Mourning all the wasted years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Fun teenage years" and "fun college years".
OP does sound annoying.
The only people I know who had "fun" during those years amounted to, a best, administrative assistants who married losers and have no children.

Wow. You don't sound mentally OK yourself.

What she means by fun years is exploring who you are, being free to pursue what interests you, making mistakes and recovering from them. Normal life stuff.

Unfortunately for people who start like OP, it takes half a life time to be ok with a lot of effort, and some are still not OK. Others who were raised in emotionally healthier conditions, don't have this uphill battle. They are able to build up their lives, while those like OP have to fill the huge holes (continuing the construction analogy) to make sure the ground is even and sound before they can ever start building something.

OP, it's not fair that different people get a different start in life. But take pride and comfort that in your family it stops with you and you won't pass this on to the next generation. It's huge, and you're a strong and wise person to have done all this work.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think therapy has helped you have closer emotional bonds and more secure attachments with the family you have created? How has it benefited your mothering?

What people are picking up on is the mourning lack of casual hook ups and vilifying your DH.

Re: company you keep, not sure these are genuinely healthy folks if they sit around reminiscing about casual sex decades ago. Most in midlife are worried about career, launching kids, aging extended family. None of us get to go back and be teenagers again, you do sound like you are having a midlife crisis. The hormonal shifts may also be playing a role.

[Anonymous]

I had a devastatingly sad childhood and married my college sweetheart, too. He didn’t like it when I was working for someone else full time, but when I started my own business and had more time for him, he’s been very supportive.

Men can be very childish when they aren’t getting the thing they want. For some, it’s sex, for others, economic superiority, for others still, it’s economic dependency.

None of this has to do with your childhood. You’re just straight.

Everything looks better from the outside in, and people romanticize the past. People who chase after romanticized memories are a different kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Wise words, PP.

OP, if being a good mother is important to you, love their dad.

Be happy and proud of what the 2 of your have built and provided. None of us know how long we have, to be wallowing in "mourning" and resentment is squandering the better years you have been lucky enough to achieve.

When adults your kids will remember your moodiness and parallel life with "cooler" friends and plans, and how you seemed to see their family life as "wasted years" kids pick up on vibes. It's not modeling healthy attachment or healthy marriage. You've got some more work to do, do it in Gottman trained couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Wait, op, where and how are you finding all these sexual awesome friends and where is your husband? Why aren't you giving him all that sexy energy or why didn’t you divorce him? Really not nice of you to expect him to be into your self indulgence no matter what fancy therapy speak you put on it. No wonder too he isn’t into therapy, your post put me off therapy if this is the advice they give out.
Also, why would you want to slut it up knowing or thinking your mom’s behavior damaged you? You have a husband, you have access to sex, if you don’t like him, end the marriage.
He’s also probably worried about what your behavior might do to the kids. Kids need a mom and dad and you aren’t dead. Why not enjoy your husband and kids and stop viewing them as wasted years? I’d be furious if my husband said that to me to the point I might just divorce him, why stay where I’m not wanted.
You’d have been better served learning how to be a married lady, op. Courting looks different when you are married, that is some of the best advice I ever got. Dates look different when you are married. You spend your time differently. Sex should still be awesome, I don’t worry about pregnancy. My husband is stable, no need to worry about my performance.
Outside of the bedroom, I can say things to him I’d not be able to say if he were a boyfriend. Likewise, I can care for him in a way I couldn’t and wouldn’t if he were just a boyfriend. For example, I can cook dinner tonight and I’m “being nice to my husband” v. “Trying to impress a guy”. Same act, different attitude.
Pull yourself together, op.