Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

You guys were crappy parents but that’s all over with now. She’s 25. My parents never gave me a dime after I turned 16 when I moved out. You guys don’t even like her. Rewrite your will and give it all to charity, nieces and nephews. She’s an adult. You don’t have to live like this.

I think OP actually loves that the daughter asks for money because it allows her to retain a sense of control. It will drive her insane if and when the daughter breaks free because dominance and shaming is all she knows how to do.

This. She controls with money and the son dealt with it by getting away.

[Anonymous]

This is for OP.

This is my first post in this thread. I have read some of the thread but not it’s entirely. I am also a parent of two children in their twenties. One has launched successfully and one is still working on it - currently in graduate school after a few stumbles (including that Covid messed up their internship progression and their government job offer vanished with the current administration). Both are in STEM fields. We do not have the level of income you and your spouse have- we are closer to the $200k realm.

From my experience, being very strict with money and other expectations doesn’t work. “My way or the highway” attitudes destroy families. It seems to work with some kids because they adapt to their environment better than others and have a skill set the helps them, and are lucky. Giving grace helps more. Making sure our children have what they need to figure out the next steps is important. Making sure they have the minimum- a roof over their head, basic food, access to transportation, clothing is treating them humanely. Making sure they have things that will help them get employed is a real gift. For both our children, we gave them a car when they got internships that required them to have a car. We didn’t get a flashy one, but a used basic 3 year old CRV or Rav-4 type. This was pivotal is helping them find and keep jobs.

If you love your daughter and want her to succeed, you need to help her get to the next step. You are in a financial position to help more than other parents. You need to accept that she will not be the child you wanted her to be, but she is her own person. It’s a rough world out there right now and our kids need to be supported and not pushed away. They need love and acceptance.

From what you have posted, it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and is actively trying to get to the next phase of adulthood. She is actively looking for work (job market is very tough) and she is seeking out help to get there. These are positives.

I hope you can find grace and love in your heart to help your daughter through this tough time. You will not agree with some of her choices- this is not a failure in parenting - this is success. Children grow up to be the person they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going to assume all is true and try to be helpful. Parenting girls can be hard. Keep in mind the goal is to launch and maintain a relationship. So to that end, you need to really evaluate the comments to DD to make sure they are constructive and not mean. And don’t be baited by her comments. Nothing about her weight is constructive. At her age, it’s her business. Provide guidance and assistance in getting job or going to grad school. Talk to her about where she wants to get to and what possible paths get her there. There is no point readdressing her college major, what’s done is fine. If you find jointly find a path and you have the means, it’s okay to provide financial support on the path towards the goal. Like a certification or interview clothes. You must get out of the toxic interaction. I get it that it is frustrating, you provide all the opportunities and you daughters seems to waste them. But she is young and there is time for her to turn it around. But that turnaround will not come from you degrading her. You must acknowledge that and change your behavior too. I agree with not enabling her financially, she has to live the life she built for herself. But if you can be part of getting her to define goal and path to he goal that is invaluable. But nothing about past and nothing about about weight!

OP here. This is what I struggle with the most! She just absolutely REFUSES to accept the consequences of her (poor!) choices and tries to pull off insane shit like hacking into my Amazon Prime account because *surprise surprise*, a BA in English from a liberal arts college doesn't lead to steady employment.

Oh, and her goal and ultimate "path" in life that she wants for herself is to publish insane poetry about her "childhood trauma."

This has got to be a troll. And, by the way, English majors are very hireable as they know how to write and communicate.

Maybe English majors overall are very hirable, but my daughter is not. Her immaturity, entitlement, and annoying personality are VERY evident to any interviewer.

And who raised her?

+1 Funny how it’s always the horrible parents who complain when their children don’t turn out perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Did she ever need a neuropysch or have adhd or asd symptoms while growing up? You can still manage to get good grades, but end up angry and confused all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn’t work while in college? How does she pay rent now? The weight shaming is 100% uncool.

She worked a bunch of random jobs in college (manager of her school's garden, RA for prof), but these aren't jobs that are available for alumni at her school -- they only hire current students. She paid rent through a barista job, but she got fired a few months ago.

Being overweight (at a BMI of 25, which is on the cusp) is not "100% uncool." Being that overweight is a SIGNIFICANT impediment to getting a job offer as a young woman.

DCUM troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has a daughter who is now 29 in a horrible relationship, dead end job and always asking them for money.
Growing up, I didn’t see any issues with upbringing, their other kids are fine.
It really is the dd. It’s unfortunate the therapist is making things worse. A lot of them tell their patients what they want to hear so they keep going back for validation.
I wish I could offer you advice. Who is paying for her therapy? Is she on your insurance? You might need to find a therapist to help you navigate this. I totally understand thru my neighbor that it is impossible to point some people in the right direction.

She’s probably online all the time too so throwing psycho babble around constantly.

Hard to get them back and grounded with today’s social media and internet addictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Did she ever need a neuropysch or have adhd or asd symptoms while growing up? You can still manage to get good grades, but end up angry and confused all the time.

She has ADHD (speciously diagnosed in a neuropsych during her year off from college), but the same eval said no to ASD. Which makes sense, as she is pretty good at understanding subtext.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t make near what op makes but even right in my 40s if I called them up and said I was having trouble buying basic necessities they would help me. This thread is wild. What does op hate her daughter so much?

I do NOT hate my daughter. I think it's pathetic of her to rely on me and DH to buy basics like shampoo for her, and I told her that her poor decision making capabilities (majoring in English at Oberlin when she started college at HYPS and was a STEM major) would lead her to being underemployed. I told her when she was in school that DH and I wouldn't give her a SINGLE CENT after she graduated. We explicitly made it clear that we would NOT help her buy a used car after she graduated and that she was free to buy a car herself with car loans if she wanted a car but couldn't save up for one (which we knew would happen because she has a BA in a useless field).

We told her that she HAD to double major in a practical field because we knew she would end up in a position where she couldn't support herself with a BA in English. But of course, she wouldn't listen.

Oh and BTW PP, I think any adult who needs to rely on the bank of mom and dad to buy things like toiletries is, to put it simply, pathetic.

You sound like a horrible person.

I have three siblings, and all of us moved "back home" for various reasons 1 or more times in our 20s for 6 months to a year at a time, at different times. We were all working hard but needed a little help here and there. Things like, one of us was underemployed and had just broken up with a live in partner, so moved home for 6 months, then moved out once we landed a better paying job. Another of us got married super young but then moved home for awhile while their enlisted spouse was deployed to save money and also so they didn't have to live alone. This is perfectly normal...it is NORMAL for parents to care about their adult children and help them here and there in their 20s. They've also given us some help here and there on things like house down payments, cosigning on a car loan for one of us to get a better interest rate etc. It is normal for parents to care about their adult children and want to help them. I will do the same for mine when they reach adulthood too. And when our parents age more, WE will be helping them (just like they have also done for THEIR parents.)

You sound like a complete psychopath and it's insane someone on the internet needs to explain to you that it's normal for families to care about one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Trollin’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t make near what op makes but even right in my 40s if I called them up and said I was having trouble buying basic necessities they would help me. This thread is wild. What does op hate her daughter so much?

I do NOT hate my daughter. I think it's pathetic of her to rely on me and DH to buy basics like shampoo for her, and I told her that her poor decision making capabilities (majoring in English at Oberlin when she started college at HYPS and was a STEM major) would lead her to being underemployed. I told her when she was in school that DH and I wouldn't give her a SINGLE CENT after she graduated. We explicitly made it clear that we would NOT help her buy a used car after she graduated and that she was free to buy a car herself with car loans if she wanted a car but couldn't save up for one (which we knew would happen because she has a BA in a useless field).

We told her that she HAD to double major in a practical field because we knew she would end up in a position where she couldn't support herself with a BA in English. But of course, she wouldn't listen.

Oh and BTW PP, I think any adult who needs to rely on the bank of mom and dad to buy things like toiletries is, to put it simply, pathetic.

You sound like a horrible person.

I have three siblings, and all of us moved "back home" for various reasons 1 or more times in our 20s for 6 months to a year at a time, at different times. We were all working hard but needed a little help here and there. Things like, one of us was underemployed and had just broken up with a live in partner, so moved home for 6 months, then moved out once we landed a better paying job. Another of us got married super young but then moved home for awhile while their enlisted spouse was deployed to save money and also so they didn't have to live alone. This is perfectly normal...it is NORMAL for parents to care about their adult children and help them here and there in their 20s. They've also given us some help here and there on things like house down payments, cosigning on a car loan for one of us to get a better interest rate etc. It is normal for parents to care about their adult children and want to help them. I will do the same for mine when they reach adulthood too. And when our parents age more, WE will be helping them (just like they have also done for THEIR parents.)

You sound like a complete psychopath and it's insane someone on the internet needs to explain to you that it's normal for families to care about one another.

YOU are the one who sounds like a psychopath by armchair diagnosing random posters through your screen. Maybe your family gives money nilly willy to adult children, but DH and I definitely do NOT believe in that. At all.

And just because I'm not willing to let my daughter LITERALLY rob me and hack into my credit card doesn't mean that I "don't care about her."

Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t make near what op makes but even right in my 40s if I called them up and said I was having trouble buying basic necessities they would help me. This thread is wild. What does op hate her daughter so much?

I do NOT hate my daughter. I think it's pathetic of her to rely on me and DH to buy basics like shampoo for her, and I told her that her poor decision making capabilities (majoring in English at Oberlin when she started college at HYPS and was a STEM major) would lead her to being underemployed. I told her when she was in school that DH and I wouldn't give her a SINGLE CENT after she graduated. We explicitly made it clear that we would NOT help her buy a used car after she graduated and that she was free to buy a car herself with car loans if she wanted a car but couldn't save up for one (which we knew would happen because she has a BA in a useless field).

We told her that she HAD to double major in a practical field because we knew she would end up in a position where she couldn't support herself with a BA in English. But of course, she wouldn't listen.

Oh and BTW PP, I think any adult who needs to rely on the bank of mom and dad to buy things like toiletries is, to put it simply, pathetic.

You sound like a horrible person.

I have three siblings, and all of us moved "back home" for various reasons 1 or more times in our 20s for 6 months to a year at a time, at different times. We were all working hard but needed a little help here and there. Things like, one of us was underemployed and had just broken up with a live in partner, so moved home for 6 months, then moved out once we landed a better paying job. Another of us got married super young but then moved home for awhile while their enlisted spouse was deployed to save money and also so they didn't have to live alone. This is perfectly normal...it is NORMAL for parents to care about their adult children and help them here and there in their 20s. They've also given us some help here and there on things like house down payments, cosigning on a car loan for one of us to get a better interest rate etc. It is normal for parents to care about their adult children and want to help them. I will do the same for mine when they reach adulthood too. And when our parents age more, WE will be helping them (just like they have also done for THEIR parents.)

You sound like a complete psychopath and it's insane someone on the internet needs to explain to you that it's normal for families to care about one another.

YOU are the one who sounds like a psychopath by armchair diagnosing random posters through your screen. Maybe your family gives money nilly willy to adult children, but DH and I definitely do NOT believe in that. At all.

And just because I'm not willing to let my daughter LITERALLY rob me and hack into my credit card doesn't mean that I "don't care about her."

Jesus Christ.

If what you got out of my post is that my parents give money "willy nilly," I don't know what else to say.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll. Comes back every couple of months to spew stuff and rile everyone up.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll. Didn’t DD already hack something before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a troll. Didn’t DD already hack something before?

DD allegedly stole thousands. Credit card I think.

[Anonymous]

I think the saddest part of this whole post is how much you hate your daughter.

I can not imagine how damaged I would have been if my own mother felt or said these things about me when I was in my 20s.

I'm glad she's in therapy. You should try it too.