Why do women want to hang on to cheating men they seem to despise??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The woman I know who is hanging on is being incredibly strategic. Her husband still lives in the marital home but admitted to his affair and asked for a divorce. But he’s lazy and hasn’t left or filed.

She has a bench of attorneys lined up and is waiting to retain someone based on who her spouse chooses. She is getting medical stuff done while she is still on his insurance which is better than what’s at her job. And she is letting marital assets accumulate and documenting the heck out of everything else while she still has access to stuff. They aren’t legally separated according to the standards of their state so she is playing stuff very carefully to her financial advantage. It’s the opposite of disrespecting and is actually pretty brilliant.

But from the outside she looks like she’s just rolling over and letting this happen. She’s decided that’s also strategically helpful for her position, for now.

hopefully she has consulted with them, so he can't use them do to conflicts.

Yup. She made sure to talk to a variety of big and small firms in their county with different approaches. Not with the intent to conflict everyone out but to be sure she understood all of her legal options. He will find that the attorneys best suited to his situation will not be available.

[Anonymous]

I "stayed". I was 6 months pregnant with child #2 and in my 3rd year of law school when I found out. Strategically, it was better for me to ensure I could finish law school -- which wasn't a financial issue (since I was paying my tuition out of my own pre-relationship savings) and rather a logistic issue (did I really want to split my cognitive energy between law school and breaking up, moving out, and managing a new home with a toddler and a newborn infant).

From the outside it probably looked like I wanted to be in the relationship, but I definitely did not. It was a careful balance to choose between a bunch of shitty choices and do what was right for me and the kids while humoring STBXDH enough that he wouldn't get aggressive with me.

He was quite shocked when I told him, at a time that was good for me, that our relationship was over. I was able to make him move out in 2 days (because I had spent some of my time gathering extensive evidence of what was going on far beyond the gaslighting BS he fed me.) I've never regretted the way I handled "staying," and people who read our situation as me being weak or want a crappy relationship are simply judgmental idiots.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I don’t know if I’d care if dh cheated right now. Married 25 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I don’t know if I’d care if dh cheated right now. Married 25 years

You are my kind of woman. Lol. Can you imagine being married to someone who can care less of you cheat. That's awesome. And some will still have sex with you and sleep in the same bed. Damn lol sweet

[Anonymous]

Women value relationships more than men. They invest an insane amount of emotional climate into a relationship. This is just how women are wired. When you invest, you are not going to dump your capital just because you are going through a bad period.

But I also worry if women are afraid of being alone of they divorce especially if they are close to their 50s. Sex is not going to be an issue because men will honestly f**k anyone. But finding a decent man in your 40s/50s is very very hard.

Most of my friends who are in their 40s and 50s are a mess and I think most women are better off tolerating a cheater than starting over with one of these guys.

Finally, do women view sex differently than men? Are women more likely to accept that if their husband has sex with another woman it's just sex and not a big deal? I know men don't take well their wives being penetrated by another man...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Doormat syndrome

They also don’t want to give up that money nor split custody.

They’d rather suffer in silence, look the other way or justify the lying and cheating as being not that bad or enough to split up a happy home.

For one friend, the money is good, and he is too alcoholic (and likely has a drug problem) to be left home alone with their kid if custody were split, and he doesn't care what she does with her free time, so she eventually started seeing someone on the side, too. They'll divorce when their only kid leaves for college, but she's not a dormat, and she's not really suffering anymore either. Her side piece is much cuter than her husband.

How to find a side piece? Please share pointers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Doormat syndrome

They also don’t want to give up that money nor split custody.

They’d rather suffer in silence, look the other way or justify the lying and cheating as being not that bad or enough to split up a happy home.

For one friend, the money is good, and he is too alcoholic (and likely has a drug problem) to be left home alone with their kid if custody were split, and he doesn't care what she does with her free time, so she eventually started seeing someone on the side, too. They'll divorce when their only kid leaves for college, but she's not a dormat, and she's not really suffering anymore either. Her side piece is much cuter than her husband.

How to find a side piece? Please share pointers!

Reddit is good for this

[Anonymous]

Money and children. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I "stayed". I was 6 months pregnant with child #2 and in my 3rd year of law school when I found out. Strategically, it was better for me to ensure I could finish law school -- which wasn't a financial issue (since I was paying my tuition out of my own pre-relationship savings) and rather a logistic issue (did I really want to split my cognitive energy between law school and breaking up, moving out, and managing a new home with a toddler and a newborn infant).

From the outside it probably looked like I wanted to be in the relationship, but I definitely did not. It was a careful balance to choose between a bunch of shitty choices and do what was right for me and the kids while humoring STBXDH enough that he wouldn't get aggressive with me.

He was quite shocked when I told him, at a time that was good for me, that our relationship was over. I was able to make him move out in 2 days (because I had spent some of my time gathering extensive evidence of what was going on far beyond the gaslighting BS he fed me.) I've never regretted the way I handled "staying," and people who read our situation as me being weak or want a crappy relationship are simply judgmental idiots.

High five!!

[Anonymous]

I agree w/you that staying w/a spouse who cheated on you is a very stupid thing to do.

Why would women want to continue living under the same roof (and sleep in the same bed as well??!) w/someone who would lie, betray ➕ humiliate them in the worst possible way one human being can hurt another??
I see zero logic in staying w/a spouse who would have the audacity to share their body w/another person…..even if for one night.

However I disagree w/you OP that if you have been cheated on that you should bear some responsibility for the indiscretion.
Absolutely not! 😠
The person being cheated on is a victim and is usually the one who has the burden of carrying the majority of the trauma on their shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Just so you can’t have him, OP. It’s infuriating for you. I know.

[Anonymous]

It always comes down to custody and/or money.

[Anonymous]

B/c some women believe it's better to have ANY man rather than being single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree w/you that staying w/a spouse who cheated on you is a very stupid thing to do.

Why would women want to continue living under the same roof (and sleep in the same bed as well??!) w/someone who would lie, betray ➕ humiliate them in the worst possible way one human being can hurt another??
I see zero logic in staying w/a spouse who would have the audacity to share their body w/another person…..even if for one night.

However I disagree w/you OP that if you have been cheated on that you should bear some responsibility for the indiscretion.
Absolutely not! 😠
The person being cheated on is a victim and is usually the one who has the burden of carrying the majority of the trauma on their shoulders.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really not know "why"?

Because they are desperate. They can't fund their lifestyle (or life at all) without him.

I'm a woman and I could fund my lifestyle alone (I currently out earn my husband but we've flip flopped over the years) so to me the answer would be my kids if I could find a way to keep the peace with them. If we despised each other then I imagine that wouldn't be healthy, but my kids are the reason I would try to salvage my marriage, not money.