I get so angry with how my teen daughter dresses

[Anonymous]

This morning she was wearing ultra high waisted lululemon leggings, with a gray sweater. She had tucked the sweater into the lower band of her bra, imagine a sort of draping effect, but exposing about 3-4" of skin above the ultra high waist of the leggings.

This happens with her, every so often she takes school appropriate clothes and transforms them into something overly revealing or inappropriate for school.

I get personally upset. We've been through the rules 1000 times, I hate morning battles, and I feel upset my daughter is on board with societies sexualize kids culture. I just don't get it. And I don't like how hard she is trying to force wearing stuff like this when the venue (and weather) demand otherwise. Why do kids do this. How do I not get so upset about it. I am a victim of sexual assault and my ex was extremely crude and know this affects it too.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever wear regretably bad fashions as a teen that your parents did not like? I try to remember that I did that when dd walks out of her room wearing something unfortunate and ended up knowing better.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry about your past issues. I would gently say you really need to separate and explore your fears about what could happen to her vs. her right to enjoy her body and experiment with her appearance. Your current path leads to her just hiding her “unacceptable” behaviors from you because you can’t handle it.

Experiment with a long break from giving her rules about dressing. Remove the power struggle entirely.

[Anonymous]

One other important point: you think your daughter is on board with sexuality’s culture but the opposite is true. She’s experimenting with how she wants to dress and you are implying she should change it based on the messed up values of our culture.

[Anonymous]

Okay so let me get this straight. She’s wearing long ultra high waisted pants, long sleeves, and three inches of torso enrages you?

Do you remember the low rise jeans of the 2000s that barely covered our pubic bones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning she was wearing ultra high waisted lululemon leggings, with a gray sweater. She had tucked the sweater into the lower band of her bra, imagine a sort of draping effect, but exposing about 3-4" of skin above the ultra high waist of the leggings.

This happens with her, every so often she takes school appropriate clothes and transforms them into something overly revealing or inappropriate for school.

I get personally upset. We've been through the rules 1000 times, I hate morning battles, and I feel upset my daughter is on board with societies sexualize kids culture. I just don't get it. And I don't like how hard she is trying to force wearing stuff like this when the venue (and weather) demand otherwise. Why do kids do this. How do I not get so upset about it. I am a victim of sexual assault and my ex was extremely crude and know this affects it too.

This sounds like a you problem. Seek help from a mental health professional.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be taking her fashion choices personally when it has nothing to do with you. I'm not suggesting you should like what she chooses, or that you can't impose some reasonable limitations on what she can wear to school, but this is her way of figuring out her own style and identity. Plenty of parents have had similar battles with their teenagers. This is nothing new.

Personally, the outfit sounds a bit weird and uncomfortable to my 40-something ears (tucking shirts into your bra band?) but it doesn't sound that horrible for the weekend. I draw the line at bare midriffs at school.

[Anonymous]

I hear your frustration. So instead of battling in the morning - have conversations about your concerns.

I have found listening to podcasts my DD likes in the car with her has opened us up to a lot of conversations.

My kid loves "Your Wrong About" and "Maintenance Phase" but find out what works for you. Through these shared media, we talk about what we thought - what surprised us etc. We have had conversations about body image, fat shaming, domestic violence (Lorena Bobbitt and OJ Simpson) etc. I have found when we are not making it personal, the conversations are easier.

[Anonymous]

It’s your hang-up, OP.
I think she dresses creatively yet still within your strictures. It’s not elegant! But it’s not off the charts inappropriate either.

Relax and work on your past.

[Anonymous]

You can’t take this personally you have to stop that right now. She is trying to be edgy and push boundaries in an attempt to find her own way, all teenagers do that whether it’s cigarettes, clothes, etc. they are hard wired to be daring.

Doesn’t mean you don’t have rules she must respect. Rules like no exposed stomach skin. Try to allow her lots of creative leeway though, she sounds very creative you don’t necessarily want yo crush that. Try to encourage her fashion interest in other ways (fashion design classes?)

[Anonymous]

Crop tops are in and all I see the teens wearing when I drop my DD off at school.

She wears them as well, but with a flannel over them.

I think they're fine with high waisted pants. I don't think they technically pass dresscode, but she's not been dresscoded and says that the school ignores crop tops. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Amygdala hijack. A combination of past trauma and a pattern of frustration with your daughter is causing this situation to activate your fight-or-flight response. Dealing with teenagers is tricky and requires a lot of subtle emotional control. Once the adrenalin starts to flow you'll find your can't do it and things like your body language and tone of voice are operating on instinct. You need to talk to a therapist (maybe someone who does CBT) to help unravel the emotional triggers. In the meantime, you have to recognize the situations before they happen so you don't feel blindsided. Then, learn to recognize the physical signs so you can tell when it's happening. Then, when you can tell it's happening, tell the kid you are tabling the conversation and take a few minutes until the feeling passes, then come back to it (this last part is key, you have to come back to it or the teenager will sense it and walk all over you, even if they don't realize it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning she was wearing ultra high waisted lululemon leggings, with a gray sweater. She had tucked the sweater into the lower band of her bra, imagine a sort of draping effect, but exposing about 3-4" of skin above the ultra high waist of the leggings.

This happens with her, every so often she takes school appropriate clothes and transforms them into something overly revealing or inappropriate for school.

I get personally upset. We've been through the rules 1000 times, I hate morning battles, and I feel upset my daughter is on board with societies sexualize kids culture. I just don't get it. And I don't like how hard she is trying to force wearing stuff like this when the venue (and weather) demand otherwise. Why do kids do this. How do I not get so upset about it. I am a victim of sexual assault and my ex was extremely crude and know this affects it too.

OMG you are blaming your daughter? I am very sorry that happened to you however you are being ridiculous.

She is not turning on men so they can have an opportunity to assault her.

You must be a troll. No mother would do this to their daughter.

She's dressing this way because of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning she was wearing ultra high waisted lululemon leggings, with a gray sweater. She had tucked the sweater into the lower band of her bra, imagine a sort of draping effect, but exposing about 3-4" of skin above the ultra high waist of the leggings.

This happens with her, every so often she takes school appropriate clothes and transforms them into something overly revealing or inappropriate for school.

I get personally upset. We've been through the rules 1000 times, I hate morning battles, and I feel upset my daughter is on board with societies sexualize kids culture. I just don't get it. And I don't like how hard she is trying to force wearing stuff like this when the venue (and weather) demand otherwise. Why do kids do this. How do I not get so upset about it. I am a victim of sexual assault and my ex was extremely crude and know this affects it too.

I would be upset too. Sorry you are copping so much flack about your legit concerns for your DD. School is for education not an avant- garde fashion show for pushing the limits of what is socially acceptable. Many teachers and support staff spend a lot of time to create thoughtful classes and environments and it is easy to undermine positive learning environments with heavy peer pressure on risqué fashions.

It is very non PC to advise girls to dress modestly for their own self respect, but I agree with you. I also would not allow our son to wear a lot of current guy fashions - pants dropping below bum, nose cartilage piercings etc. So many teen images that are popular on Tik Tok/ social media are trashy but some are cool creative without looking disrespectful.

That said, the world can be dangerous for all young women (eg DMV a hot spot for teen sex trafficking), and it is not just young women who dress proactively at risk. Most sexual assaults take place either at home by known people or on campuses. Not sure dress will help much with that - still so much work to do to create safer world for our daughters.

[Anonymous]

I am pretty conservative in dressing (eg no two piece bathing suits for little girls) but 3-4 inches of exposed tummy on a teen doesn’t sound too bad to me? If it’s disruptive to the school environment, the school can set guidelines. If it’s offensive to you, then you have the right to set your rules, but maybe you should discuss with her the reasons you put in this post, and let her respond? Let it me a two-way conversation that hopefully ends in a mutually acceptable compromise.