My 11 year old daughter just came out to me
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post, but tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed she told me she thinks she bisexual. I sat down with her and said that I loved her, but what makes her think she's bisexual (do 11 year olds already think about sex? I don't remember). She told me that she has crushes on boys and girls. Then she asked me if I would still accept her (I almost cried) and told her I loved her no matter what.
Now, what do I do from here? Any experience or guidance appreciated. |
Anonymous
| How wonderful that she trusts you! Why do you feel like you need to do anything? |
Anonymous
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Your response was not great. A child understanding their sexuality does not have to do with sex. I knew when I was a kid i was interested in boys.
She does not have to think about sex or being sexually active to know that she has feelings for boys and girls. |
Anonymous
| True, I just want to be sure that I do the correct thing in supporting her. Almost every one of my gay friends tells me about the horror that was coming out to the parents (granted, the 80s were a different time). I want to be sure that I provide her with the support she needs to find herself |
Anonymous
What would you have said in the same situation? I know my child will most likely want to discuss it again, so any tips you have would be appreciated. Also, she understands the difference between sexuality and sex, but I want to be clear on my supportive language of her choices. |
Anonymous
| Guessing you live on a coast and have a loving home. This is normal for tween and teen girls now. It may last, it may not. It didn’t for my DD. She is an older teen now, only dates and talks about boys and never mentioned it again. So absolutely you said all the right things and it’s great to be supportive but unfortunately there is an epidemic of gay and trans “coming out” in girls of your daughters age. |
Anonymous
You are correct (coast/loving home). Interesting to hear regarding so many kids coming out. |
Anonymous
| I would tell her that her crushes have nothing to do with her sexual orientation, which she will have much later. She doesn't know what she is saying, but yes it is important to assure her you will accept her the way she is. Also this is not "coming out", it's kids overthinking big words they hear around them. |
Anonymous
| You don't have to do anything. You said exactly the right thing. If she comes up and says she likes a girl, you can ask "What qualities in her personality are you attracted to?" |
Anonymous
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It’s lovely that she knows though accept her no matter what. My daughters went through a similar phase at the same age. One came out as lesbian and the other as bi. I told them I loved them and accepted them. They now date boys and looked at me askance when I expressed surprise when they both started crushing on boys. They’re almost 17 now and have dated boys/men solidly since 13.
When I was their age I also experimented with girl friends never once thinking I was a lesbian. It wasn’t talked about much then so it wasn’t really in my frame of reference- did not grow up in the US. I started dating boys when I was allowed to date and never gave that part of my life a second thought. I’ve never thought of myself as a lesbian or bi. My point being I think she’s a little young for anything to be cast in stone right now. It’s normal to crush on both boys and girls at that age. It will all iron itself out eventually. Just love who they are today and everyday. |
Anonymous
Yes 💗 |
Anonymous
I think OP's response was spot on and you were unnecessarily cruel to OP in your response. Do you also enjoy torturing kittens and puppies. |
Anonymous
I’m so tired of people saying this. It really trivializes the thoughts and emotions of preteen and teenage girls, as if they aren’t capable of understanding their own thoughts and making their own decisions. Could it be some kind of fad/phase? Maybe. But that’s not a reason to dismiss or diminish what your daughter says to you. All you have to do is be accepting and supportive! It’s not hard! |
Anonymous
| Agree that it is great that she feels like she can say this to you OP. But at age 11, I would gently explain to her that what she is likely feeling for these girls is admiration, rather than a "crush" in the way that she may think of boys. I would be concerned about an 11 year old who had a concept of sexual feelings either way. |
Anonymous
+1 - except I am not convinced it's confined to the coasts. A friend of mine related a similar story from Texas. Anyway, both my daughters -14 and 10 - are in the middle of this. My reaction is similar to yours. While I would not say this to them when they are sharing their personal feelings with me because I will accept them no matter what, I have injected into the larger discussion that I think this is a part of figuring out growing up and they don't have to commit (for lack a of a better word) to what they are feeling right now. To be honest, I simply don't believe this huge portion of the youth population is gay, bi, pan, trans. I'm glad that kids can come out with acceptance that they might not have had a generation ago, but I think it's also a trend right now as much as anything else. |