Why do women want to hang on to cheating men they seem to despise??

[Anonymous]

If your spouse is cheating on you, it's generally a sign that he's unhappy in the marriage. And if you are completely blindsided, it means you have not been paying attention to signs of unhappiness in someone you supposedly love. Not excusing cheating: it's an unhealthy and hurtful way to act out. But I am kind of baffled by all the posts from women who say, at the same time, "that no good SOB cheated on me" and "like hell will I get divorced."

If he's just a no good SOB, why would you want to stay married? And do you not bear any responsibility for his cheating? Either you ignored his unhappiness or you have been a doormat and made him think there is no consequence for cheating.

Again, not justifying the cheating: if a man is unhappy, for whatever reason, he should use his words like a big boy, discuss and try to resolve the problems if possible, or leave the marriage if not possible. He should not lie. But successful marriages take two people. Both need to take some responsibility for the overall happiness of the marriage, and for trouble-shooting when things are not great. I see all these posts on here from women who both villify their cheating partners and insist that they aren't going to "let them" leave.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to let go of shared history and emotional, as well as material, investment in another human.

I don't have personal experience in that quarter, but that's how I understand it. I don't judge.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman whose husband told her he was unhappy for years. Mismatched libidos, and just not a lot of physical affection or romance in the marriage. She agreed to an open marriage for a while but then got furious when he developed feelings for one of the women he dated. At her insistence he broke it off with the other woman. Fast forward a few years, he tells her he wants to separate and she's shocked. Gets angry, says this is a betrayal, how dare he, and so on.

Eventually, he cheats, then moves out to be with the other woman and tells her he wants a divorces. She is shocked and betrayed, and trying to maniuplate him into coming back (telling him his adult children will hate him if he does't come back, getting her family to try to persuade him and so on).

I find this hard to understand. She is a friend so I make sympathetic noises. But I'm like– girl, your husband has clearly been miserable for years! He raised issues, you ignored them and told him to suck it up, and eventually he found someone more interested in his feelings (and his libido!). What did you expect? And why do you want him back? Trying to coerce or manipulate him into returning is not going to end well!

[Anonymous]

For kids. To give them a single home and to avoid losing time with them. It's the only valid reason.

[Anonymous]

Well first, most women despise their husbands, at least periodically. Hating your man and his family is part of the female experience.

[Anonymous]

Do you really not know "why"?

Because they are desperate. They can't fund their lifestyle (or life at all) without him.

[Anonymous]

You got me, OP. I wasn't ready to walk out the door with a newborn and a two year old. It was entirely my fault for either being a doormat or ignoring his happiness. Probably both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse is cheating on you, it's generally a sign that he's unhappy in the marriage. And if you are completely blindsided, it means you have not been paying attention to signs of unhappiness in someone you supposedly love. Not excusing cheating: it's an unhealthy and hurtful way to act out. But I am kind of baffled by all the posts from women who say, at the same time, "that no good SOB cheated on me" and "like hell will I get divorced."

If he's just a no good SOB, why would you want to stay married? And do you not bear any responsibility for his cheating? Either you ignored his unhappiness or you have been a doormat and made him think there is no consequence for cheating.

Again, not justifying the cheating: if a man is unhappy, for whatever reason, he should use his words like a big boy, discuss and try to resolve the problems if possible, or leave the marriage if not possible. He should not lie. But successful marriages take two people. Both need to take some responsibility for the overall happiness of the marriage, and for trouble-shooting when things are not great. I see all these posts on here from women who both villify their cheating partners and insist that they aren't going to "let them" leave.

1. It's pretty messed up to say "do you not bear any responsibility for (betrayal and violation, possible health effects, major life change, etc.)".
2. The people I know who have tried to stay married after someone cheats usually are trying to preserve the family unit for some reason. It is also often the case that the person who was cheated on WANTS to stay married while the cheater does not. That doesn't evaporate immediately for some people.

[Anonymous]

I stayed with my cheating xH for 3 years. It was a few things:

1. The biggest was honestly being so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. I know everyone says leave immediately, but I actually think often it's better to give it time so your nervous system can get regulated again and you can make clear headed, strategic decisions. It's okay to not make a decision right away.

2. He swore up and down he'd change an got therapy. I believed him.

3. We had an infant, and I wanted badly to keep our family together.

It took about 2.5 years of grieving, therapy, and soul-searching until I really figured out what I wanted to do. I was gearing up to leave him when I discovered him cheating again, so we ended things immediately.

As for bearing responsibility for his cheating: yes, he was unhappy. I could tell he was unhappy being married and having a child.

But, no matter what I did, he was always unhappy.

His ideal life was with me doing everything - paying the bills, all the domestic work and childcare, leaving him alone to sit on his phone until 2am and sleep in until 12pm. I'm ashamed to say I gave in and did these things for a long, long time so he could be 'happy'. It didn't make him happy, and it didn't stop him from cheating.

I could bend over backwards to try to make him happy and it ultimately never did. I can't be responsible for his happiness. And ultimately, I still don't think he's a happy person, even though he's gone and now has the freedom he so badly wanted.

My best guess is that he still has deep childhood wounds from being rejected by his parents (dad left, he was youngest of 6 so completely ignored by overwhelmed mom) and he needs constant validation from women to feel good about himself. I can't fix that, that's a wound he needs to address and grieve on his own.

[Anonymous]

^ definition of doormat. Divorce him and get child support and alimony.

[Anonymous]

(Sorry, post above was for 15:49)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my cheating xH for 3 years. It was a few things:

1. The biggest was honestly being so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. I know everyone says leave immediately, but I actually think often it's better to give it time so your nervous system can get regulated again and you can make clear headed, strategic decisions. It's okay to not make a decision right away.

2. He swore up and down he'd change an got therapy. I believed him.

3. We had an infant, and I wanted badly to keep our family together.

It took about 2.5 years of grieving, therapy, and soul-searching until I really figured out what I wanted to do. I was gearing up to leave him when I discovered him cheating again, so we ended things immediately.

As for bearing responsibility for his cheating: yes, he was unhappy. I could tell he was unhappy being married and having a child.

But, no matter what I did, he was always unhappy.

His ideal life was with me doing everything - paying the bills, all the domestic work and childcare, leaving him alone to sit on his phone until 2am and sleep in until 12pm. I'm ashamed to say I gave in and did these things for a long, long time so he could be 'happy'. It didn't make him happy, and it didn't stop him from cheating.

I could bend over backwards to try to make him happy and it ultimately never did. I can't be responsible for his happiness. And ultimately, I still don't think he's a happy person, even though he's gone and now has the freedom he so badly wanted.

My best guess is that he still has deep childhood wounds from being rejected by his parents (dad left, he was youngest of 6 so completely ignored by overwhelmed mom) and he needs constant validation from women to feel good about himself. I can't fix that, that's a wound he needs to address and grieve on his own.

That seems reasonable. You loved him, you saw he was unhappy, you did your best to try to address the issues with his (supposed) cooperation, but when it became clear it was not going to work, you pulled the plug. That seems healthy. I just don;'t get hanging on grimly when someone clearly does not want to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my cheating xH for 3 years. It was a few things:

1. The biggest was honestly being so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. I know everyone says leave immediately, but I actually think often it's better to give it time so your nervous system can get regulated again and you can make clear headed, strategic decisions. It's okay to not make a decision right away.

2. He swore up and down he'd change an got therapy. I believed him.

3. We had an infant, and I wanted badly to keep our family together.

It took about 2.5 years of grieving, therapy, and soul-searching until I really figured out what I wanted to do. I was gearing up to leave him when I discovered him cheating again, so we ended things immediately.

As for bearing responsibility for his cheating: yes, he was unhappy. I could tell he was unhappy being married and having a child.

But, no matter what I did, he was always unhappy.

His ideal life was with me doing everything - paying the bills, all the domestic work and childcare, leaving him alone to sit on his phone until 2am and sleep in until 12pm. I'm ashamed to say I gave in and did these things for a long, long time so he could be 'happy'. It didn't make him happy, and it didn't stop him from cheating.

I could bend over backwards to try to make him happy and it ultimately never did. I can't be responsible for his happiness. And ultimately, I still don't think he's a happy person, even though he's gone and now has the freedom he so badly wanted.

My best guess is that he still has deep childhood wounds from being rejected by his parents (dad left, he was youngest of 6 so completely ignored by overwhelmed mom) and he needs constant validation from women to feel good about himself. I can't fix that, that's a wound he needs to address and grieve on his own.

Don't beat yourself up. It took me two years to leave my cheating ex. He was at his AP's house until midnight the night I went into labor with our child. It's tough to deal with the end of a marriage and a new baby simultaneously, especially if you also have a big job like I did. We do the best we can.

[Anonymous]

Doormat syndrome

They also don’t want to give up that money nor split custody.

They’d rather suffer in silence, look the other way or justify the lying and cheating as being not that bad or enough to split up a happy home.

[Anonymous]

Some things are more important than sex.