Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.

I'm not talking about safer. I don't care a bit about how you're going to be a cheating POS and protect your own ass. I'm saying cheating with another married person is so beyond wrong I can't begin to fathom how anyone could convince themselves that it's the best choice in their situation. I guess I can see hooking up with a single and rationalizing it and only feeling fairly guilty because you're hurting only your spouse who presumably you have your own issues with (still wrong obviously). But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt?

It's easy to sit back and judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes. Until you are in the situation, you have no idea what other people go through or what their spouse's are like. What works for you and makes you happy may not work for someone else. Frankly, your comments don't imply happiness. They imply a rigidness and close mindedness that makes it impossible for you to be able to empathize with another human being. Maybe that's why you are not an emotional affair material but it also means you probably have a hard time connecting with other people in general.

The man I had an emotional affair with was married with kids and that's why we both felt comfortable talking with each other from the beginning. We did not set out expecting to have feelings for each other. We just started communicating about parenting issues and giving each other advice on a regular basis. Our children were something we had in common. Gradually, we began giving advice to each other regarding our marriages. He wanted a woman's perspective and I wanted a man's perspective on certain general issues. The point the emotional affair began is a gray area. However, when I realized and accepted the fact our conversations had grown too personal and we were beginning to have feelings for each other, I ended the relationship.

There is a huge difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair. You can't control how you feel about other people and who you are attracted to but you can control your actions. I don't think I "cheated" on my husband or my family because I ended the relationship when I realized the relationship had led to an emotional drain in my marriage (hence I realized I was having an emotional affair). I also ended things before I got physical with the other man.

[Anonymous]

PP - I think what you describe happens frequently and you had the self-awareness and moral judgement to realize when you were doing something wrong and end it. Clearly you agree with me - you weren't able to convince yourself that continuing the relationship and/or getting physical was where you wanted to go because you knew it was wrong and you knew it would cause damage. You're not the type of person I'm talking about at all.

[Anonymous]

PP from 11:40 here:

Getting back to the topic of this thread. Contacting the other man in my case would have been pointless for my DH. My issues in my marriage did not revolve around him. He was a symptom I had issues to deal with, not the source of the problems. I also don't even know how much the other man even computed that an emotional affair was taking place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not you.

Obviously. But it's deeply saddening to me that there are people in the world that so hugely value their own needs at the total expense of everyone else's and who lack the courage to get their needs met in a way that doesn't drastically affect other people's lives. I hope it all works out for you and for your cheating partner in a way that doesn't cause immense sadness to those to whom you have made commitments.

I guarantee that you have a lower sex drive than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not you.

Obviously. But it's deeply saddening to me that there are people in the world that so hugely value their own needs at the total expense of everyone else's and who lack the courage to get their needs met in a way that doesn't drastically affect other people's lives. I hope it all works out for you and for your cheating partner in a way that doesn't cause immense sadness to those to whom you have made commitments.

I guarantee that you have a lower sex drive than I do.

Doubtful - unless you can't function with "only" once a day, which is my preferred rate. And there are ways to get your sexual needs met in an honest manner than doesn't involve cheating with other married people. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.

I'm not talking about safer. I don't care a bit about how you're going to be a cheating POS and protect your own ass. I'm saying cheating with another married person is so beyond wrong I can't begin to fathom how anyone could convince themselves that it's the best choice in their situation. I guess I can see hooking up with a single and rationalizing it and only feeling fairly guilty because you're hurting only your spouse who presumably you have your own issues with (still wrong obviously). But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt?

It's easy to sit back and judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes. Until you are in the situation, you have no idea what other people go through or what their spouse's are like. What works for you and makes you happy may not work for someone else. Frankly, your comments don't imply happiness. They imply a rigidness and close mindedness that makes it impossible for you to be able to empathize with another human being. Maybe that's why you are not an emotional affair material but it also means you probably have a hard time connecting with other people in general.

The man I had an emotional affair with was married with kids and that's why we both felt comfortable talking with each other from the beginning. We did not set out expecting to have feelings for each other. We just started communicating about parenting issues and giving each other advice on a regular basis. Our children were something we had in common. Gradually, we began giving advice to each other regarding our marriages. He wanted a woman's perspective and I wanted a man's perspective on certain general issues. The point the emotional affair began is a gray area. However, when I realized and accepted the fact our conversations had grown too personal and we were beginning to have feelings for each other, I ended the relationship.

There is a huge difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair. You can't control how you feel about other people and who you are attracted to but you can control your actions. I don't think I "cheated" on my husband or my family because I ended the relationship when I realized the relationship had led to an emotional drain in my marriage (hence I realized I was having an emotional affair). I also ended things before I got physical with the other man.

It doesn't sound like you are taking full responsibility yet and you make it sound as if you were fully in control of the other man. Before you said he wasn't that willing to take it physical and yet here you say you called the shots. It's really not THAT gray. I'm guessing you probably knew when things were crossing a line and forged ahead anyway.

The whole situation is sad. Once my DH got out of the fog and realized how selfish, immature, and weak he was, he slowly realized that his affair partner, a woman who he thought of as his best friend, was also acting selfish and acting off the same low self esteem he was. It was painful for him to realize that.

[Anonymous]

I just posted and am coming back to say to the OW posting here, I don't want to downplay the responsibility you are taking and I understand your point about just falling for someone. I work outside the home as well and I totally get that, I have attractive coworkers who I work on exciting projects with and you bond and connect and I know what you mean. It is intoxicating when someone other than your husband makes you feel great, but ultimately not worth sacrificing your integrity for that thrill, no matter how crappy your marriage. If it's that crappy, it's time to stand up for yourself and have a trial separation.

I just HATE the term "gray area" as that is what my DH called it and it's offensive, since it caused me so much pain, and completely put our marriage in jeopardy. It just seems a selfish way to describe it.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, your comments don't imply happiness. They imply a rigidness and close mindedness that makes it impossible for you to be able to empathize with another human being."

Just reading over this again and I'm pretty offended by this statement. I think my comments and my inability to understand this kind of selfishness come directly from being a child of divorced parents after my father cheated and from having a husband who cheated too. So I have first-hand experience with how these "gray areas" and "don't judge me - I wasn't planning to cheat" and all these other excuses actually end up. I have myself experienced being a child and a spouse devastated and changed for life as a result of other people's selfish choices. So obviously my comments are colored by these experiences and I would implore everyone to think about how your choices will play out and how you can get your needs met in ways that aren't devastating to others who depend on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Frankly, your comments don't imply happiness. They imply a rigidness and close mindedness that makes it impossible for you to be able to empathize with another human being."

Just reading over this again and I'm pretty offended by this statement. I think my comments and my inability to understand this kind of selfishness come directly from being a child of divorced parents after my father cheated and from having a husband who cheated too. So I have first-hand experience with how these "gray areas" and "don't judge me - I wasn't planning to cheat" and all these other excuses actually end up. I have myself experienced being a child and a spouse devastated and changed for life as a result of other people's selfish choices. So obviously my comments are colored by these experiences and I would implore everyone to think about how your choices will play out and how you can get your needs met in ways that aren't devastating to others who depend on you.

New poster. I agree with you. I don't think there is anything "rigid" about being anti-affair.

I have made my share of mistakes and learned from some of them. Still have more to make, but what I have learned is that instant gratification and selfishness is not really the path to any kind of real fulfillment. Life is hard, and doing the right thing is hard. But in the long run usually worth it. You get out of things what you put into it. I have a lot of regrets and moving forward I hope to keep that one in my mind every day.

It's hard for most people to understand and accept that there are many times you have to go above and beyond your spouse. You have to be better than them. They will fail you, and you them, and you will fall out of love at times. But if you can take the high road more times than not you won't regret it. The divorce rate would be lower if people got this. And I'm saying this as someone who may get divorced. I may have learned these lessons too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

Transfer was completely unrelated.

Im not sure if anyone noticed. Maybe, but I bet nothing definite.

As far as how we talked about our spouses: yes, there was a level of complaints but Nothing like "he/she is terrible". There was no name calling etc. We were all friends so I liked her, he got along with DH and we both new some of the limitationS of each others' spouses. But it was never nasty just things like "I wish DH would talk to me" "I wish DW could relax and have fun" etc.

This thread is long so maybe you already answered but did your friend (the wife) and you ever talk? Is she friends with your husband? Are your husbands friends? Just puzzled how this all works. In our case our spuses didn't know each other and though I knew her we weren't friends (didn't know her that well since she worked with my h)

We haven't talked since the day we were found out, but yes, we were casual friends. She knows my husband and we all would have dinner together etc. It was an awful end to it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Having an affair IS putting your own needs above those of the family. In case you weren't aware. Complicated or not, it is STILL WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

Transfer was completely unrelated.

Im not sure if anyone noticed. Maybe, but I bet nothing definite.

As far as how we talked about our spouses: yes, there was a level of complaints but Nothing like "he/she is terrible". There was no name calling etc. We were all friends so I liked her, he got along with DH and we both new some of the limitationS of each others' spouses. But it was never nasty just things like "I wish DH would talk to me" "I wish DW could relax and have fun" etc.

This thread is long so maybe you already answered but did your friend (the wife) and you ever talk? Is she friends with your husband? Are your husbands friends? Just puzzled how this all works. In our case our spuses didn't know each other and though I knew her we weren't friends (didn't know her that well since she worked with my h)

We haven't talked since the day we were found out, but yes, we were casual friends. She knows my husband and we all would have dinner together etc. It was an awful end to it all.

Well, it doesn't sound like the end yet. Hopefully you both will have stronger marriages and everyone will take this time for some self reflection. The thing about an EA, it's not just what your spouse is not giving you, it's one you are looking for in someone else that you should be providing for yourself. Sure, some of it is about what you are missing in marriage: intimacy, emotional connection, but it's at least somewhat about having someone else boost your self worth. Having someone else make you feel good when that falling-in-love phase in your relationships has ended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

I could say the same thing. Always thought my husband "wasn't the type," didn't have enough opportunity, and would never cheat. I was completely shocked. The few people who know about it had the same reaction. Most people would still look at us and think we are one of those couples in which there's been no infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

I could say the same thing. Always thought my husband "wasn't the type," didn't have enough opportunity, and would never cheat. I was completely shocked. The few people who know about it had the same reaction. Most people would still look at us and think we are one of those couples in which there's been no infidelity.

How did you get pass this? Do you trust him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

I could say the same thing. Always thought my husband "wasn't the type," didn't have enough opportunity, and would never cheat. I was completely shocked. The few people who know about it had the same reaction. Most people would still look at us and think we are one of those couples in which there's been no infidelity.

Happened in my neighborhood. HS sweethearts, kind of a dorky, straight arrow DH. He cheated with a woman from work.