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[quote=Anonymous]Maybe I'm in the wrong here - if so, please tell me.

My mom doesn't have friends, and despite much encouragement from me is too shy/reluctant to make any. She chats with neighbors, occasionally catches up with people from her past, but she is very social by nature and she gets maybe 20%-30% of the social contact she needs at most.

She has a rocky marriage with my dad, and a pretty unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with her own elderly parents, whom she does a LOT for and they still grumble about how it's not enough. She has no siblings or other family. So, this leaves her unfulfilled and lonely and constantly trying to be closer to me than I would like to be.

I am working an intense job that I love and have two young kids. Life is really busy. I struggle to fit in quality time with my husband, friendships, or exercise. I try to see my family once a week, because they live nearby, usually with the kids. Most weeks they will also call and ask for a second get-together just with the kids.

It's never, never enough. If I visit my grandparents, she will make comments about how I find time for them but not her. If I call my dad, it's "Why don't you call me too?" If I see her with the kids, it's "That was fun, but I want to see you one-on-one". If we have a family celebration, "that doesn't count as quality time since it's so hectic".

I've tried to talk to her about this, and she wants me to find time to meet up with her one-on-one every week or at least have a long call without the kids in the background. This is in addition to making sure she and my grandparents see the kids several times per month, and any family events for birthdays, holidays, etc. I've tried to explain that I'm really busy and that the amount of contact we have is more than enough for me, but she doesn't get it. She says she doesn't understand how a daughter would NOT want to spend time with her mother, that it's cruel and selfish. How could I prefer going out with friends to seeing her, when she's my mom and has done so much for me? What have those friends done for me? How can my job be more important than my family? (i.e. her?)

I don't even have a date night with my husband every week. I barely find an hour to work out per week. I see friends maybe a couple times per month. I'm usually exhausted after I put them to bed and/or finishing my work. And honestly, I don't enjoy hanging out with my mom that much. We're very different, don't have much in common, clash and argue a lot, and she cries a lot and is very emotionally volatile and refuses to get help. So I don't really want to make the huge effort to cut out time for a weekly "mother-daughter date". If I have an extra hour in my week, there are several other things I'd much rather do with that time.

So, here's what happens now. I try to set my boundaries. She keeps pushing and suggesting more get-togethers. I do what I can, and say no to the rest. Eventually, I get overwhelmed with her invitations, ("Can we get together tomorrow?" "no." "Wednesday?" "No". "Thursday?" "No! How about we just see each other in two weeks when I come over?" "That's way too long, at least let's do Saturday."

She starts guilting me, crying, and I lose it and blow up as well (after months of saying no politely). Then she says that she never wants to see me again. Then we don't talk for weeks. Then we make up and the cycle repeats again.

I feel so shitty about this whole situation, especially, as my mom points out, some people don't get to have a mom and I should be grateful that I have one who wants to hang out with me all the time. It's been like a decade of this, and she has shown pretty clearly that she cannot respect my boundary of how often I want to be in touch, because it feels like a personal insult to her. She will hold out for a couple months max and then start pushing and guilting again.

Any advice? [/quote]

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