My 11 year old daughter just came out to me

[Anonymous]

Many girls have always had crushes on both girls and boys at that age, it's just that no one talked about it or labeled their experience. Assure her she is perfectly good the way she is, and that people grow and change over the course of their lives. Between now and around 20+ she will figure out who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many girls have always had crushes on both girls and boys at that age, it's just that no one talked about it or labeled their experience. Assure her she is perfectly good the way she is, and that people grow and change over the course of their lives. Between now and around 20+ she will figure out who she is.

+1. She is not "coming out," OP. Please don't use that term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guessing you live on a coast and have a loving home. This is normal for tween and teen girls now. It may last, it may not. It didn’t for my DD. She is an older teen now, only dates and talks about boys and never mentioned it again. So absolutely you said all the right things and it’s great to be supportive but unfortunately there is an epidemic of gay and trans “coming out” in girls of your daughters age.

+1 - except I am not convinced it's confined to the coasts. A friend of mine related a similar story from Texas.

Anyway, both my daughters -14 and 10 - are in the middle of this. My reaction is similar to yours. While I would not say this to them when they are sharing their personal feelings with me because I will accept them no matter what, I have injected into the larger discussion that I think this is a part of figuring out growing up and they don't have to commit (for lack a of a better word) to what they are feeling right now.

To be honest, I simply don't believe this huge portion of the youth population is gay, bi, pan, trans. I'm glad that kids can come out with acceptance that they might not have had a generation ago, but I think it's also a trend right now as much as anything else.

I don't know. I was one of those confused girls (not trying to be insulting, I WAS confused) but I never talked about it with anyone because I was scared to be different. My two best friends came out as bi, and with one exception only dated and married men. I don't think that means they were wrong, I think that means they leaned further in one direction and also found a larger dating pool there. In my 30s, I've also looked back and realized that a lot of my attraction as a young adult was to people who bucked the norms of their gender. I didn't really have a name for that, i don't know that all preferences have to be named as an orientation, and I didn't pursue any women because I was "straight."

Anyway, if you put it in other terms, i don't find it at all hard to believe that a huge portion of the population is not exactly straight.

[Anonymous]

I live in the Midwest and it’s common here too.

I think OP’s response was fine and supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many girls have always had crushes on both girls and boys at that age, it's just that no one talked about it or labeled their experience. Assure her she is perfectly good the way she is, and that people grow and change over the course of their lives. Between now and around 20+ she will figure out who she is.

+1. She is not "coming out," OP. Please don't use that term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that it is great that she feels like she can say this to you OP. But at age 11, I would gently explain to her that what she is likely feeling for these girls is admiration, rather than a "crush" in the way that she may think of boys. I would be concerned about an 11 year old who had a concept of sexual feelings either way.

I had crushes on boys at 9 or 10. What's wrong with thinking that someone could have similar same sex crushes at that age. It isn't about sex but it is about attraction.

OP - you did fine. My 11 year old came out last year as lesbian. At this point it's being there and saying you love them no matter what. I have had to have conversations about how the conservative side of the family may take it.

[Anonymous]

Very common in preteen to high school . Very accepted. Prayers. You handled it lovely

[Anonymous]

You may not have to do anything. Just continue to be accepting. She may also turn out to be straight (or gay)- at some point she may realize that her love feelings for one gender are not accompanied by sexual attraction.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar conversation with mine at that age.
I am somewhat surprised that all these girls who live in tolerant homes are so anxious about making this statement. We actively support gay marriage, have repeatedly expressed our support of gay friends/neighbors/colleagues to your kids—it frankly shocked me that she would be nervous about telling us. I wonder if it tracks the YA literature and movies, in which intolerant parents and gay/bi kids are something of a theme.

I did tell her I thought she was too young to be sexually a Tice with anyone, boy or girl, and she was grossed out by my even saying that. So unclear what it means to be bisexual when the concept of sex still grossed you out, but whatever, she’ll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters who both did this...the biggest thing is just say whatever is fine. And let them talk about it. My older one initially said she was bi but now thinks she is gay. Younger says bi. We will see! It's very common now. I have told mine as well that it might change, it might not. Either is fine. But I do tell them that when I was growing up, I would idolize certain girls - put that in the mix of teen hormones - and who knows. And finally, no rush - take their time - enjoy life and see what happens. It's all good. My older was slightly more upset so I was trying to comfort her. It seemed to work.

[Anonymous]

I’m a school counselor who has talked to dozens of students, male and female, about this over the years. It really makes no difference how they self identify at this juncture, what matters is that you tell them you love them and appreciate them sharing their feelings with you and that it’s also ok to try on different identities until they find the one that feels right, as sexuality can change over the course of a lifetime. Oddly enough, some kids are upset when their parents are too lackadaisical, as it feels momentous to them. It’s a tough line to walk, trying to convey unconditional love, respecting them as knowing who they are, while also explaining that sometimes it’s an evolving thing, and treating it with some gravity while not overreacting. Anecdotally, I will say that many middle schoolers wonder about their sexuality, and while quite a few end up being straight, some are not, and so it never hurts to err on the side of assuming they are lgbtq and being clear that it doesn’t matter to you who they love. And OP, you did great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a school counselor who has talked to dozens of students, male and female, about this over the years. It really makes no difference how they self identify at this juncture, what matters is that you tell them you love them and appreciate them sharing their feelings with you and that it’s also ok to try on different identities until they find the one that feels right, as sexuality can change over the course of a lifetime. Oddly enough, some kids are upset when their parents are too lackadaisical, as it feels momentous to them. It’s a tough line to walk, trying to convey unconditional love, respecting them as knowing who they are, while also explaining that sometimes it’s an evolving thing, and treating it with some gravity while not overreacting. Anecdotally, I will say that many middle schoolers wonder about their sexuality, and while quite a few end up being straight, some are not, and so it never hurts to err on the side of assuming they are lgbtq and being clear that it doesn’t matter to you who they love. And OP, you did great.

Thank you. This was super helpful. I really appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

She can like and admire a girl or girls and not be bisexual. Does she go to a progressive private schools in Wash DC? Does she take things literally?

She’s pretty young to be romantically pining and boy or girl crazy.

What’s her friend group doing? The same? Maybe the school pushes this mantra, adolescent self-diagnoses, and affirmative therapy (ie agree with whatever child thinks).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guessing you live on a coast and have a loving home. This is normal for tween and teen girls now. It may last, it may not. It didn’t for my DD. She is an older teen now, only dates and talks about boys and never mentioned it again. So absolutely you said all the right things and it’s great to be supportive but unfortunately there is an epidemic of gay and trans “coming out” in girls of your daughters age.

You are correct (coast/loving home). Interesting to hear regarding so many kids coming out.

Correction: so many adolescent GIRLS doing this.

Lots of influencers online, make sure there is not an different issue or underlying issue (depression) at play. Changing ones sexual orientation or gender is not the magic answer for most problems.

[Anonymous]

It is trendy to be bisexual or admitting having mental illness among teenagers.