How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will do anything to protect my two boys from knowing their father is a cheater because 80% of boys who have fathers that cheat do it themselves. I don’t want to destroy their identity. My husband is a good father even if he was shitty to me by cheating.

It is very painful and prevented me from confiding in many people I would normally turn to because I think it would get back to my boys unintentionally.

As much as I hate him for what he did, I bite my tongue hard about what he did. I will take it to the grave so they have a chance of breaking the multigenerational infidelity that has plagued his side of the family.

Your situation, OP, might be different because you mentioned he had multiple girlfriends. I would strongly advise that your daughter gets lots of therapy to deal with both the divorce and dad’s infidelity so she doesn’t grow up with daddy issues and do the things we despise about the women with these issues, e.g., screwing married, unavailable men.

I disagree that he is a good father. Good fathers don't lie about their commitment to their family/the mother of their children.

You are kidding yourself that your silence protects the kids from emulating their dad.

First of all, it must be very confusing and unsettling for them to have no true explanation for why you broke up.

Eventually , they will find out. And it will confirm that there are no honest communications between family members in your household. You AND your husband will both be perceived as deceptive. THey will learn you cannot trust those you love.

Break THAT chain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why would you want to keep the other woman away from the child?

I understand the hurt feelings because she was the affair partner, but unless she is abusive to your child or has other behavioral or psychological issues that put your child’s wellbeing at risk, there is no reason for you to prevent your child from being around her.

How old is your child? Is there conflict? Did the child express any reasons not to want to be around her?

As much as it hurts you, it’s probably now best for child to normalize back relationships including with the dad and his partner.

My child is 13. She's not abusive from what I hear she's a lovely person even though she's a homewrecker. She doesn't have children and I am worried about her trying to mother my child. My child already has a mother.

I know it stings for you but this is much much better than the new wife who wants nothing to do with the husbands kids, and cuts them out and/or makes their lives miserable. We have had that happen in our family. G-d forbid they have a kid, make sure you don't make your kid feel like they can't be excited about a new sibling.

This rings true for me. In the years since my ex remarried, she has consistently done things that devalued the kids - inviting them for sleepover then leaving them home alone while she and DH went to parties with her friends, DH moved into her 3 bedroom (where 1 bedroom was made into a walk in closet and the second was an office), never bought the kids real beds or made them a living space, then moved into a 2 bedroom condo that they bought for the price of a 3 bedroom SFH, advocated to DH to cut child support, etc.

It has been very painful seeing the reaction of my kids. DH is as much to blame as his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will do anything to protect my two boys from knowing their father is a cheater because 80% of boys who have fathers that cheat do it themselves. I don’t want to destroy their identity. My husband is a good father even if he was shitty to me by cheating.

It is very painful and prevented me from confiding in many people I would normally turn to because I think it would get back to my boys unintentionally.

As much as I hate him for what he did, I bite my tongue hard about what he did. I will take it to the grave so they have a chance of breaking the multigenerational infidelity that has plagued his side of the family.

Your situation, OP, might be different because you mentioned he had multiple girlfriends. I would strongly advise that your daughter gets lots of therapy to deal with both the divorce and dad’s infidelity so she doesn’t grow up with daddy issues and do the things we despise about the women with these issues, e.g., screwing married, unavailable men.

100% agree

You are a great mom.

You are not a great mom to keep your kids from their Dad for who they are dating. 80% of boys don't cheat. That is non-sense.

Wtf are you talking about? I’m not keeping my boys from their father.

And I said 80% of boys WHO HAD FATHERS that cheated will cheat. Not 80% of all boys.

Since 25% of men have affairs which cause divorce those are the boys we are talking about.

Google it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will do anything to protect my two boys from knowing their father is a cheater because 80% of boys who have fathers that cheat do it themselves. I don’t want to destroy their identity. My husband is a good father even if he was shitty to me by cheating.

It is very painful and prevented me from confiding in many people I would normally turn to because I think it would get back to my boys unintentionally.

As much as I hate him for what he did, I bite my tongue hard about what he did. I will take it to the grave so they have a chance of breaking the multigenerational infidelity that has plagued his side of the family.

Your situation, OP, might be different because you mentioned he had multiple girlfriends. I would strongly advise that your daughter gets lots of therapy to deal with both the divorce and dad’s infidelity so she doesn’t grow up with daddy issues and do the things we despise about the women with these issues, e.g., screwing married, unavailable men.

I disagree that he is a good father. Good fathers don't lie about their commitment to their family/the mother of their children.

You are kidding yourself that your silence protects the kids from emulating their dad.

First of all, it must be very confusing and unsettling for them to have no true explanation for why you broke up.

Eventually , they will find out. And it will confirm that there are no honest communications between family members in your household. You AND your husband will both be perceived as deceptive. THey will learn you cannot trust those you love.

Break THAT chain.

They are too young now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

Love it!!

[Anonymous]

Op, this sucks, but there is nothing you can do.

I would never date a separated or married dad for this reason. I only date men who are formally divorced. I’ve had separated dads ask me out and I say no way. I don’t want your kids or anyone else to at all impalacate me as having a role in the divorce.

I am dating someone with teens and I don’t even remotely try to be their mom. I am not their mom and never will be. I wouldn’t get all worried about another woman trying to take your place. She want your husband, not your kids.

There is nothing you can do to prevent her from being around your daughter. Taking the high road and not saying anything negwtive to your daughter is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this sucks, but there is nothing you can do.

I would never date a separated or married dad for this reason. I only date men who are formally divorced. I’ve had separated dads ask me out and I say no way. I don’t want your kids or anyone else to at all impalacate me as having a role in the divorce.

I am dating someone with teens and I don’t even remotely try to be their mom. I am not their mom and never will be. I wouldn’t get all worried about another woman trying to take your place. She want your husband, not your kids.

There is nothing you can do to prevent her from being around your daughter. Taking the high road and not saying anything negwtive to your daughter is better.

When you become seriously involved with somebody you are part of their kids for the rest of their lives—holidays, kids’ weddings, etc. They are a package and will always be a priority in your boyfriend’s life no matter how long you are together or married.

You don’t “want” “just get” him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

I don't want to control him, but I should have a say-so who is around my child.

No, both her parents have that right. Not just one parent. You are mad at him. And her. Neither is a reason to dictate who sees your kid. I understand that you are angry and why. Understandably. But why do you feel that you have the upper hand in custody or decisions regarding your child because you were wronged? This isn't 1952. You both have moved on after a divorce. The child still belongs to both of you. Dad gets to decide how he raises her and who she is in contact with. He also has no right to interfere with your child raising decisions.

But, you are not in control of the child's contact with the AP. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

Love it!!

This is an example of how NOT to do it. This is incredibly stupid, toxic, and unbalanced. BTW, the "tramp " isn't the reason horse camp didn't happen. The AP partner clearly had a choice in her intentions if the man was married, but, beyond that- the Dad is the reason there is less money. After a while, the kid would, or already, has figured out priorities. You lose credibility for front loading the information. She will see who YOU are too- a bitter, revengeful, unbalanced, immature parent. She may come to rationalize why her father didn't respect you enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

You desperately need therapy. And your judgement about what is best for children is way way off. Please get help, if you care about salvaging your children’s mental health

Ditto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Ok. That’s HUGE. He’s moving a woman into his house who the child has never met before.

Now on visitation there will be some strange woman there. That is mentally damaging to the child.

He is an awful, selfish parent to not have prepared the child or you.

Yeah, he's a a$$, and OP is tragically hurt, but, still, OP is doing this all wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

Love it!!

Communicating clearly to your DD that her dad loves the trampoline more than her is doing as much to harm to your DD as missing the horse camp.

I’m saying this as both the DD of a man who had a secret family and as the XW of a man who bought his gf a car the day after he filed to reduce his CS to ~$120/mo.

[Anonymous]

My ex has had the kids go away for the weekend with women he met online- before we were divorced. Formally divorced two months ago and he just had the kids away for 5 days with her and her kids. There’s nothing I can do but be okay with it.

The sad thing is they know who their dad is- a sad loser who can’t be alone and a narcissist who needs constant supply.

I only have to answer for the parent I am to them- and I’m a damn good one. Control what you can control and do a good job.

[Anonymous]

Saying that kids dont need to know about adult relationships is a ridiculous and dated excuse intended to protect the person who blew up the marriage. If you value marriage and don't want your children to believe that it is normal and acceptable for a married couple to just divorce for no apparent reason, the worst thing you can do is keep your kid in the dark about why their entire world as they know it (kids are very self centered) is being torn apart. They need to know that you would only do this for a few very, very good reason because marriage is not something that you just do for a little while until you find someone better to okay with.

Unless of course you don't care what message you are sending your kids about marriage. These things DO impact them. There are entire books and studies dedicated to it. One good one is titled something aline the lines of The Truth about Kids and Divorce.

The key here is to tell them an age appropriate reason for the divorce in a way that doesn't sabotage their relationship with the other parent. And that is very challenging in emotiinalky charged situations... but it IS possible.