, I must not be busy and probably just secretly wishing I could have another conversation. I learned VERY early not to announce if I was going on a walk bc they would be up grabbing coats before I could finish my sentence "by MYSELF."

They hear every announcement as an invitation so I stopped telling them in advance. Like, if I want to start dinner I'll just walk into the kitchen and start. When they come in "can I help?" Sorry, no, I've got it under control. "Mmmm-hmmm. Mmmm-hmmmm" to their conversation until they give up. Eventually they stop following me into the kitchen. But we start from scratch every visit.

When I'm reading a book, "oh, sorry, I'm in the middle of a good part. Let's catch up later."

If I want to go on a walk, I slip out of the house when they aren't looking. Yes. Really.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what happens if you excuse yourself to go upstairs? Or say, you all go, I'm going to stay and get dinner started? Or what if they're there and you have a doctor or dentist appt?

Just curious if this is something you just have to start doing, and it'll be uncomfortable or weird but eventually you break them and they don't bat an eye at you stepping away.

But overall, ou just have to start talking to your husband about this. Talk generally and openly. Appear to have no agenda. For right now, I'd avoid comparing, except in very neutral tones in very specific examples. Hey, have you ever noticed that your family always wants everyone to do everything together? Has it always been this way? What if I used some time when your parents were here to grocery shop?

Or, build to - hey, I know your parents like it when everyone does everything together, but you know me, I need a little down time. How can we work it so it's not a big deal?

this is great advice. you do not want to come on too strong out of the box as your dh may genuinely not grasp the situation and need a little time to absorb your observations. I have a great relationship with my ILs, but it took a bit for DH to see the dynamic with his younger sister. success may be more likely with dialogue where he figures it out.

GL - that sounds really heavy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here like to say "an invitation is not a summons," and let's extend that to "expectations are not obligations." Your ILs want everyone to do everything all together. They can want that as much as anyone has ever wanted anything, and you can still say, "No, I'm going to skip the hike and start dinner instead. Have a good time!" or "I'm going to go take a nap -- can you think of anything you need? No? Well, Bob can help you if something comes up."

Don't use "double standard" when talking to your husband. This isn't about why you should get some down time. You don't have to earn down time when competent adults are staying with you for more than a couple of days.

yes, don't invoke the double standard. while your dh does benefit from your parents' visits, he is not necessarily the one dictating the dynamics with his parents - part of your post comes across as he "owes" you and that could go sour fast. i would really try to approach it as partners, then go from there.

[Anonymous]

“You must get so tired of me in the mix all the time. Enjoy some time alone with you son for a change! I have a hair appointment at 1pm and I’ll pick up dinner on my way home!”

[Anonymous]

How long has this been going on, OP? You should have nipped it in the bud but better late than never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When they visit you start making plans and just leave the house. Let your husband pout if necessary.

Do this. If ILs get offended, then, oh well.

+1. Be your kind, polite, charming self when with them but do whatever it is you want to do. Go to the gym, take a walk, grab some coffee or go out to lunch. Tell them all you’re leaving and will see them all later.

[Anonymous]

OP, as soon as the kids are old enough, just stop going with him.

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to figure out why you are scared of your DH?

He won’t even bother to come say hello to your parents but you have to put up with that bullsxxt?! Absolutely I would bring up the double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to figure out why you are scared of your DH?

He won’t even bother to come say hello to your parents but you have to put up with that bullsxxt?! Absolutely I would bring up the double standard.

Yeah, this. OP, you get trapped in a a living room having to discuss Pop Tarts, Dancing With the Stars, and the weather with HIS parents. And DH doesn't feel the need to take a break in his "work" to say frigging hello to YOUR parents?

What gives? Are you afraid of your husband? Is it because he makes all the money and you are a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Just do your thing and let them stew. Be a good hostess, but take time for a workout or meet a friend for her “birthday”, or take your kids to a sport practice or a BD party.

Schedule a hair or dentist appointment and act like it was a last minute emergency. Schedule something for in-laws, husband and kids. Lucky for me we don’t have a 3 row vehicle so there is no room for me when I send my ILs and husband on a field trip to a local tourist attraction.

Also I assume they are old. Run them ragged and they will take a nap before dinner or go to bed super early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to figure out why you are scared of your DH?

He won’t even bother to come say hello to your parents but you have to put up with that bullsxxt?! Absolutely I would bring up the double standard.

Yeah, this. OP, you get trapped in a a living room having to discuss Pop Tarts, Dancing With the Stars, and the weather with HIS parents. And DH doesn't feel the need to take a break in his "work" to say frigging hello to YOUR parents?

What gives? Are you afraid of your husband? Is it because he makes all the money and you are a SAHM?

Not OP, but I do not interrupt my work meetings to greet my husband’s parents who choose to arrive at 2pm on a weekday. He greets them and I will greet them when work is done for the day. I greet my own parents and take primary host duties for them. I am not the primary hostess just because of my gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when he rejoices you tell him “I hope you realize that the complete reverse is true when we visit your family because there is no break for me at all. We need to change this because multi day visits are burning me out from being “on”’all the time. I need you to do blah blah blah”

If my husband refused to work on this with me, I would take a solo or girls trip weekend for every IL visit and leave my husband alone with this kids. I am an introvert and I need my weekends and vacations to recharge. Thankfully my husband gets this and entertains his parents so I can have a break.