Beating the dead horse again (sexless marriage)

[Anonymous]

I am a female, 35, with 2 kids, ages 5 and 8. DH (same age) has been sexually avoiding me for three years now. I don’t have a crazy high sex drive when on a pill, so I got off it, but he has developed anxiety that I’d get pregnant even if he uses a condom. I would love a third kid, but he’s vehemently against it, so we aren’t having another.

Yet, there is no sex but many comments about how I need to be more in shape, how he needs to be more in shape, how we look old, how we have too many kids. All the comments are in response to my sexual advances. Recently I suggested we open our marriage. He was horrified. I don't even know who we are opening it to, tbh, I don't want to bang strangers, but I want to feel desired. Plus, I am horny. DH said I am gross for suggesting it, which is fine, and he will sleep with me. I don't want his pity sex. I think I am going mad with hurt and hormones. I started to develop random crushes. I feel like a horny lonely teenager.

We are not divorcing. Should I get on a pill since it kills my libido, or should I accept the pity sex?

[Anonymous]

Start with couples therapy. He sounds terrified of having another kid, so I'd suggest he get a vasectomy as well. Those two things might help you get back on track.

[Anonymous]

He's also terrified of medical procedures, so no vasectomy.

-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start with couples therapy. He sounds terrified of having another kid, so I'd suggest he get a vasectomy as well. Those two things might help you get back on track.

I would do a few sessions of individual therapy first. This is a ton to deal with.

And OP it really, really sucks that he won’t get a vasectomy. What a bummer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's also terrified of medical procedures, so no vasectomy.

-op

Have a tubal. Then, if he won’t have you, you won’t have to worry about accidents with an AP

[Anonymous]

What about an IUD? Or, a tubal ligation?

Is he interest in non-PIV sex? Is he affectionate?

[Anonymous]

Don't accept pity sex. He needs to work with you to have a sex life with you that makes you both happy.

If he refuses, it's over.

-A husband

[Anonymous]

Maybe the bigger problem he needs to address is anxiety.
I’d accept the pity sex. It may be one of those things where the thought makes him anxious, but doing it will be good and he’ll feel more comfortable as me gets used to it again. The pill is always there as an alternative, but don’t make that the first choice.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed to not have another child and the pill kills your libido and work on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. If divorce is off the table, you should tell your husband you are no longer his sexual partner. You should then tell him you are going to seek a friends with benefits relationship while still meeting your obligations as a mother. To maintain the status quo will require you to have no sexual outlet for the rest of your life. That is not a realistic outcome for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed not to have another child and the pill kills your libido and works on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you, but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

I asked to open the marriage because I myself feel more mad at him than anything else in terms of sex. I feel that my crushes may grow into something. I have not thought this part through at all. He’s fine being just parents and buddies, and we are a good team in that regard. You’d never know we have no sex. I also had a night sex drive before kids but I was naive and relatively inexperienced and thought sex does not matter.

I tried to be accommodating and understanding but I am not sure whether, at this point, I want sex with him. It’s been 3 years, ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed not to have another child and the pill kills your libido and works on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you, but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

I asked to open the marriage because I myself feel more mad at him than anything else in terms of sex. I feel that my crushes may grow into something. I have not thought this part through at all. He’s fine being just parents and buddies, and we are a good team in that regard. You’d never know we have no sex. I also had a night sex drive before kids but I was naive and relatively inexperienced and thought sex does not matter.

I tried to be accommodating and understanding but I am not sure whether, at this point, I want sex with him. It’s been 3 years, ffs.

*higher

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you in my mid thirties. 2 kids and husband's interest in sex tapered off to nothing. He recoiled every time I made advances and when I tried to talk about it, he told me that people stop being intimate after they have kids and how he was gaining weight and out of shape. I also asked to open the marriage, out of desperation, not because I really wanted to, and he said No way. After 10 years of conversations going nowhere and bringing up divorce and trying all sorts of things, I met someone, developed a huge crush that turned into an affair. I was so easy to convince to have the affair because I was so desperate for attention and sex. It ended after 3 years because the AP was single and met someone who he eventually married and had a family with. I'm still in a sexless marriage, and our marriage is great in every other way. My husband is completely content this way. If I could go back in time, I would have tried to go to couples therapy, I just didn't know this was a common problem back then. I was always so embarrassed, I thought I was the only one in a sexless marriage, all my friends would complain that their husbands always wanted sex and they were just too tired... I was so jealous! So that's my advice, try couple's therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed not to have another child and the pill kills your libido and works on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you, but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

I asked to open the marriage because I myself feel more mad at him than anything else in terms of sex. I feel that my crushes may grow into something. I have not thought this part through at all. He’s fine being just parents and buddies, and we are a good team in that regard. You’d never know we have no sex. I also had a night sex drive before kids but I was naive and relatively inexperienced and thought sex does not matter.

I tried to be accommodating and understanding but I am not sure whether, at this point, I want sex with him. It’s been 3 years, ffs.

*higher

He sounds like he has real issues. I would tell him if he doesn’t want to divorce, he needs to start therapy with you immediately. Give him 3-6 months to get things going again, at that point if you have to open the marriage then hopefully he’ll at least accept it. I think opening now though will create more issues than it solves. You also sound as if you’re hungering for real intimacy, unclear whether you will be able to get that from an affair. Good luck… it’s definitely possible to light a flame again, but you need a willing partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed not to have another child and the pill kills your libido and works on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you, but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

I asked to open the marriage because I myself feel more mad at him than anything else in terms of sex. I feel that my crushes may grow into something. I have not thought this part through at all. He’s fine being just parents and buddies, and we are a good team in that regard. You’d never know we have no sex. I also had a night sex drive before kids but I was naive and relatively inexperienced and thought sex does not matter.

I tried to be accommodating and understanding but I am not sure whether, at this point, I want sex with him. It’s been 3 years, ffs.

*higher

He sounds like he has real issues. I would tell him if he doesn’t want to divorce, he needs to start therapy with you immediately. Give him 3-6 months to get things going again, at that point if you have to open the marriage then hopefully he’ll at least accept it. I think opening now though will create more issues than it solves. You also sound as if you’re hungering for real intimacy, unclear whether you will be able to get that from an affair. Good luck… it’s definitely possible to light a flame again, but you need a willing partner.

By issues, I mean that he sounds as if he doesn’t love himself. Comments about his body, about opening the marriage… he almost sounds disgusted by sex and desire. I am not saying every guy needs to be open minded but his reaction is extreme. Hopefully he’ll figure out how to work through it. Could he be depressed?