Should my sister go on vacation when my dad is dying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she should go but because she needs to help with planning a funeral. She needs to be with your dad in his final hours.

Why can’t op do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she should go but because she needs to help with planning a funeral. She needs to be with your dad in his final hours.

PP, why do you think the sister — who has spent quite a bit of time with her father, possibly even saying their farewells, needs to be there during what may or may not be his final hours? And why are you apparently not urging the OP —who hasn’t spent nearly as much time with her father recently— to do this as well? Does she not “need to be with her father in his final hours? Similarly, the sister has taken on the lion’s share when it comes to supporting her father throughout the last several months. Doesn’t the OP need to help with planning a funeral? And, if the OP is there to help, is there some special reason that her sister needs to be there as well? The vacation is for a week. If her presence is needed for planning, a few days won’t change what needs to be done, although it might change the time frame slightly.

It’s quite possible that their dad is at peace, knowing that his daughter will be able to enjoy a much needed vacation.

tldr: The baby isn’t a newborn. Her sister has done a lot — much of it probably emotionally draining.The sister deserves a break. The OP needs to be more involved — “ staying nearby to help support (her) mother, and help arrange the wake /funeral” and spending time with her dad.

[Anonymous]

It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

I was the primary caretaker of my MIL for several years. The last two weeks of her life I just couldn't handle watching her dye. My husband was there and it really traumatized him. I am glad I wasn't there and I'm sure she'd understand. Its not about being there when someone is dead, but about being there when they are alive. OP should support her sister on vacation and be the primary caretaker while she's gone. Seems simple enough to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

Or maybe she knows she’s done her best for her father, and will understand, even in her grief, that there is no need for guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

I was the primary caretaker of my MIL for several years. The last two weeks of her life I just couldn't handle watching her dye. My husband was there and it really traumatized him. I am glad I wasn't there and I'm sure she'd understand. Its not about being there when someone is dead, but about being there when they are alive. OP should support her sister on vacation and be the primary caretaker while she's gone. Seems simple enough to me.

Beautifully said PP.

OP should support her sister, and her mother, and her father —while she still can.

[Anonymous]

This vacation is the last worldly gift your father is able to give your sister.

You don't know how much this might mean to him.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Listen to yourself. Your sister has been there showing her love to your dad consistently for years.He knows she loved her and she more than her part. You have the nerve to think she shouldn't go on a vacation? This whole idea that you need to be surrounded by loved ones for the last weeks of your life as they sit and wait for you to die is insane. Many people don't pass peacefully until people give them peace. How sad that you don't think your sister deser4ves this break. I bet your dad would want her to do this because he probably values all she has done.

[Anonymous]

Yes. She did her part in taking care of him and needs to look after herself. You need to step up now.

[Anonymous]

How old are her kids? Do you have any idea the impact the past months may have had on them. Any idea the impact this has has on her marriage. The day to day care on top of work and the needs of raising a family are harder than you can possible imagine. Your views on this are one of the number one reasons women burn out during the endstage portion of the sandwhich generation. Being pulled in so many directions and feeling like you are never doing enough to please all who are seeking more from you.

You sister is getting respite this week with her family. Watch your use of the word should. She may pick up on your judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister took care of your dad each day during or after work. What did you do before your baby was born?

He began declining around Easter. That was three months after my baby was born.

He was not in this state prior to the birth.

You do not have a newborn. You have a 6-7 month old. You can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

I was the primary caretaker of my MIL for several years. The last two weeks of her life I just couldn't handle watching her dye. My husband was there and it really traumatized him. I am glad I wasn't there and I'm sure she'd understand. Its not about being there when someone is dead, but about being there when they are alive. OP should support her sister on vacation and be the primary caretaker while she's gone. Seems simple enough to me.

Beautifully said PP.

OP should support her sister, and her mother, and her father —while she still can.

+1. Caregiving is a marathon not a sprint and it’s petty to fuss about your sister not being there for a week when she’s been there daily to help for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is her decision that she will have to live with the rest of her life. It is very possible she may feel guilt afterwards for not being there, in which unfortunately she will have to live the rest of her life with that guilt.

I was the primary caretaker of my MIL for several years. The last two weeks of her life I just couldn't handle watching her dye. My husband was there and it really traumatized him. I am glad I wasn't there and I'm sure she'd understand. Its not about being there when someone is dead, but about being there when they are alive. OP should support her sister on vacation and be the primary caretaker while she's gone. Seems simple enough to me.

So well said, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people want privacy in death too. Your dad may have understood that she needed to not be there, or wanted her to be somewhere peaceful as he left. We all have to make our own choices and peace with passages.

This.

I've worked hospice. There are some people who will not die if their loved ones are in the room. They wait until they are alone to let go.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the caregiver sister is thinking/hoping the other sister will finally step up if she’s not there.