Should my sister go on vacation when my dad is dying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This vacation is the last worldly gift your father is able to give your sister.

You don't know how much this might mean to him.

This.

[Anonymous]

Yes. She should go. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Your sister has Ben there all along. She decided how and when to say her goodbye. Stop judging. And stop using a six month old as an excuse. Parenting is a lifestyle for you now, not something you’re just getting used to.

[Anonymous]

Should you mind your own business and be grateful for all she has done? Yes, yes you should. Maybe actually thank her profusely and wish her relaxation and peace on her well-deserved vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

I was the primary caretaker of my MIL for several years. The last two weeks of her life I just couldn't handle watching her dye. My husband was there and it really traumatized him. I am glad I wasn't there and I'm sure she'd understand. Its not about being there when someone is dead, but about being there when they are alive. OP should support her sister on vacation and be the primary caretaker while she's gone. Seems simple enough to me.

It's possible that the sister, who has visited her dad daily for three months, won't feel guilty at all. She was there for him every day. Maybe OP can step up while her sister takes what I'm sure is a much-needed break. Maybe OP will feel guilty for using her baby as an excuse for letting her sister do the lion's share of the work supporting their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her *family* may need this vacation. Really need it.
It isn't -only- about your parents
Their life is not only about your parents

This! For 3 months she has been a mother, wife, daughter, caregiver, employee. She’s grieving, scared, exhausted. She’s been pulled in lots of directions until she’s stretched very thin. This is when her kids are out of school and she and her husband arranged to take vacation. They can’t just do this any old week of the year. Her kids have probably gotten much less of her attention these last 3 months. I seriously doubt she and her husband have been having date nights. This is their opportunity to reconnect, escape the daily grind of these past 3 months, and just be there for each other during this difficult time.

I was with my father for the last 40 days of his life. You can’t know what that’s like without going through it. He aged a decade in his last week. It was horrific to witness. My mother, brother and I were traumatized by mental images of him on his deathbed. Pack up your baby and get yourself there. Help your mom with the funeral arrangements. That’s the easy part.

I agree. Sister and her family have been bearing the brunt of this for months. OP hasn't, but feels it's her place to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is expected to pass any day now. My sister lives nearby and has been helping with his care each day during or after work.

Before my dad really started to decline, he and my mom booked a rental property on a beach for a week, with plans to go with my sister and her family.

I just had a baby so I was never planning to go on a vacation this year.

My sister said her last goodbye to my dad today and plans to drive to the rental property tonight to go on vacation without my parents after all.

But shouldn’t she be staying nearby to help support my mom and help arrange the wake/funeral since my dad has only a couple more days to live?

I am doing what I can with an infant but it seems like a strange time to be going on vacation for a week.

SIL, is that you? The world is supposed to stop whenever you are experiencing a life event (which can be as major as your child's 6th BD - well, really anything your children do, from taking their first breath in the AM to their last bathroom visit at night), yet you expect the rest of us to soldier on and shoulder your burdens.

My parents had some major flaws, but I definitely learned how to take life in stride from them - inevitable when there are six kids.

[Anonymous]

During my dad's final weeks after I had spent years visiting and supporting and dealing with a mom in denial, my sister had the nerve to give me commandments from afar about what I should be doing. I was beyond burned out, had my own kids, spouse, job and stressors and it really was the final straw in an already dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. She always had an excuse as to why she couldn't do much, but she was there ready to collect any money that might come her way.

[Anonymous]

There is no “should“ or “should not“ when it comes to processing grief. I went to the dentist hours after finding out my mom died. I was probably in complete shock and disbelief, but sometimes you have to keep doing the “normal“ things because the rest of your life feels like a tailspin.

[Anonymous]

If your dad is not upset about her going, it isn't your place to be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your dad is not upset about her going, it isn't your place to be upset.

+1, but I will add, even if the dad were upset, not your place to bother her. All of us only have so much capacity for stress before we lose it. She is a grown up who has made many sacrifices. If she tells you she needs a vacation, then you either say "good for you, enjoy" or you say nothing. Would you like to be the one who pushes someone over the edge?

[Anonymous]

Team dad.

He could be alive when she returns, it’s been months, and she will have more energy for the funeral/aftermath with your mom.

The funeral was the easiest part for my dad.

[Anonymous]

Whoops team dad and team sister ^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she should go but because she needs to help with planning a funeral. She needs to be with your dad in his final hours.

Why can’t op do it?

IMO they should both be there. I'd regret it forever if I went on vacation and wasn't there for my dad's passing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she should go but because she needs to help with planning a funeral. She needs to be with your dad in his final hours.

Why can’t op do it?

IMO they should both be there. I'd regret it forever if I went on vacation and wasn't there for my dad's passing.

NP and this is my thought as well. I can’t I shine not bring there for my parents; I would not want them to be alone.

But this thread has been unanimously supportive of the sister, and that’s a rarity on here so it’s given me food for thought. In truth, no matter what I thought about something like this, I’d never share it or express anything negative.