DH job misery

[Anonymous]

So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

[Anonymous]

Also, I am in no way saying that I want him to stay at his current job, I am just saying he should shop around a bit and try to find a job that meets us in the middle in addition to me working

[Anonymous]

If your husband is actually an alcoholic with some sort of significant mental health issues like bipolar, the job isn’t going to change a darn thing. You need to really figure out what the issue is, because staying married to a mentally ill alcoholic isn’t going to be tenable long term even if he makes seven figures.

Why have you stayed with a man who treats you like garbage? You need to get a plan.

[Anonymous]

Dentistry is a very high stress and high suicide profession. Google it, e.g. https://treloaronline.com/resources/stress-in-dentistry-how-common-is-it/

Shopping therapy is well known self medication. Women buy Birkins men buy watches. His extravagant spending is a symptom of his deep unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Drinking is also a common self-medication. He may or may not be an alcoholic. I drank nightly after driving home for over an hour in heavy Beltway traffic from a toxic job. I was literally shaking when I got home. When that job laid half of us off, I stopped drinking to self medicate before fixing dinner. I should have quit but I was making a lot of money for those times.

OP runs risk her dentist husband will do something drastic, lose career, and/or leave her. That's a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

LOL. Two peas in a pod. He probably resents you because of how you treat him. You're playing the victim. There's nothing horribly toxic about moving.

And...you'd like to build wealth, but you have none and work in

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you think having ANY full time job will make you both "overworked and miserable"? He's trying to find one with more balance where he WON'T be those things. I only make $130k, but I'm not overworked and miserable. My spouse makes around what you would make as a new hire teacher, and also isn't miserable or overworked. I guess the kids are "affected" by having two working parents, but you seem to be catastrophizing a very common situation and insisting only your husband should be affected. That's not teamwork.

[Anonymous]

OP - I was a SAHM for 15 years and then went into teaching with no background in education. It was tough but honestly I think my teens respected me for it. They were cheering me on and giving me advice on how to handle kids in the classroom. Also, we got very good health insurance for a good price through the school district. And now after 7 years, I’m making 90k without working in the summers. It is a very difficult job but also rewarding. And your teens might surprise you. There are several alternative pathways to teaching nowadays because of a shortage of teachers. Maybe dip your toe in with substitute teaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is so miserable in his job that he is making us all miserable. This has been going on for for years. It has made him a bit bipolar honestly - drinking, anger, mood swings etc. He recently decided he is going to try to get a job that pays half as much, which would put us in a situation where we can’t afford our life. We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle, but we do have a pretty high mortgage. I work part-time and would be willing to work more, but due to my line of work, my earning capacity is so much less than his. I also do everything with our children, house, finances, life, etc. literally all of it.
He likes being comfortable and being able to get lunch out or go to a movie when he wants (again, nothing extravagant) but none of this is registering to him right now, he just seems hell bent on taking this new job if he is offered it. How do I get him to see that life is expensive and we can’t just “cut back” bc there isn’t that much to cut back?

Jesus frucking christ - I thought you were going to complain that he SHOULD get a less demanding job but he won't and I was going to commiserate with you. Instead you want him to be miserable.

You cannot "get him to see" anything anymore than he has apparently been able to "get you to see" that you need to work FT and contribute more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

Says the woman who hasn't really worked in over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - oh no I actually mean bipolar tendencies at times, I wasn’t using it in a flippant way.
Give me some job ideas that can help me make 70 after being out of work for so long! I am not being sarcastic, I would love ideas. My current salary is more of a side hustle that I can’t turn into more and outside of anything that could be turned into more.

I can see why your husband is frustrated. Why can't you figure out how to make more money yourself if you have a master's degree? I mean, you could get any number of jobs like that. Hell, driving for Fed Ex or UPS can get into six figures. It sounds a lot like you don't really want to work more, which is rich when you think it would be so easy for your husband to just keep working at his miserable job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

Says the woman who hasn't really worked in over 20 years.

No kidding. How dismissive and obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is a lot. Thank you all. Obviously I have a lot of resentment for him about how he treated me when he was unhappy in his job, so this is multilayered. But I do appreciate all the feedback and honestly, I would love to get a job and have him keep his current job so that we could build wealth, but I do know that his mental health is more important.
I do think part of him not liking his current job is playing the victim, there’s nothing horribly toxic or hard about it.
And part of me thinks so silly for me to get a full-time job and have us both be overworked and miserable, and have it affect our kids, instead of him just staying in the job for a couple more months and looking for a different one.

Says the woman who hasn't really worked in over 20 years.

No kidding. How dismissive and obnoxious.

+1 I’ll add OP is lazy. I really hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you can live on 230k for the sake of your husband's sanity. get real.

This. You can move. Or get a 230k job yourself to make up for him taking a lower paying job.

Cry me a river. We lived off my ex’s 180k salary for a couple of years. When I wanted to divorce, I went back to work and earned the same amount of money to keep the lifestyle (which wasn’t extravagant because we were living on his income).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

If you cannot cover your bills on $230k of income, then you need to reduce the bills.

Which would mean moving! I am not a magician, I can’t just undo our life.

Yes, you can move.