Why do women want to hang on to cheating men they seem to despise??

[Anonymous]

It's an actual survival instinct . . . if the caveman runs out of the cave and leaves you for another cavewoman, then your cavechildren might starve.

People who have been cheated on have had their autonomy stolen from them. They've been subjected to mindf*ckery and often emotional and psychological abuse.

I think it's a much better use of time to ponder why people do that when they could just leave a marriage instead, instead of why a person who's had their world turned upside down might not be instantly ready to walk away from so many things in their life.

[Anonymous]

The first time he cheated, I was a SAHM with a chronic illness and two preschoolers. I wanted to think that I was choosing to stay out of love and rational hope, but I think it was out of fear. Survival and taking care of your kids are powerful instincts.

He went to therapy, and life moved on. He's a generally well-respected person (my character and standing helped with that) and very very successful in his career. But he's also completely disorganized and, I believe, a functional alcoholic. He has very little self-awareness, empathy, or emotional resilience. I overfunctioned for him.

Then he fell in love again with his "friend." He claims it wasn't physical until he left because he "learned his lesson." Whatever, at this point, who cares. I need to focus on learning my lessons.

I will say that my feeling of wanting to yeet the other woman and hang on to my marriage only happened the first time around. The second time, I had learned enough about affairs to understand what this said about him. A person who could be given a second chance and then "accidentally" fall in love with his friend had learned nothing, not grown at all.

If I'd left ten years ago, I would not be set like I am today. He was making a fraction of his current salary then. Having been married ten years, I'd have gotten a few years of alimony. Now I have $10k/month in lifetime alimony. I have income from an LLC that I now own solely. I own an expensive house that I could sell if I needed to.

I didn't consciously say, oh, I should stay, it's too scary to leave. But yes, I felt that way. And I don't know what leaving what have looked like . . . certainly a lot more financial struggle than I'm now facing.

I know I'm an outlier. Most people don't get lifetime alimony these days, nor such a large amount. It's really hard to separate questions of survival from questions of the heart.

All these "why do women" questions generally boil down to . . . patriarchy.

I spent time on other women forums ten years ago because I really wanted to understand that mindset. They were also asking, "Why do women hang on to cheating men?" They seemed to believe that if the pesky wife would just release her vise-like grip on the poor guy, he'd run off with the other woman and live happily ever after. Well why was no one asking, "Why does anyone want this idiot at all? And why are acting like he isn't a grown man who is responsible for his own choices?"