My 11 year old daughter just came out to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is trendy to be bisexual or admitting having mental illness among teenagers.

Yes, this is definitely a trend with the girls in upper elementary school in McLean.
Everyone is refer as "they" instead of she. Most parent are probably not aware of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is trendy to be bisexual or admitting having mental illness among teenagers.

+1 Depression/anxiety combined with questioning sexuality (as is very common at this age) seems to have now morphed into many many teen/tween girls identifying as "Trans." Girls are self diagnosing with the internet and then finding their way to influencers and message boards that make them feel safe and part of a community or movement. That sense of community/being part of a movement is extremely appealing to young, suggestible girls and while I'm supportive of children who are truly experiencing gender dysmorphia, there are far more girls who have simply adopted this identity because it's the thing to do. Maybe they don't identify with "girly girls" or hyper sexual teens on social media and think that must be because they are experiencing gender dysphoria. Maybe they are truly gay/bisexual, but that's so 1990s so trans it is.

[Anonymous]

“ To be honest, I simply don't believe this huge portion of the youth population is gay, bi, pan, trans. I'm glad that kids can come out with acceptance that they might not have had a generation ago, but I think it's also a trend right now as much as anything else.”

+1
Also this idea that you you don’t like girlie things then you may not identity as a girl is an exaggeration too.

That said I agree OP responded well - for the tiny % of kids that are trans they need love/acceptance, as do the larger yet still minority share of kids that are bisexual or gay/lesbian. But if your kid is not old enough to have sexual attraction then I fail to see how they know if they are bi/gay/etc yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ To be honest, I simply don't believe this huge portion of the youth population is gay, bi, pan, trans. I'm glad that kids can come out with acceptance that they might not have had a generation ago, but I think it's also a trend right now as much as anything else.”

+1
Also this idea that you you don’t like girlie things then you may not identity as a girl is an exaggeration too.

That said I agree OP responded well - for the tiny % of kids that are trans they need love/acceptance, as do the larger yet still minority share of kids that are bisexual or gay/lesbian. But if your kid is not old enough to have sexual attraction then I fail to see how they know if they are bi/gay/etc yet.

11 isn't too young to have sexual attraction. I knew I was straight at that age for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guessing you live on a coast and have a loving home. This is normal for tween and teen girls now. It may last, it may not. It didn’t for my DD. She is an older teen now, only dates and talks about boys and never mentioned it again. So absolutely you said all the right things and it’s great to be supportive but unfortunately there is an epidemic of gay and trans “coming out” in girls of your daughters age.

You are correct (coast/loving home). Interesting to hear regarding so many kids coming out.

Op I’m a new poster. My DS is approaching 10 and said same. I’m a very liberal person but was very confused as to why this came up at 9. Then I noticed every show he watches has a gay, bi, or non-binary character. While supportive there wasn’t much to discuss. He’s 9 and the earliest he might be allowed to date is 16. I’ll check back in with him when he’s older. If he doesn’t bring it up before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ To be honest, I simply don't believe this huge portion of the youth population is gay, bi, pan, trans. I'm glad that kids can come out with acceptance that they might not have had a generation ago, but I think it's also a trend right now as much as anything else.”

+1
Also this idea that you you don’t like girlie things then you may not identity as a girl is an exaggeration too.

That said I agree OP responded well - for the tiny % of kids that are trans they need love/acceptance, as do the larger yet still minority share of kids that are bisexual or gay/lesbian. But if your kid is not old enough to have sexual attraction then I fail to see how they know if they are bi/gay/etc yet.

11 isn't too young to have sexual attraction. I knew I was straight at that age for sure.

And you never had a crush on the same sex ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a school counselor who has talked to dozens of students, male and female, about this over the years. It really makes no difference how they self identify at this juncture, what matters is that you tell them you love them and appreciate them sharing their feelings with you and that it’s also ok to try on different identities until they find the one that feels right, as sexuality can change over the course of a lifetime. Oddly enough, some kids are upset when their parents are too lackadaisical, as it feels momentous to them. It’s a tough line to walk, trying to convey unconditional love, respecting them as knowing who they are, while also explaining that sometimes it’s an evolving thing, and treating it with some gravity while not overreacting. Anecdotally, I will say that many middle schoolers wonder about their sexuality, and while quite a few end up being straight, some are not, and so it never hurts to err on the side of assuming they are lgbtq and being clear that it doesn’t matter to you who they love. And OP, you did great.

Your point here is spot on and quite interesting that you mentioned "evolving" because I think it is important that this would be the case for some kids. Whe I was in a retreat in high school looong time ago, The counselor mentioned that some may be confused about their sexuality and that is fine and normal. I wasn't quite sure what she meant at that time, but looking back, I actually had confusing thoughts if I had a crush on my bestfriend who is the same gender as me, eventually I realized that I admired her and loved her as a friend and not in a romantic way. I also have a friend in elementary who I thought was gay, the in high school, she at times acted straight, asked her a few times about it but I think maybe she doesn't exactly know either, not sure if she end up being gay, since we lost touch, but I would not be suprised if she did. I thought she showed early signs even when we were young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post, but tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed she told me she thinks she bisexual. I sat down with her and said that I loved her, but what makes her think she's bisexual (do 11 year olds already think about sex? I don't remember). She told me that she has crushes on boys and girls. Then she asked me if I would still accept her (I almost cried) and told her I loved her no matter what.

Now, what do I do from here? Any experience or guidance appreciated.

Everyone has crushes on both - best friends, actresses, role models, athletes. Don't conflate that with being sexually aroused as an 11 yo. Where's she getting this from? Or these words?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post, but tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed she told me she thinks she bisexual. I sat down with her and said that I loved her, but what makes her think she's bisexual (do 11 year olds already think about sex? I don't remember). She told me that she has crushes on boys and girls. Then she asked me if I would still accept her (I almost cried) and told her I loved her no matter what.

Now, what do I do from here? Any experience or guidance appreciated.

Everyone has crushes on both - best friends, actresses, role models, athletes. Don't conflate that with being sexually aroused as an 11 yo. Where's she getting this from? Or these words?

No, PP, No they don't. I remember having crushes on boys as a kindergartener. I don't remember any crushes on girls or female celebrities. None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post, but tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed she told me she thinks she bisexual. I sat down with her and said that I loved her, but what makes her think she's bisexual (do 11 year olds already think about sex? I don't remember). She told me that she has crushes on boys and girls. Then she asked me if I would still accept her (I almost cried) and told her I loved her no matter what.

Now, what do I do from here? Any experience or guidance appreciated.

Everyone has crushes on both - best friends, actresses, role models, athletes. Don't conflate that with being sexually aroused as an 11 yo. Where's she getting this from? Or these words?

um, no. I never had a crush on a female. also, while crush doesn't imply sexual arousal it's not the same as "being curious about" or "admiring" either. there is a distinct romantic element to it without it being sexual.

[Anonymous]

My 15 yr old DS just said the same thing. I was surprised and wasn't sure what to say.

[Anonymous]

Actual lesbian here. Kids as young as 11 (or younger!) can know that they’re bi or gay. Crushes at that age aren’t sexual, but they’re not the same as admiring someone either. Your daughter may well keep on identifying as bi or gay as she gets older. Sure, she may not, but it really invalidates her experience for so many people here to suggest she doesn’t know herself. I think you gave her a great response. Going forward, some ideas for supporting her:
- Get involved with PFLAG
- See if your area has support groups for LGBTQ youth, or if her school has a GSA
- Talk to her about your support for LGBTQ rights (maybe when related issues come up in the news)
- Help her find media (TV shows, movies, books, etc) with positive representations of LGBTQ identity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actual lesbian here. Kids as young as 11 (or younger!) can know that they’re bi or gay. Crushes at that age aren’t sexual, but they’re not the same as admiring someone either. Your daughter may well keep on identifying as bi or gay as she gets older. Sure, she may not, but it really invalidates her experience for so many people here to suggest she doesn’t know herself. I think you gave her a great response. Going forward, some ideas for supporting her:
- Get involved with PFLAG
- See if your area has support groups for LGBTQ youth, or if her school has a GSA
- Talk to her about your support for LGBTQ rights (maybe when related issues come up in the news)
- Help her find media (TV shows, movies, books, etc) with positive representations of LGBTQ identity

She's 11! She's a little kid! Please don't do any of this and start labeling her as anything. Please let her be a little kid and talk to you about whatever crosses her mind without immediately making it a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actual lesbian here. Kids as young as 11 (or younger!) can know that they’re bi or gay. Crushes at that age aren’t sexual, but they’re not the same as admiring someone either. Your daughter may well keep on identifying as bi or gay as she gets older. Sure, she may not, but it really invalidates her experience for so many people here to suggest she doesn’t know herself. I think you gave her a great response. Going forward, some ideas for supporting her:
- Get involved with PFLAG
- See if your area has support groups for LGBTQ youth, or if her school has a GSA
- Talk to her about your support for LGBTQ rights (maybe when related issues come up in the news)
- Help her find media (TV shows, movies, books, etc) with positive representations of LGBTQ identity

She's 11! She's a little kid! Please don't do any of this and start labeling her as anything. Please let her be a little kid and talk to you about whatever crosses her mind without immediately making it a big deal.

+1. I'm sure PP means well but this is complete overkill and will only inflate something that may very well pass on its own.

[Anonymous]

This could very well be an anxiety reaction. She learnt what bisexual meant (and somehow felt that being one could mean that she won't be accepted, so probably learnt it as something negative), and started worrying that she might be one too because she's felt "crushes" on girls before.

Just assure her that whether she ends up liking boys, girls, both, it's all normal and fine.