I get so angry with how my teen daughter dresses

[Anonymous]

Op. Have you ever had therapy for your assault? I'm hearing a lot of self blame that is transferring to hatred of a certain style of dress that you are projecting on to your daughter. What those men did to you was not your fault. It was not your fault. . And while I am empathetic to your fears for your daughter you are giving her the wrong message about sexual assault that it can be her fault and be prevented by how she dresses.

Please talk to a therapist so you can heal and so you don't ruin your relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Have you ever had therapy for your assault? I'm hearing a lot of self blame that is transferring to hatred of a certain style of dress that you are projecting on to your daughter. What those men did to you was not your fault. It was not your fault. . And while I am empathetic to your fears for your daughter you are giving her the wrong message about sexual assault that it can be her fault and be prevented by how she dresses.

Please talk to a therapist so you can heal and so you don't ruin your relationship with your daughter.

+1000 to this.

Your daughter dressing with high waisted leggings is not sexualizing her outfit. You are projecting onto her. She is dressing how she feels good about herself. Please talk to someone about the assault and realize that you could have been wearing anything and creeps will be creeps.

[Anonymous]

If it is okay with the school dress code and weather, I wouldn't step in. If it is going to end in a phone call home for new clothes to be dropped off, than I'm stepping.

I don't know if your school district has a dress code, but if bare midriffs are okay, she's probably fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

But she’s not 7, she’s a teen, and many kids DO start having sex at 16-17, because their bodies are biologically wired for that. It’s also unfair and dangerous for us to bury our heads in the sand or pretend like that’s not going to happen. They need sex Ed, birth control of course, and education about consent. I’m not sure it’s fair for you to say a 16 year old wanting to appear sexy to other teens is wrong or somehow groomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

But she’s not 7, she’s a teen, and many kids DO start having sex at 16-17, because their bodies are biologically wired for that. It’s also unfair and dangerous for us to bury our heads in the sand or pretend like that’s not going to happen. They need sex Ed, birth control of course, and education about consent. I’m not sure it’s fair for you to say a 16 year old wanting to appear sexy to other teens is wrong or somehow groomed.

+1 there’s nothing wrong or surprising with teens wanting to appear attractive to their peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.[/quote


Don't blame society for a teen trying to appear attractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry about your past issues. I would gently say you really need to separate and explore your fears about what could happen to her vs. her right to enjoy her body and experiment with her appearance. Your current path leads to her just hiding her “unacceptable” behaviors from you because you can’t handle it.

Experiment with a long break from giving her rules about dressing. Remove the power struggle entirely.

I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.[/quote


Don't blame society for a teen trying to appear attractive

Do you think sex is the only way to look attractive? Girls in scant clothing with super styled hair and loads of make up, young girls dressed like college girls going to the bar - do you think that screams confident & attractive? Because I don't. And if it does, it shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.[/quote


Don't blame society for a teen trying to appear attractive

Do you think sex is the only way to look attractive? Girls in scant clothing with super styled hair and loads of make up, young girls dressed like college girls going to the bar - do you think that screams confident & attractive? Because I don't. And if it does, it shouldn't.

+1 It’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for sharing opinions and feedback. Yes I'm in therapy and have been for years. My teen is touching on aspects of issues that haven't been resolved yet. Yes I'm taking responsibility for that.

The below is the crux of the issue. And I haven't shared everything else that makes this about more than just a choice of top.

But I hate that girls are being marketed to the way they are. Put a crop top on a 7 year old and they'll pose sticking out their hips and pelvis. Girls start early with the lip biting and pouting. That's what the models do, that's what society says girls are supposed to be like. Why. Whose desires are these.

I came here to vent, this issue upsets me. My anger has been heard and I'm working on not emotionally reacting but just being the mom. TY all, I'm enjoying reading everyone's thoughts/opinions/parenting practices. I appreciate the help!

Anonymous wrote: I agree that you should try to remove the power struggle element. But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

But she’s not 7, she’s a teen, and many kids DO start having sex at 16-17, because their bodies are biologically wired for that. It’s also unfair and dangerous for us to bury our heads in the sand or pretend like that’s not going to happen. They need sex Ed, birth control of course, and education about consent. I’m not sure it’s fair for you to say a 16 year old wanting to appear sexy to other teens is wrong or somehow groomed.

+1 there’s nothing wrong or surprising with teens wanting to appear attractive to their peers.

One of the PP mentioned this, but she's dressing like this for the other girls to notice, not for the boys. When I was that age, it was a competition between girls to be the most hip and fashionable and be higher in the pecking order. We didn't even care about boys.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the responses. But when I feel my DD has gone too far, I tell her in a calm, non-judgmental way that I am not sure. But, I think she maybe looks thirsty.

Sometimes that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But I completely HEAR YOU on how upsetting it is that our society normalizes this sexualizing minors, obviously just girls, and call it girls "enjoying their bodies". They are only copying what they see online which is sometimes soft porn-like behaviors and pedophile attitudes. It's actually really twisted and sick and it is not "girl power" at all.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

She's wearing clothing that's in style right now among young women. Frankly, I think they all look stupid, because it's not a flattering look on anyone, but I, too, wore unfortunate-but-trendy clothing as a teen, so keep my mouth shut.

The thing I think OP needs to work on is the part where she takes it personally and it makes her angry. That's not a recipe for dealing with this in any kind of constructive or respectful manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you think sex is the only way to look attractive? Girls in scant clothing with super styled hair and loads of make up, young girls dressed like college girls going to the bar - do you think that screams confident & attractive? Because I don't. And if it does, it shouldn't.

They're not choosing their clothes for your approval, PP. Or mine. Remember in the early 2000s, when all of the girls wore bell bottom pants that were too long and got stepped on? I personally didn't think that was attractive, or even functional. Did anybody care about my opinion? Nope. Nor did I expect them to.

If they want your opinion, they'll ask for it.