How to Make Friends with Likeminded Moms, esp. Working Moms

[Anonymous]

For the past few years, I've been quite lonely.

I am a big reader...I enjoy talking about social/economic trends, hot-button issues, my work, meaning-of-life kind of stuff. I like to debate and analyze, and have deep conversations. I was always a nerd and didn't fit in at my small private school, where kids were mostly talking about pop culture I was totally unfamiliar with.

At college, I found my group, and that was awesome. Then, we grew up and grew apart. My college friends don't have kids yet, we have changed priorities and interests, and more practically, everyone's living all over the country/the world. We catch up by phone every few months and try to see each other 1-2 times per year, but that's not a lot, and every year I feel like we have less in common.

I work at an interesting and intellectually stimulating job but all my coworkers are much younger (early 20s), so while we have great working relationships, they're not exactly friends (plus I'm in a senior role so it's unwise to befriend others anyway).

I'm lucky to have a flexible schedule, working mostly half days, so I try to meet people at preschool/school pickup, playgrounds, etc. I live in a suburb. The people I meet are mostly SAHMs and the conversations are mostly about kid/family stuff - kids' classes, gossip, "where did you buy XYZ for kid?", updates about school, vacations, weekend plans, etc. It's enjoy these topics to some extent, but it's all they seem to talk about, and when I bring up some news story or something from work, they just tune out. So the relationships are pretty shallow.

When I do meet working moms, they're (understandably) extremely busy... weekdays are hectic, weekends are family time, everyone seems to have friends already and no one is interested in investing their limited time in getting to know a stranger to see if maybe a real friendship will develop. Some women just refer me to their nanny to plan playdates. Even people that do genuinely seem interested in connecting end up being too busy and things fizzle out. I have tried approaching people in person, joining groups for working moms, joining Facebook groups in my local area, joining groups organized around some of my interests... people just don't have time.

I would really love to have close friends that I can talk to about anything, people who really get me. Not just fellow parents that I hang out with just because we have kids the same age and chat about school and summer camp. Is this even possible? What can I do?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, OP. I’m the bust working mom of a 2nd grader and I feel like I tick all the boxes you mentioned. I have no idea how to make friends outside of work. Everyone is so busy. I wish I had a next door neighbor who could be my best buddy. I’m so damn lonely.

[Anonymous]

When I had full time childcare pre-pandemic, I didn’t really have a chance to make mom friends. Weekends and after 5 PM were family time. We socialized with other families and I sometimes went out with the other moms, but I didn’t really find my crowd.

This year with the pandemic though I have met several moms who I truly enjoy hanging out with. Ironic, huh... basically we haven’t had childcare, and my youngest (3) has been out of school. It’s a great age for long play dates and outings. I guess this has all been through DC’s preschool, which has a strong emphasis on socioemotional learning and progressive values. So maybe there’s some self-selection there. But so far I really enjoy many of the parents as people — they are educated and interesting, really engaged in the world outside parenting, but still down to earth.

My older DC was in a preschool with full time coverage for working parents whereas this one is half day, so of necessity there are a lot more parents with flexibility. I guess you just need to target activities where you can meet parents with your situation. Maybe look for groups outside school also — like a local community garden or spiritual group that has families.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live, OP? I have found this to be really hard in my outer suburb area. Most of my friends still live in the city and it’s hard to stay connected. I am actually moving back closer to the city - for a number of reasons, but I am really hoping to have more community of like-minded moms for neighbors in the new area.

[Anonymous]

You need to diversify your interests. I'm a little bit interested in a lot of different things. This means I get along with and can talk with a ton of different types of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to diversify your interests. I'm a little bit interested in a lot of different things. This means I get along with and can talk with a ton of different types of people.

OP here. I can - and do - talk to a lot of people. Even though I'm a huge introvert, I come up to other parents everywhere we go...on the sidelines of soccer class, playground, etc - and chat with them. But talking with people and getting along with them is not the same as close, deep friendships, and that's what I am really lacking right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

[Anonymous]

OP is clearly unaware of the concept of “small talk.” These are preliminary conversations you have with new people to casually enter into deeper and more meaningful conversations. It’s a hurdle you have to jump before you can enter into deeper and more intimate friendships.

Writing off people as superficial because they make small talk makes you seem socially retarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to diversify your interests. I'm a little bit interested in a lot of different things. This means I get along with and can talk with a ton of different types of people.

OP here. I can - and do - talk to a lot of people. Even though I'm a huge introvert, I come up to other parents everywhere we go...on the sidelines of soccer class, playground, etc - and chat with them. But talking with people and getting along with them is not the same as close, deep friendships, and that's what I am really lacking right now.

That requires a lot of face time, or a unique rare connection. Like, for example, a neighbor who regularly swings by unannounced. Hope you meet your soul mom OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is clearly unaware of the concept of “small talk.” These are preliminary conversations you have with new people to casually enter into deeper and more meaningful conversations. It’s a hurdle you have to jump before you can enter into deeper and more intimate friendships.

Writing off people as superficial because they make small talk makes you seem socially retarded.

That's a bit harsh, but to your point, most mom interactions at school, birthday parties, park are all small talk. Ask questions - what's new with THEM. remember their answers. be interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I personally love to travel. The people I have really gotten to know well are moms I clicked with and we would prefer to go out on moms nights, mani pedis and travel. We talk about anything and everything. We prefer to hang out without the kids.

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean OP. Luckily, we have local friends from before we had kids that we can have good convos with. One who became a SAHM only talks about kid stuff now, but I still like to see her for old times’ sake. The rest are still fine. I hope you find a good crowd!

[Anonymous]

I think it is easier to make friends once your kids are in elementary school.