Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own. [/quote]

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.[/quote]

I'm not talking about safer. I don't care a bit about how you're going to be a cheating POS and protect your own ass. I'm saying cheating with another married person is so beyond wrong [b]I can't begin to fathom how anyone could convince themselves that it's the best choice in their situation.[/b] I guess I can see hooking up with a single and rationalizing it and only feeling fairly guilty because you're hurting only your spouse who presumably you have your own issues with (still wrong obviously). But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out?  How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt?  [/quote]

It's easy to sit back and judge if you haven't been in the other person's shoes.  Until you are in the situation, you have no idea what other people go through or what their spouse's are like.  What works for you and makes you happy may not work for someone else.  Frankly, your comments don't imply happiness.  They imply a rigidness and close mindedness that makes it impossible for you to be able to empathize with another human being.  Maybe that's why you are not an emotional affair material but it also means you probably have a hard time connecting with other people in general.

The man I had an emotional affair with was married with kids and that's why we both felt comfortable talking with each other from the beginning.  We did not set out expecting to have feelings for each other.  We just started communicating about parenting issues and giving each other advice on a regular basis.  Our children were something we had in common.  Gradually, we began giving advice to each other regarding our marriages.  He wanted a woman's perspective and I wanted a man's perspective on certain general issues.  The point the emotional affair began is a gray area.  However, when I realized and accepted the fact our conversations had grown too personal and we were beginning to have feelings for each other, I ended the relationship.

There is a huge difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair.  You can't control how you feel about other people and who you are attracted to but you can control your actions.  I don't think I "cheated" on my husband or my family because I ended the relationship when I realized the relationship had led to an emotional drain in my marriage (hence I realized I was having an emotional affair).  I also ended things before I got physical with the other man.       [/quote]

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