Should my sister go on vacation when my dad is dying?

[Anonymous]

^can’t *imsgine*

[Anonymous]

What happened op? Did he pass while she was gone?

[Anonymous]

First off, many people don't pass until they are given peace. There is new thinking about the whole idea of holding vigil on the death bead or whatever the saying is.

Second, some people hang on until they get their goodbye from everyone. So, if he really needs her there,he may just hang on.

Regardless, it is fascinating to me how many people are dramatic about being there for the last goodbye, yet they weren't there for much else. Your sister was. Do you understand how severe burnout can be? Your father would want you to show her grace, empathy and love, not judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, many people don't pass until they are given peace. There is new thinking about the whole idea of holding vigil on the death bead or whatever the saying is.

Second, some people hang on until they get their goodbye from everyone. So, if he really needs her there,he may just hang on.

Regardless, it is fascinating to me how many people are dramatic about being there for the last goodbye, yet they weren't there for much else. Your sister was. Do you understand how severe burnout can be? Your father would want you to show her grace, empathy and love, not judgment.

But OP says the sister and dad already said their good-byes. Sounds like they are both at peace about it. Maybe OP would feel better about this arrangement if she redefined "vacation" as "respite." I'm sure sister's not going to be spending the week partying, she's sad too. But she needs some peace and time to reconnect with her husband and kids and has the parents blessing to take that time as already scheduled. Time for OP to set up and fill the gap so her sister can have that break.

[Anonymous]

She should do what she feels is best for herself. You should do the same for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, many people don't pass until they are given peace. There is new thinking about the whole idea of holding vigil on the death bead or whatever the saying is.

Second, some people hang on until they get their goodbye from everyone. So, if he really needs her there,he may just hang on.

Regardless, it is fascinating to me how many people are dramatic about being there for the last goodbye, yet they weren't there for much else. Your sister was. Do you understand how severe burnout can be? Your father would want you to show her grace, empathy and love, not judgment.

But OP says the sister and dad already said their good-byes. Sounds like they are both at peace about it. Maybe OP would feel better about this arrangement if she redefined "vacation" as "respite." I'm sure sister's not going to be spending the week partying, she's sad too. But she needs some peace and time to reconnect with her husband and kids and has the parents blessing to take that time as already scheduled. Time for OP to set up and fill the gap so her sister can have that break.

All of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her *family* may need this vacation. Really need it.
It isn't -only- about your parents
Their life is not only about your parents

This! For 3 months she has been a mother, wife, daughter, caregiver, employee. She’s grieving, scared, exhausted. She’s been pulled in lots of directions until she’s stretched very thin. This is when her kids are out of school and she and her husband arranged to take vacation. They can’t just do this any old week of the year. Her kids have probably gotten much less of her attention these last 3 months. I seriously doubt she and her husband have been having date nights. This is their opportunity to reconnect, escape the daily grind of these past 3 months, and just be there for each other during this difficult time.

I was with my father for the last 40 days of his life. You can’t know what that’s like without going through it. He aged a decade in his last week. It was horrific to witness. My mother, brother and I were traumatized by mental images of him on his deathbed. Pack up your baby and get yourself there. Help your mom with the funeral arrangements. That’s the easy part.

+1. You don't even have to travel for the funeral arrangements. I made my father's funeral arrangements on the phone from the opposite side of the country. OP, your mom and sister have been existing in a medical hell since Easter. My father's decline was 20 days. He was terminally ill, so it was not a surprise, but being there for the daily stuff is really different than being across the country. I have done both, and the daily experience is really grueling, wrecks your sense of time, and in general is something a person needs to recover from. If your sister is taking some time, I would encourage you to stop thinking about that time as "a vacation." She is traveling with her family in order to connect with her family during a time of family crisis. It's not a vacation anymore than maternity leave is, regardless of whether she's traveling or staying home.