Why do women want to hang on to cheating men they seem to despise??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed with my cheating xH for 3 years. It was a few things:

1. The biggest was honestly being so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. I know everyone says leave immediately, but I actually think often it's better to give it time so your nervous system can get regulated again and you can make clear headed, strategic decisions. It's okay to not make a decision right away.

2. He swore up and down he'd change an got therapy. I believed him.

3. We had an infant, and I wanted badly to keep our family together.

It took about 2.5 years of grieving, therapy, and soul-searching until I really figured out what I wanted to do. I was gearing up to leave him when I discovered him cheating again, so we ended things immediately.

As for bearing responsibility for his cheating: yes, he was unhappy. I could tell he was unhappy being married and having a child.

But, no matter what I did, he was always unhappy.

His ideal life was with me doing everything - paying the bills, all the domestic work and childcare, leaving him alone to sit on his phone until 2am and sleep in until 12pm. I'm ashamed to say I gave in and did these things for a long, long time so he could be 'happy'. It didn't make him happy, and it didn't stop him from cheating.

I could bend over backwards to try to make him happy and it ultimately never did. I can't be responsible for his happiness. And ultimately, I still don't think he's a happy person, even though he's gone and now has the freedom he so badly wanted.

My best guess is that he still has deep childhood wounds from being rejected by his parents (dad left, he was youngest of 6 so completely ignored by overwhelmed mom) and he needs constant validation from women to feel good about himself. I can't fix that, that's a wound he needs to address and grieve on his own.

That seems reasonable. You loved him, you saw he was unhappy, you did your best to try to address the issues with his (supposed) cooperation, but when it became clear it was not going to work, you pulled the plug. That seems healthy. I just don;'t get hanging on grimly when someone clearly does not want to stay.

If they clearly didn't want to stay, they would leave. Having been through this myself first, then later becoming the go-to person in my family and friend group for women dealing with a cheating husband, what I've learned is that cheaters will continue to deny cheating in the face of irrefutable evidence, like receipts, downloaded text messages, photos, videos, STDs, etc, and they don't actually want to leave their marriage. They want a wife and family at home and a ho on the side. You have to leave them, and you have to be strong enough to work through the gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Doormat syndrome

They also don’t want to give up that money nor split custody.

They’d rather suffer in silence, look the other way or justify the lying and cheating as being not that bad or enough to split up a happy home.

For one friend, the money is good, and he is too alcoholic (and likely has a drug problem) to be left home alone with their kid if custody were split, and he doesn't care what she does with her free time, so she eventually started seeing someone on the side, too. They'll divorce when their only kid leaves for college, but she's not a dormat, and she's not really suffering anymore either. Her side piece is much cuter than her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband told her he was unhappy for years. Mismatched libidos, and just not a lot of physical affection or romance in the marriage. She agreed to an open marriage for a while but then got furious when he developed feelings for one of the women he dated. At her insistence he broke it off with the other woman. Fast forward a few years, he tells her he wants to separate and she's shocked. Gets angry, says this is a betrayal, how dare he, and so on.

Eventually, he cheats, then moves out to be with the other woman and tells her he wants a divorces. She is shocked and betrayed, and trying to maniuplate him into coming back (telling him his adult children will hate him if he does't come back, getting her family to try to persuade him and so on).

I find this hard to understand. She is a friend so I make sympathetic noises. But I'm like– girl, your husband has clearly been miserable for years! He raised issues, you ignored them and told him to suck it up, and eventually he found someone more interested in his feelings (and his libido!). What did you expect? And why do you want him back? Trying to coerce or manipulate him into returning is not going to end well!

Hurt and anger make people irrational. Yes, of course she should just say, “You’re right, the marriage was not great and probably we both bear some responsibility for that, let’s get divorced.” But raging at him while simultaneously trying to get him to come crawling back is less painful than accepting that someone she must still care about on some level no longer wants to be with her.

[Anonymous]

Many women would put up with almost anything to avoid giving up 50% of their time with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women would put up with almost anything to avoid giving up 50% of their time with their kids.

Additionally, waiting out the kids gives you ample time to meet with an attorney, gather evidence, and plan for a comfortable divorce. In many states, including no-fault states, cheating can be used to determine the amount and duration of alimony, so taking enough time to be fully prepared before you need to file can be quite beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

[Anonymous]

For those who separated with kids in high school, did you still have to share them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

They don't "know" there are major red flags. They don't know it until they are confronted with irrefutable evidence, like when an AP reaches out to you because she's mad your spouse didn't leave you, so she sends you months' worth of explicit text messages, photos, and videos detailing various meetups with nude shots and lots of "I love you" messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who separated with kids in high school, did you still have to share them?

By then they don’t want to 🧐

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

Yesssss!
Then holler how unfit they are to care for kids but are good dads & providers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

They don't "know" there are major red flags. They don't know it until they are confronted with irrefutable evidence, like when an AP reaches out to you because she's mad your spouse didn't leave you, so she sends you months' worth of explicit text messages, photos, and videos detailing various meetups with nude shots and lots of "I love you" messages.

They know, and they ignore. Talk themselves out of it. Ignore the alarm bells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

They don't "know" there are major red flags. They don't know it until they are confronted with irrefutable evidence, like when an AP reaches out to you because she's mad your spouse didn't leave you, so she sends you months' worth of explicit text messages, photos, and videos detailing various meetups with nude shots and lots of "I love you" messages.

They know, and they ignore. Talk themselves out of it. Ignore the alarm bells.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why women have babies knowing there are such major red flags is problematic. Take off the blinders.

Because they want babies.

Needing family and babies is why women overlook or minimize red flags. If she needs to start a family now/soon, she'll settle for a cheater or manbaby. The defects she settled for do not become apparent until after the kids arrive.

[Anonymous]

People who stayed: did you continue to have sex? Did you get an STD? Did you require safe sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who separated with kids in high school, did you still have to share them?

My niece and nephew were 14 and 16 and flatly refused to stay with their cheating dad. He wasn’t really upset as he was too busy playing father of the year to his AP’s toddlers.