How do people in this area afford divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand....

This is a family with a HHI of $450k. I think there's enough money there for the kids to have their own bedrooms.

Not immediately. Getting custody and child support takes time - even divorce with grounds takes time. First she has to get out and get safe and keep the kids safe too.

You can get a court order for temporary support during the period of separation before the divorce is final. Does OP not have access to funds to cover first and last month's rent? She needs to retain a lawyer who can file for separation support as soon as she leaves. There's money to be had here.

[Anonymous]

Why are you in a house with a $5500 monthly mortgage. That is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why you don't have 3 kids...

Maybe if thdy only had one or two kids there would be no divorce in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a divorce and my income was $0 and ex made 180k when we separated 7 years ago. I was only out of the workforce for 18 months. I went back to work so I could get a divorce. It was not possible otherwise in this area. That was 5 years ago when the divorce was final.

What I did is not common. I let him keep the marital house and not buy me out. I just wanted out. I took our savings, but that was about 80k short of what I was entitled to from the house.

I wanted to move further out so I could afford housing but he refused.

Initially, I bought a townhouse 20 minutes away. It was not near equal to the large 5-bedroom house. It was just too far with my commute. I sold that TH after only 18 months.

Then I bought a house 7 min from the marital house. It was tight. I had increased my income from 103k to about 175k due to additional part time work so I could get that house.

I just sold it. The house had a lot of unforseen repair issues and I spent way more than I wanted to on those costs. I am renting. I may or may not buy again. If I could move further out, I feel like it could be better, but he would not agree.

Turns out we are both moving soon anyway because in the last couple of years we left public school for parochial school and we live far from school. We did this on much less than your ex makes. You can figure it out.

Do you live in a really, really cheap area? In this area, you would not be able to afford a townhome or parochial schools on those salaries you describe.

Wrong. When you bought several years ago, there is money, if you saved. Marital house was/is 5 beds and worth 1.3 now. The house I bought (3000 st and 4 beds and 4 baths) was 875 when purchased and sold just over $1 million. I can’t buy the same house NOW. I could before. No worries. I can rent a nice house and not run out of money for rent for many years…until kids are in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a divorce and my income was $0 and ex made 180k when we separated 7 years ago. I was only out of the workforce for 18 months. I went back to work so I could get a divorce. It was not possible otherwise in this area. That was 5 years ago when the divorce was final.

What I did is not common. I let him keep the marital house and not buy me out. I just wanted out. I took our savings, but that was about 80k short of what I was entitled to from the house.

I wanted to move further out so I could afford housing but he refused.

Initially, I bought a townhouse 20 minutes away. It was not near equal to the large 5-bedroom house. It was just too far with my commute. I sold that TH after only 18 months.

Then I bought a house 7 min from the marital house. It was tight. I had increased my income from 103k to about 175k due to additional part time work so I could get that house.

I just sold it. The house had a lot of unforseen repair issues and I spent way more than I wanted to on those costs. I am renting. I may or may not buy again. If I could move further out, I feel like it could be better, but he would not agree.

Turns out we are both moving soon anyway because in the last couple of years we left public school for parochial school and we live far from school. We did this on much less than your ex makes. You can figure it out.

This is so many transition on a kid- divorce, at least 4+ moves with you, changing schools, dad moving too.

My kids are fine. They love their school. It is not four moves.

They also never lived in the townhouse. We nested.

So, really two moves over 7 years. Not a big deal at all. They lived in 3 states before kindergarten—ex’s job.

They knew moving schools would require both houses being sold eventually— they knew this and still wanted to move, which goes to show how much they absolutely hated public school.

I have moved 27 times in my life. I am late 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am 18 months into leaving. Here are action steps you can take:

-you are paying nanny rates for 3 in daycare. Switch to an in-home daycare. It should be around $3,200/month for three. An au pair will be even cheaper if you do somehow have the space.

-Daycare years will pass. First one will move to public then two then three. You are in the most expensive year(s) right now. It will subside gradually.

-Cut any extras immediately- kid activities, netflix, disney, gym, whatever. These things add up.

-Get yourself a new job. Stay at your job until you find something even better, but any raise is a plus. I was making $83k before I left. I was shooting for at least $100k. It took me 6 months but I landed a job for $130k and I can breathe so much easier.

-Get a second stream of income. My neighbor does laundry for people at $30/load. Picks it up from their house, does it at her house while she works from home, folds it while her kids are sleeping, drops it back off. She is bringing in $1500/m while she works from home. I flip things on Poshmark and bring in about $1000-1200/m.

-Sell things. I sold my wedding rings, pelaton, some furniture, kids old clothes and toys, my nice coffee maker, anything I had laying around that I didn't need. I have $4k cash hidden from that.

-Of the bills you do need to keep- what can be cheaper? Can you find cheaper phone ($25 mint mobile works great), internet, car insurance, health insurance, home owners or renters insurance, etc.

Lastly, I know you don't want to be financially dependent on him, but in addition to the child support and possible monthly maintaince he will owe you, he will also have to pay his share of kids things. At $115k to $450k, he makes 4x what you do. He will owe 80% to your 20%. A $4200/m childcare bill? You'll pay $840. Also, the more you have the kids, the more CS he will owe you. It's all based on a formula.

You will be ok. I do not regret leaving for a second. I am happy and safe and thriving and absolutely love the little life I have now. It is so incredibly freeing and the feeling of pure joy has not disapated at all yet.

I can't believe anyone would pay $30/load of laundry. That's absolutely insane. There are laundromats that wash and fold for substantially less!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you are staying because you feel you can emotionally protect the kids better if you are there all the time? I can run interference between DH and them, manage things, etc. it is tough, but I would not want them with him without me for 3-4 days a week. Nor would I want them exposed to his emotionally manipulative family without me. They can be a lot, and difficult to figure out, and I am exhausted when we come home from trips from the emotional and mental load, but I would fear them being in this environment without me.

I left and it’s the best thing I did for me and my kids. They get to be in a happy, healthy home half the time. They get to see that you don’t put up with abuse, so they’re less likely to repeat the cycle. They’re thriving and are kind, sweet kids.