Beating the dead horse again (sexless marriage)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels really gross to be the person “receiving” pity sex. The person giving it does not want to do it whatsoever and they are forcing themselves to. It absolutely does not feel like it’s consensual, and is definitely not loving or enjoyable.

+1

Life is too short for pity sex. I'd rather masturbate than feel like I'm violating my spouse's wants/needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your situation for years. It doesn't get better. I wonder if he is gay or has some hangup. This is not normal.

No real advice but if you were looking for permission to have an affair, 3 years of sexlessness is plenty of an excuse

It really isn’t.

It really is. Be grateful you haven’t experienced it.[/quote

NP. It really isn’t.

[Anonymous]

One or both of the children were “surprises“. OP decided to quit birth control for her “libido‘s sake“ but DH doesn’t trust her to not get accidentally pregnant again. Opening the marriage was an idea thrown in anger, OP is resentful that DH doesn’t want anymore kids. OP, if you really like this guy, go back on birth control and try to give up the idea of a third baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One or both of the children were “surprises“. OP decided to quit birth control for her “libido‘s sake“ but DH doesn’t trust her to not get accidentally pregnant again. Opening the marriage was an idea thrown in anger, OP is resentful that DH doesn’t want anymore kids. OP, if you really like this guy, go back on birth control and try to give up the idea of a third baby.

None of them were surprised, in fact, we had to use fertility help to get them. Guess better next time.

-op

[Anonymous]

I divorced in this situation and I’ve never been happier. I stayed ten years too long. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

The reasons married men don't want to have sex with their wives is usually one of these:

Low testosterone
Gay
Not that into you (anymore)
Guilty about something

There's more but these probably cover 90% of all occurrences.

There's probably a fairly short list for women who don't want to have sex but that's another thread.

[Anonymous]

I am in a very similar situation although I am a man. The one massive red flag is your husband makes fun of you for trying to initiate.

This will be an unpopular answer but I gave myself permission to cheat. Like, the thought of being celibate forever was too much so I decided if the right opportunity came along I would take it.

Which I have, 2x in 5 years. It helps to realize I am not unlovable, like my wife makes me feel.

Give yourself space to explore your erotic side with other men. You may find that helps.

Sorry your DH is a dud, wish I could pair him with my wife.

[Anonymous]

The reasons married men don't want to have sex with their wives is usually one of these:

Low testosterone
Gay
Not that into you (anymore)
Guilty about something

Don’t forget porn. My spouse prefers masturbating to having sex with a willing and available spouse. Getting together my exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced in this situation and I’ve never been happier. I stayed ten years too long. Get out now.

Same, 10 years too long.

In most relationships, over time, often one partner slowly takes more and more advantage of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The reasons married men don't want to have sex with their wives is usually one of these:

Low testosterone
Gay
Not that into you (anymore)
Guilty about something

Don’t forget porn. My spouse prefers masturbating to having sex with a willing and available spouse. Getting together my exit plan.

"Not that into you (anymore)" is doing a lot of work here. That can be anything from -- you've gotten unattractive, to you are mean and manipulative, etc. These are things a wife can change, and in some cases, SHOULD change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a very similar situation although I am a man. The one massive red flag is your husband makes fun of you for trying to initiate.

This will be an unpopular answer but I gave myself permission to cheat. Like, the thought of being celibate forever was too much so I decided if the right opportunity came along I would take it.

Which I have, 2x in 5 years. It helps to realize I am not unlovable, like my wife makes me feel.

Give yourself space to explore your erotic side with other men. You may find that helps.

Sorry your DH is a dud, wish I could pair him with my wife.

Does your wife do other things to show love? Saying that a lack of sex "makes you feel unlovable" is a bit of a dramatic exaggeration.

I mean, I get that you want sex and so went out and got it. But it sounds like you are trying to make yourself out to be some victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to get a vasectomy since you have agreed not to have another child and the pill kills your libido and works on a plan to improve your fitness together. He raised the issue not you, but you can take the lead. Suggesting you open your marriage was pretty dumb but it’s water under the bridge. In terms of pity sex, why not have it and make it so worth his time and effort that he comes back for more.

I asked to open the marriage because I myself feel more mad at him than anything else in terms of sex. I feel that my crushes may grow into something. I have not thought this part through at all. He’s fine being just parents and buddies, and we are a good team in that regard. You’d never know we have no sex. I also had a night sex drive before kids but I was naive and relatively inexperienced and thought sex does not matter.

I tried to be accommodating and understanding but I am not sure whether, at this point, I want sex with him. It’s been 3 years, ffs.

You both are very immature. Seriously you chose to have kids and they are young so put them first!@ Yes you need to be on the pill, or he should get fixed. Get counseling ASAP, and yes stop thinking about others who could damage your marriage, or your kids. The fact you said that to your husband is pretty nasty indeed. Be an adult and work through the issues. You certainly shouldn't have more kids if this is how you are thinking. A stable home should be your priority, not sex at this point.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^^ Ignore the above, OP. Terrible advice and will only make you more resentful years from now.

There are many people on this board for whom sex and intimacy are not important. That's fine for them but for most people including you being rejected for sex will make you miserable, resentful and lonely.

Going back on the pill to suppress you libido is as insane as going on antidepressants for the same reason. The problem is your DH is withholding affection. Go to counseling. Or find sex outside the marriage and co-parenting peacefully until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's also terrified of medical procedures, so no vasectomy.

-op

What a selfish prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's also terrified of medical procedures, so no vasectomy.

-op

What a selfish prick.

+1
What a baby

Signed,
A man