Coping strategies for a spouse with extreme time blindness

[Anonymous]

And I mean for the other spouse. My DH has what is probably undiagnosed ADHD but he refuses to do anything about it and is convinced his time blindness is not a problem for us. I'm unlikely to get him to take ownership of this problem himself. I basically need better ways of getting him to adhere to the family schedule when it's not negotiable.

So what do those of you living with a similar partner do to address this? I am a very time aware person and am the family clock, for sure. We also have two small kids (under 5) so I drive the bus on making sure we get to school and other places on time, making sure bed time happens within an appropriate window, ensuring kids are eating and going to the bathroom at regular intervals, etc.

My DH is capable of being on time to things -- he is on time to work every day, he is religious about being on time for planes and trains, and he's pretty good at being on time for social events with friends. He, somehow, cannot apply any of those strategies to our children or to our family schedule for things like mealtimes.

All ideas welcome.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, can you drop the jargon and say what you mean? Does DH not show up on time to pick up the kids?

[Anonymous]

What specifically is he late to? Other than meals. I don’t understand meals. Don’t you just tell people dinner is ready, and then they come?

We have a shared calendar with reminders at set times for appointments or reminders to do something. But meals are simply, “it’s ready,” and then they come.

[Anonymous]

You can read what I wrote about this in the post about whether ADHD gets worse as you age, but here is a summary of what I’ve done.

First, I made clear this was an issue during dating and that I expected him to be on time when something was really important to me. He showed me during dating that he could improve. I literally told him when we planned a trip to Europe, “I am leaving my apartment at x time to be at the airport. If you are not there, I will leave and get on the plane without you and have a wonderful trip.” I 100% meant it. He was on time and I knew after that trip we would probably marry.

Second, while he would totally say “oh yeah, I am time blind”, he knows this is a weakness. He has used technology to really help him. He lives and dies by his calendar reminders. If he had refused to acknowledge this as an issue while dating, we would not have dates that long. If he started to pretend now that it wasn’t an issue, I would lose my mind.

Third, I’ve had to learn to let go of my own anxiety about being late for stuff that isn’t actually that important to me. He is the one that thinks goi long to church and seeing his family are priorities more than me so I need to stop caring about lateness for things that are not important to me. When dating this turned into, “you need to manage my expectations, don’t tell me you will pick me up at 6:30 for me to then be super pissed when I’m waiting at 6:45.” Tell me “let’s have dinner Tuesday night, I will call you when I’m in my car so you know I’m 45 minutes away.”

Fourth, I do more of the mental load, but he does a TON of the physical stuff in return. He gets the kids to most appointments, does the laundry, changes diapers, etc.

Fifth, I am ok trying to help him think through a schedule.
So, “hey dude, tomorrow we need to leave at 10am, but x, y and z have to get done. Let’s talk through what time we need to set the alarm for all that to get done.” And then I scoff when he claims he can be ready in 20 minutes and remind him that he is never, ever ready in less than 45 minutes. My kid chimes in that I’m totally right and he grimaces and agrees to get up earlier.

Sixth, we mostly try to have a sense of humor about our differences although this will always pop up from time to time as an area of contention. Him being late drives me crazy, me rushing him drives him crazy. But we have tons of other things we love about each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can read what I wrote about this in the post about whether ADHD gets worse as you age, but here is a summary of what I’ve done.

First, I made clear this was an issue during dating and that I expected him to be on time when something was really important to me. He showed me during dating that he could improve. I literally told him when we planned a trip to Europe, “I am leaving my apartment at x time to be at the airport. If you are not there, I will leave and get on the plane without you and have a wonderful trip.” I 100% meant it. He was on time and I knew after that trip we would probably marry.

Second, while he would totally say “oh yeah, I am time blind”, he knows this is a weakness. He has used technology to really help him. He lives and dies by his calendar reminders. If he had refused to acknowledge this as an issue while dating, we would not have dates that long. If he started to pretend now that it wasn’t an issue, I would lose my mind.

Third, I’ve had to learn to let go of my own anxiety about being late for stuff that isn’t actually that important to me. He is the one that thinks goi long to church and seeing his family are priorities more than me so I need to stop caring about lateness for things that are not important to me. When dating this turned into, “you need to manage my expectations, don’t tell me you will pick me up at 6:30 for me to then be super pissed when I’m waiting at 6:45.” Tell me “let’s have dinner Tuesday night, I will call you when I’m in my car so you know I’m 45 minutes away.”

Fourth, I do more of the mental load, but he does a TON of the physical stuff in return. He gets the kids to most appointments, does the laundry, changes diapers, etc.

Fifth, I am ok trying to help him think through a schedule.
So, “hey dude, tomorrow we need to leave at 10am, but x, y and z have to get done. Let’s talk through what time we need to set the alarm for all that to get done.” And then I scoff when he claims he can be ready in 20 minutes and remind him that he is never, ever ready in less than 45 minutes. My kid chimes in that I’m totally right and he grimaces and agrees to get up earlier.

Sixth, we mostly try to have a sense of humor about our differences although this will always pop up from time to time as an area of contention. Him being late drives me crazy, me rushing him drives him crazy. But we have tons of other things we love about each other.

Ugh — I meant he would “not” actually say he is time blind. Reading your post again, on the bedtime stuff, it gets easier once they are older and bedtime being 15-30 minutes later isn’t that big of a deal. That said, I also had to let go of some of my rigidity about bedtime when they were little so I didn’t murder him. On meal times, our family just doesn’t eat meals together. We have all kinds of other family time, but sitting together for a meal isn’t actually important to either of us. Some of this is because we have a kid with profound special needs so that vision was just never going to happen — but it hasn’t been the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what he's late to?

I value being on time but the family calendar/ schedule sounds very rigid

[Anonymous]

OP here. It’s not that he’s late, it’s that he ignores when stuff needs to happen in our family. So he’ll be in charge of getting our older child ready for school, which entails packing lunch, getting her dressed, and getting her bag packed. He’ll start the process, then decide to check work email while she finishes breakfast. Then 20 minutes will pass, and I will discover she’s still in her pajamas, her lunch is half packed, and we don’t know where her backpack even is. So then after having spent my time getting the younger kid ready for daycare, I have to scramble to help get her ready so we can get out the door somewhere in the vicinity of in time.

With dinner, he will be in charge of dinner but get sidetracked or make the dinner complicated, and it won’t be ready until 8. We’ll that’s not a thing with small kids— they have to be in bed by then. So I’ll wind up throwing a meal for them together AND getting them ready for bed while he finishes cooking.

And it’s the same with anything kid related. He knows generally what the schedule is. He is also well aware how long it takes to get kids this age to do things. And he knows that if we deviate too far from mealtimes, bed times, or departure times, there’s a ripple effect that makes everything else harder. And yet… there he’ll be, playing a video and saying to the kids he’ll be starting a bath for them in 5 minutes, and then 30 minutes will pass.

I give reminders all the time. I try to be gentle about them and be calm. But it’s hard because often I’m trying to do something at the same time. It’s hard to stay on him about this sort of thing when I’m in a meeting, or doing our taxes, or putting together snacks for PK because it’s our week.

[Anonymous]

I've had flaming rows with my husband about this. He also refuses to treat his DIAGNOSED ADHD, saying it wasn't a real diagnosis and he doesn't need the meds.

After being late to two weddings, innumerable dinner parties, a Bat Mitzvah, and missing a plane, I finally had it and told him I would leave without him next time. it led to a gigantic row, because he can get very controlling and denies that his tardiness has any impact on our social standing or quality of life.

Since I cannot be in two places at once, he drives one child to school, and they are always late. When it's his turn to make dinner, it's always late. When he says he will arrive at noon, expect him at 12:30. He is systematically late for work. He has missed incredibly important deadlines at work. He has been fired from jobs. He is never current with his taxes.

I suspect he also has some form of Asperger's as well, although he denies that too. It would explain the very rigid black and white thinking, the over-reactions to reminders that if starts getting ready now, we won't be late, etc... He will somehow make it my fault that we didn't arrive on time, but also claim in the same breath that it's not important if we're late...

Thankfully, this doesn't happen often. But it has impacted our relationship, of course. When we met and got married, he was occasionally late but not systematically, and always seemed to have a plausible explanation. In true ADHD fashion, he could function as a bachelor, with only himself to look after, and a flexible job. But a few years after we were married, he got promoted to less flexible positions, had kids, and that just him spiral into systematic dysfunction, because his brain can't handle that much scheduling and timekeeping.

[Anonymous]

I've never heard the term "time blindness" before. But I do have ADHD. What your husband has is poor planning skills and is easily distracted, and just naming the problems in plain language might be the first step to conquering them.

I am religiously on time for things and extremely uptight about planning, and I did this as a fix for my ADHD. I'm a lot less fun now, but I am successful, and now much more on the ball than my wife.

It is just a matter of planning ahead of time and sticking to the schedule until it gets to the point that it is second nature. There is no magic. Literally, write out a schedule and get a watch. Things that are natural for "normal" people need explicit planning for the ADHD person. That's just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

I also have ADHD and it’s a challenge for me as well.
Chunking out time with interim deadlines helps—eg, dinner prep needs to be done by 6:30, and if it’s not, you just put together what you can and eat. Or lights out for kids at 8:30–so if you are ready by 8, you can have books until 8:30 but no books if not ready by &:30. If not in bath by 7:45, no bath. Etc. For leaving for school, we used to have interim deadlines down to the minute—if we left for bus at 8:24, that meant bags in hand at &:23, shoes on at 8:22, downstairs by 8:20, breakfast done by 8, etc. you can use timers for the longer chunks—so when you see the timer counting down to 8 am, food is shoveled into mouth. If it’s 7:50 and there’s no breakfast ready, it’s a Cheerios day.

I use timers and alarms a ton. You may have to scaffold this skill for him to start but the goal is for him eventually to chunk the time himself and set the timers himself.

I’ll say also that once you set you this system, don’t nag. My husband nags and it drives me crazy. I’ll be in the middle of a work email and he’ll ask if I’m going to do X. I’ll say when I’m done with this bit of work. He’ll keep asking and it makes the work take three times as long because every time he interrupts I have to remember where I was. Once I’ve started something and am focused, I really want to get to a good stopping point, so I hate when something disturbs that unless it really is time critical.

[Anonymous]

Alexa.

Open the app and set repeating daily reminders like. . .

"Brad, time to put kids in the bath."

"Brad, are kids in the bath yet?"

"Chad, time to put the kids in bed"

But you need an echo dot in each room DH hangs around in, like kitchen, family room, bedroom.

[Anonymous]

In my marriage, truthfully, I do just about everything with the kids, so I don't rely on DH. I pretty much plan things so I know I can do them on my own and don't need him, because he's not reliable.

Also, he would never, ever get our kids prepared for something (like he would never make lunch, fill a water bottle, even make sure the kids are ready to go at a certain time). That would be a disaster. If he's in charge of driving, the only thing he does is show up at the door to the garage. I'm the one who gets the kids there, with all their supplies. If I'm not home, I set a timer for the kids and give them specific instructions. I also tape a note to the door to the garage with my instructions. Plus, I usually send a detailed email (emails don't get lost like paper lists do) to DH about where he's going, what he has to do once there, etc. I'm realizing as I'm writing it sounds a little ridiculous, but I'm so used to it.

And one other things... I find things go much more smoothly when it's something DH is invested in. For example, one of my kids plays a sport, and DH is really, really into it. He drives to all practices, games, etc., and is rarely late.

[Anonymous]

Mine is like this. Drives me bonkers.

Only thing that seems to have worked is consequences. Doesn't give the kids their bath? I go to bed and let him handle bedtime solo and let him deal with the cranky, sleep deprived kid the next morning. Kid isn't ready in the morning? I leave, he takes kid to school and is late for work. Isn't ready when it's time to leave? I go without him.

Just tonight I told him what time dinner would be ready. He strolled in 30 minutes late. I had eaten, his food was cold, I went on with my own evening plans. He doesn't get intimate time because he's late, oh well.

When it gets really bad I'll have a huge, full-on meltdown. Tears, hysterical sobbing, hyperventilating, freaking out that I have to do everything. Most of it is acting. But it buys me a few weeks of him stepping it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is like this. Drives me bonkers.

Only thing that seems to have worked is consequences. Doesn't give the kids their bath? I go to bed and let him handle bedtime solo and let him deal with the cranky, sleep deprived kid the next morning. Kid isn't ready in the morning? I leave, he takes kid to school and is late for work. Isn't ready when it's time to leave? I go without him.

Just tonight I told him what time dinner would be ready. He strolled in 30 minutes late. I had eaten, his food was cold, I went on with my own evening plans. He doesn't get intimate time because he's late, oh well.

When it gets really bad I'll have a huge, full-on meltdown. Tears, hysterical sobbing, hyperventilating, freaking out that I have to do everything. Most of it is acting. But it buys me a few weeks of him stepping it up.

This seems . . . incredibly dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not that he’s late, it’s that he ignores when stuff needs to happen in our family. So he’ll be in charge of getting our older child ready for school, which entails packing lunch, getting her dressed, and getting her bag packed. He’ll start the process, then decide to check work email while she finishes breakfast. Then 20 minutes will pass, and I will discover she’s still in her pajamas, her lunch is half packed, and we don’t know where her backpack even is. So then after having spent my time getting the younger kid ready for daycare, I have to scramble to help get her ready so we can get out the door somewhere in the vicinity of in time.

With dinner, he will be in charge of dinner but get sidetracked or make the dinner complicated, and it won’t be ready until 8. We’ll that’s not a thing with small kids— they have to be in bed by then. So I’ll wind up throwing a meal for them together AND getting them ready for bed while he finishes cooking.

And it’s the same with anything kid related. He knows generally what the schedule is. He is also well aware how long it takes to get kids this age to do things. And he knows that if we deviate too far from mealtimes, bed times, or departure times, there’s a ripple effect that makes everything else harder. And yet… there he’ll be, playing a video and saying to the kids he’ll be starting a bath for them in 5 minutes, and then 30 minutes will pass.

I give reminders all the time. I try to be gentle about them and be calm. But it’s hard because often I’m trying to do something at the same time. It’s hard to stay on him about this sort of thing when I’m in a meeting, or doing our taxes, or putting together snacks for PK because it’s our week.

Same poster as earlier that gave a long list. Here is the reality. He just cannot be in charge of dinner for the kids if you have any other way to swing this. And the kids likely just need to eat before you guys. Figure out some other less time sensitive task you can trade off to handle dinner yourself. Or hire a neighborhood teen to help from 5-7 and get the kids fed early. Or give your kids a snack dinner every night. They can eat cheese and crackers, some fruit and some veggies with hummus and call it a meal. Have a pizza night once a week or whatever. Trying to get a time blind person to cook a meal on some sort of schedule is an exercise in insanity. I’m certain my husband’s issue is hereditary. The whole family jokes about how they would go to his grandma’s house for Sunday lunch every week and grandma couldn’t manage to get the meal in the table until3 or 4 pm. They all this this is hilarious and I always think “you people are nuts. I would never have continued this particularly with young kids.”

For the morning stuff, you need to have a very calm conversation on the weekend to see if he even realizes there is a problem. I would say something like “listen, I know you have the best of intentions, but have you noticed that when you check email in the morning, it always seems to take longer than you think it will. And have you noticed that I then turn into a crazy person scrambling to get everything done that you were not able to do while you were on email? It makes me incredibly stressed and feels like I’m supposed to do it all. I hate starting my day off feeling so frustrated and I’m sure you hate seeing that frustration emanating from me.” And then I would listen. If he is a total jerk, he won’t care. If he isn’t a jerk, then he will hopefully brainstorm with you about ideas. Like no phone or email access until the kid is ready or a five minute timer when he opens email, etc.

Also, start getting the kids involved in the morning checklist for themselves ASAP even if it is just a picture schedule at this point. One of the best things that has happened is my neurotypical kid caught on early that she needed to keep things moving herself. She is extremely self sufficient and also helps remind her dad that crap needs to get done.