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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OMG for a second I thought-did I write this? Do we have the same family? My mother takes it a step further and has anger fits at me for not playing along for her sake. It is and I quite "so embarrassing" to her that I don't at least keep up appearances. I don't plan to be estranged, but I do less than you do at this point. She is toxic and my life is a living hell right now.

I completely relate to them never criticizing my sister, in fact the cater to her. Over the years plenty of people have chimed in about her nutty behavior from grandparents to aunts and uncles and teachers and they are ALL wrong and must play the game.

They may never accept it. The key is to stay calm and not get sucked in. When they push it change the subject or end the visit or call calmly. Throw it back politely, "It sounds like you wish things were different."

I too used to get angry, but you have to step back emotionally and see it for what it is. They are not going to change so you need to detach. I found the book recommended here Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents helpful.[/quote]

NP. I had the same thought and wondered if I posted this, except my issue is my brother. After years of a toxic relationship where I was often the recipient of insults, cursing and anger, I finally put my foot down. My brother nearly lost his mind because I refused to be his punching bag and my mother could not accept that I was not ‘supporting’ my brother because he is alone and lonely. Well maybe there is a reason for that?!! Anyways, my mother would constantly bring it up. I have been seeing my therapist to help deal with enforcing my boundaries but my mom would bring it up every chance she got and set me back emotionally. I finally gave my parents an ultimatum that if they don’t speak to my therapist, then our relationship will change as well. Thankfully they agreed and after a very painful therapy session, we have made some progress. It has actually helped my relationship with my brother and we are able to have a cordial text relationship. My mom once lamented that our relationship will never be the same and I had to say yes, you’re right, and I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels ‘close’ to me.

Agree with PPs that you definitely need to detach and enforce boundaries for your own mental health. Stay strong OP. [/quote]

I am the one you are responding to and I think we are the like soul sisters or something. My cruel sister is alone and lonely and does really toxic things to me and my parents were livid I would not be her punching bag and didn't just feel sorry for her and let it go. I too got therapy and my mother especially was obsessed with insisting we be close and would set me back with the guilt trips, yelling, threats and manipulations until I detached. Like another person mentioned I had to keep stepping from them too. It was clear my sister was the favorite and my well-being and need to be treated with respect did not matter to them. The family rule was we must walk on eggshells and fire to keep her happy and that was not a rule I would follow. I relate complete to "I don't want to feel like crap just so my sibling feels close to me." Exactly. It was a constant pull to be competitive or cater to her or comfort her or put up with her slights and cruel acts and I am just.done. Somehow I was the demon and anything she did was acceptable. No thank you. After over a year of mom yelling at me and telling me I am horrible person she seems to accept it. Dad has faded.[/quote]

Pp with the ‘lonely’ brother. I totally feel the same way and sending you hugs (and to everyone on here feeling sad about sibling relationships). It’s tough because I’m sure we all care about our siblings but it’s also a bitter pill knowing (or feeling) our parents favor or consider the feelings of our siblings as more important. I’m trying to make sure I don’t inadvertently create this dynamic with my own kids. I hope that we can all start to normalize healthy relationships and stop trying to force unhealthy relationships just because we are related. I’m so grateful for this forum, it has really helped me feel less alone. Sending healing vibes to all of you!![/quote]

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