Parents can’t accept sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have a strained relationship and after years of trying to take a deep breath and ignore her craziness, I am done trying and don’t want her to be a big part of my life. I don’t want us to be completely estranged - I am fine to see her at family events and holidays and even have a quick phone or text conversation every few weeks/month. We can be civil, just not very close. My sister is incredibly competitive, narcissistic and we can’t seem to have a single conversation where she doesn’t accuse me of doing, or not doing, something. She constantly belittles me and makes everything about her.

The problem here is my parents, who cannot accept that their children are not close. My dad is best friends with his brother, and my mom is an only child who always wanted a sibling. My parents recognize that my sister is a difficult person to get along with and can be exhausting to reason with, so they constantly push me to be the bigger person and just let her “win” or agree with whatever she says to placate her. I have explained to them that I get no joy from our relationship and done sitting back and accepting her cruel words or crazy antics. They never criticize my sister for being so harsh or point out that she shares equal blame for our relationship.

At this point my parents blame me for not “fixing” things and it’s making me start to resent them. How can I get them to accept the relationship we have and then just move on? The more the push the angrier it makes me.

[Anonymous]

One warning that you don't want them to bring up this topic again. After that if they bring it up on the phone say you will let them go for now hang up. If at their place, then leave.

[Anonymous]

OMG for a second I thought-did I write this? Do we have the same family? My mother takes it a step further and has anger fits at me for not playing along for her sake. It is and I quite "so embarrassing" to her that I don't at least keep up appearances. I don't plan to be estranged, but I do less than you do at this point. She is toxic and my life is a living hell right now.

I completely relate to them never criticizing my sister, in fact the cater to her. Over the years plenty of people have chimed in about her nutty behavior from grandparents to aunts and uncles and teachers and they are ALL wrong and must play the game.

They may never accept it. The key is to stay calm and not get sucked in. When they push it change the subject or end the visit or call calmly. Throw it back politely, "It sounds like you wish things were different."

I too used to get angry, but you have to step back emotionally and see it for what it is. They are not going to change so you need to detach. I found the book recommended here Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents helpful.

[Anonymous]

Same for me as OP and the 2nd responder, and I also found the emotionally immature parents book helpful. For me, the key was setting boundaries with both my mom and my sister after one particularly notable outburst, and then sticking to them: no, my sister can't come for a weekend visit; no, we will not take a joint extended family vacation together; no, we will not host Thanksgiving and invite my sister. It took easily 2+ years for them to figure out that I really meant it, and there were quite a few painful phone calls where I had to explain this again and again to my mom...painful for me because she kept asking me why, and then appearing not to understand or internalize my response, so we had to have the same conversation over, and over, and over again. I can't say that either of them have reached a point of acceptance, but they definitely understand that I'm not budging now so my mom has stopped asking. OP, try this, and if you need help with setting boundaries and sticking to them, consider working with a therapist on this issue. I did and it really helped me to stay firm.

At this point, my sister and I only speak when we have to be together, like a family wedding, and I try to minimize contact even for short periods of time, and we don't text or email. It's not great, but otherwise the situation is intolerable for me and I'm no longer willing like PP to trade off making my life a living hell to avoid estrangement. PP, no shade intended, I was where you are for many years and thought I could handle it indefinitely. It took a long time before something just clicked in my mind, and I realized that the situation wasn't healthy for me and that I need to prioritize the well-being of myself and my family (DH and kids) rather than my family of origin. Frankly I think this is healthier for my sister as well, whether she knows it or not, because being around me only sets off her competitiveness/jealousy cycle. Good luck OP and PP -- stay firm.

[Anonymous]

OP, they don't get to be rude. You, on the other hand, do not get to be hurtful. You hurt them when talk about *why* you don't enjoy your sister. You hurt them with details.

They don't get to ask again and again. And if something rude is said to you in public, you stand up for yourself.

But stop treating them like they are confidants. Your deeper thoughts need to remain private.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s just me, but after years of them complaining about you not having a close relationship with your sister, I’d offer to show them what it’s like when you don’t have a close relationship with your parents. They’re part of why you’re not close with each other. You don’t always have to be the nice guy. The reason they’re telling you this nonsense instead of her: she’s not a nice guy, but you put up with it. Set a boundary and enforce it. You won’t be closer to your sister but your parents will stop their shenanigans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG for a second I thought-did I write this? Do we have the same family? My mother takes it a step further and has anger fits at me for not playing along for her sake. It is and I quite "so embarrassing" to her that I don't at least keep up appearances. I don't plan to be estranged, but I do less than you do at this point. She is toxic and my life is a living hell right now.

I completely relate to them never criticizing my sister, in fact the cater to her. Over the years plenty of people have chimed in about her nutty behavior from grandparents to aunts and uncles and teachers and they are ALL wrong and must play the game.

They may never accept it. The key is to stay calm and not get sucked in. When they push it change the subject or end the visit or call calmly. Throw it back politely, "It sounds like you wish things were different."

I too used to get angry, but you have to step back emotionally and see it for what it is. They are not going to change so you need to detach. I found the book recommended here Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents helpful.

NP. I had the same thought and wondered if I posted this, except my issue is my brother. After years of a toxic relationship where I was often the recipient of insults, cursing and anger, I finally put my foot down. My brother nearly lost his mind because I refused to be his punching bag and my mother could not accept that I was not ‘supporting’ my brother because he is alone and lonely. Well maybe there is a reason for that?!! Anyways, my mother would constantly bring it up. I have been seeing my therapist to help deal with enforcing my boundaries but my mom would bring it up every chance she got and set me back emotionally. I finally gave my parents an ultimatum that if they don’t speak to my therapist, then our relationship will change as well. Thankfully they agreed and after a very painful therapy session, we have made some progress. It has actually helped my relationship with my brother and we are able to have a cordial text relationship. My mom once lamented that our relationship will never be the same and I had to say yes, you’re right, and I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels ‘close’ to me.

Agree with PPs that you definitely need to detach and enforce boundaries for your own mental health. Stay strong OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG for a second I thought-did I write this? Do we have the same family? My mother takes it a step further and has anger fits at me for not playing along for her sake. It is and I quite "so embarrassing" to her that I don't at least keep up appearances. I don't plan to be estranged, but I do less than you do at this point. She is toxic and my life is a living hell right now.

I completely relate to them never criticizing my sister, in fact the cater to her. Over the years plenty of people have chimed in about her nutty behavior from grandparents to aunts and uncles and teachers and they are ALL wrong and must play the game.

They may never accept it. The key is to stay calm and not get sucked in. When they push it change the subject or end the visit or call calmly. Throw it back politely, "It sounds like you wish things were different."

I too used to get angry, but you have to step back emotionally and see it for what it is. They are not going to change so you need to detach. I found the book recommended here Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents helpful.

NP. I had the same thought and wondered if I posted this, except my issue is my brother. After years of a toxic relationship where I was often the recipient of insults, cursing and anger, I finally put my foot down. My brother nearly lost his mind because I refused to be his punching bag and my mother could not accept that I was not ‘supporting’ my brother because he is alone and lonely. Well maybe there is a reason for that?!! Anyways, my mother would constantly bring it up. I have been seeing my therapist to help deal with enforcing my boundaries but my mom would bring it up every chance she got and set me back emotionally. I finally gave my parents an ultimatum that if they don’t speak to my therapist, then our relationship will change as well. Thankfully they agreed and after a very painful therapy session, we have made some progress. It has actually helped my relationship with my brother and we are able to have a cordial text relationship. My mom once lamented that our relationship will never be the same and I had to say yes, you’re right, and I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels ‘close’ to me.

Agree with PPs that you definitely need to detach and enforce boundaries for your own mental health. Stay strong OP.

I am the one you are responding to and I think we are the like soul sisters or something. My cruel sister is alone and lonely and does really toxic things to me and my parents were livid I would not be her punching bag and didn't just feel sorry for her and let it go. I too got therapy and my mother especially was obsessed with insisting we be close and would set me back with the guilt trips, yelling, threats and manipulations until I detached. Like another person mentioned I had to keep stepping from them too. It was clear my sister was the favorite and my well-being and need to be treated with respect did not matter to them. The family rule was we must walk on eggshells and fire to keep her happy and that was not a rule I would follow. I relate complete to "I don't want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels close to me." Exactly. It was a constant pull to be competitive or cater to her or comfort her or put up with her slights and cruel acts and I am just.done. Somehow I was the demon and anything she did was acceptable. No thank you. After over a year of mom yelling at me and telling me I am horrible person she seems to accept it. Dad has faded.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say this is a great example of why people should not guilt

[Anonymous]

Sorry pressed send to you soon this is an example of why you shouldn't pressure someone into giving their child to sibling just no guarantees that the siblings were going to get along or be closed when they are adults.


OP I think you are completely right to establish boundaries and be very clear with your family that you're happy the current iteration of your relationship that you currently have with your sister

[Anonymous]

Just solidarity, OP. I don't have the exact same situation but relate to so much about this. I am a low drama person who has built what I consider a nice life for myself, started my own family, and just generally want to enjoy life. I want to maintain family ties both because they do matter to me and because I want my child to have connections to my family she can continue to nurture into adulthood if she wants (the *if she wants* being key there). But at some point I think it's okay to accept that the main bond you have with a family member or members is that you are related, and you don't have to be best friends or focus your entire life around them. It doesn't mean you hate them or don't want them in your life.

My family has such a hard time with this and both my parents and some of my sibling are often pushing for very specific kinds of relationships. My DH and I have also been through this with his family, though it is less acute since his dad passed because his dad was much more fixated on this. Interestingly, his dad had an estranged brother that he didn't speak to for decades and that we only became aware of after the brother died several years back. I think in retrospect, my FILs obsession with my having his kids be close to each other was directly related to his own guilt and resentment over his estrangement from his brother.

But I think in the end, the reason estrangement happens is because people try too hard to make their family of origin their whole world. It can be very confining and I think sometimes people just can't take it and cut people off because of the unwillingness to negotiate comfortable boundaries.

Anyway, I don't know what the answer is to get your parents to stop. I have found that this kind of pressure just leads me to spend less time with my parents as well because so much of that time is spent trying to push me into situations I don't want to be in. I'm in my 40s. It's not going to happen. I wish they would accept this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG for a second I thought-did I write this? Do we have the same family? My mother takes it a step further and has anger fits at me for not playing along for her sake. It is and I quite "so embarrassing" to her that I don't at least keep up appearances. I don't plan to be estranged, but I do less than you do at this point. She is toxic and my life is a living hell right now.

I completely relate to them never criticizing my sister, in fact the cater to her. Over the years plenty of people have chimed in about her nutty behavior from grandparents to aunts and uncles and teachers and they are ALL wrong and must play the game.

They may never accept it. The key is to stay calm and not get sucked in. When they push it change the subject or end the visit or call calmly. Throw it back politely, "It sounds like you wish things were different."

I too used to get angry, but you have to step back emotionally and see it for what it is. They are not going to change so you need to detach. I found the book recommended here Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents helpful.

NP. I had the same thought and wondered if I posted this, except my issue is my brother. After years of a toxic relationship where I was often the recipient of insults, cursing and anger, I finally put my foot down. My brother nearly lost his mind because I refused to be his punching bag and my mother could not accept that I was not ‘supporting’ my brother because he is alone and lonely. Well maybe there is a reason for that?!! Anyways, my mother would constantly bring it up. I have been seeing my therapist to help deal with enforcing my boundaries but my mom would bring it up every chance she got and set me back emotionally. I finally gave my parents an ultimatum that if they don’t speak to my therapist, then our relationship will change as well. Thankfully they agreed and after a very painful therapy session, we have made some progress. It has actually helped my relationship with my brother and we are able to have a cordial text relationship. My mom once lamented that our relationship will never be the same and I had to say yes, you’re right, and I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels ‘close’ to me.

Agree with PPs that you definitely need to detach and enforce boundaries for your own mental health. Stay strong OP.

I am the one you are responding to and I think we are the like soul sisters or something. My cruel sister is alone and lonely and does really toxic things to me and my parents were livid I would not be her punching bag and didn't just feel sorry for her and let it go. I too got therapy and my mother especially was obsessed with insisting we be close and would set me back with the guilt trips, yelling, threats and manipulations until I detached. Like another person mentioned I had to keep stepping from them too. It was clear my sister was the favorite and my well-being and need to be treated with respect did not matter to them. The family rule was we must walk on eggshells and fire to keep her happy and that was not a rule I would follow. I relate complete to "I don't want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels close to me." Exactly. It was a constant pull to be competitive or cater to her or comfort her or put up with her slights and cruel acts and I am just.done. Somehow I was the demon and anything she did was acceptable. No thank you. After over a year of mom yelling at me and telling me I am horrible person she seems to accept it. Dad has faded.

Pp with the ‘lonely’ brother. I totally feel the same way and sending you hugs (and to everyone on here feeling sad about sibling relationships). It’s tough because I’m sure we all care about our siblings but it’s also a bitter pill knowing (or feeling) our parents favor or consider the feelings of our siblings as more important. I’m trying to make sure I don’t inadvertently create this dynamic with my own kids. I hope that we can all start to normalize healthy relationships and stop trying to force unhealthy relationships just because we are related. I’m so grateful for this forum, it has really helped me feel less alone. Sending healing vibes to all of you!!

[Anonymous]

Your parents’ pushing is why you cannot seem to make peace with your sis.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your parents that you and your sister are adults and will work your relationship out between yourselves. Your parents are still stuck in that parent role where they feel like they have to intervene. Tell them their job is done and its not their place any more. Also tell them that you are happy to have family functions and holidays all together (they could be worried about that) and then tell them you don't want to talk about it anymore. Tell them its unfair on your sister to be talking about her behind her back and that any business between the two of you needs to be handled between the two of you only not with the whole family. Then after that shut down any conversation regarding your sister and the problems you have.

You sound like you have worked out how much contact you want with your sister and that is all the matters.

This won't be a problem with your parents if you refuse to discuss it with them and ultimately it is not their business. It will lead to further problems if you discuss your sister in this manner behind her back. If it gets back to her you may find there will be bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

It's always the sibling or the in law or the spouse that is the problem. It's never the OP.